Joblessness of Tim Tebows at 100%

Such supple skin.

Almost every demographic is still feeling the effects of the United States’ spiraling economy.  It has more or less subsided for the time, but one demographic is being hit with unemployment more than any other: the Tim Tebows of the world.

In a recent study done by the Federal Bureau of Statistics, it estimated that 1 out of every 1 Tim Tebow in the United States remains unemployed despite the upward turn of the United States economy.  “That is a deplorable statistic,” stated Florida Gators alumni, Marco Rubio.  “In a nation that prides itself on adversity and best man for the job, someone as amazing and beautiful and smooth as the Tim Tebows of this world should be able to find work.  Obama strikes again.”  Many conservatives have denounced President Obama in his handling of the unemployment situation amongst Tim Tebows.  “He has yet to show any semblance of a plan on how to get Tim Tebows employed again,” said long time politician and white haired fogey John McCain.  “Until we see a plan that we can publicly denounce, we will continue to fight for what is right for this nation and the Tim Tebows of the world.”


Sports News Outlets Would Like to Apologize for Forgetting to Talk About Tim Tebow Today

Don’t worry ’bout it. Just running in the rain with mah shirt off.

All sports news outlets came together today to apologize for not covering Tim Tebow for the first time since 2006 at the Florida Gators’ game against Southern Miss.

Tim Tebow, a stagnant star in the National Football League, has been covered in the news tirelessly since his debut with the Florida Gators in 2006.  Since his draft to the NFL the coverage has become almost Bieber-like.  But yesterday something incredible happened.  Relevant sports betting information was on the air.  Interesting discussions about the validity of sports in a modern society were had.  Even the rehabilitation of recently imprisoned football stars made the television screen.  But no talk of Tebow.

But where was Tim Tebow if not on the news always and forever?  While the reporters were too busy playing with themselves, apparently Tim Tebow was at church.  His alibi is from Father McCayhee who saw him praying for many hours.  “We also talked for some time about a certain game he played in college where I spilled my drink all over the guy next to me,” said the Father.  “I suppose all-in-all he was probably here for all twenty four hours that day.  Kid needs a hobby.”  A massive investigation into the sports journalist industry to see how and why something like this could occur in a world where people care so much about a second string quarterback who kneels at the end of games.

The FBI placed a statement that they believe “this goes all of the way up to the top of the food chain.  People are going down.  To China Town.  Made that up myself.  Sorry my hands were wet earlier, I had just washed my hands.  It wasn’t pee or anything.  Hahaha could you imagine!”

Athletes Trade Food Stamps Just to Afford Gatorade’s G Series

Look at all that shit

Should athletes receive monetary compensation for their time in collegiate sports?

That is the question that everyone who has enough time to ask these questions is asking. Sure many are receiving a free education, but they have very little time to earn money outside of school preparing them for a life without sports. Most will not be professional athletes earning millions of dollars.  But they will be adults who have countless hours at a craft they no longer practice and most likely no money saved up.  But the situation is worse than we thought.

Recently, it was revealed that hundreds of collegiate athletes have been receiving food stamps to simply make ends meet and get all of the Gatorade G series to drink, eat, chew, ingest every day before their practices.  Because if athletes cannot get their Prime 01, they won’t be able to receive enough pregame fuel.  If athletes cannot drink their Perform 02, there is no hope for quenching their thirst during the game.  And if they cannot ingest the Recover 03, they will certainly feel a sports hangover worse than anything ever felt before.

But all three of those products, every single day of practice (typically five to six times a week for most athletes) can burn a major hole in the pocket.  “The only way they can be afforded is to get yourself some food stamps and trade them for the G Series,” stated QB of the Carolina Panthers, Cam Newton.  “Now that I’m playing professional ball they gimme that shit for free.  FOR FREE!  Back in college I had to use food stamps.  Just the way it is.”

Even Tim Tebow admitted to having traded a few food stamps for the G Series.  “It is literally the only reason I can throw a ball as well as I do,” stated Tim Tebow.  “Without G Series, I could barely pick up an apple.  Now I can lob a football over twenty yards!”  The league is still attempting to figure out what the hell that whole Penn State situation was before they even look at the college player’s contracts with the school.  For now, these fresh young kids will need to score their G Series smack where ever and however they can.

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