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Adding ‘Boobs, Tits, Sex, Penetration, Anal, Orgasm, Slut, Kittens, Miley Cyrus’ Only Way Local Blogger Can Get Any Views


Local blogger, Reid Thomas Haines, has found the only way he can get any hits on his blog is to add the most commonly searched for tags of “boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus.”

Reid Thomas Haines has been blogging for several years, spending hours each week on top of his full-time job delicately crafting a beautiful webpage that also has intelligent, thought provoking material about current events in politics, pop culture, and life in general.  “One of my most viewed posts was a discussion about whether or not countries are outdated and if the world should have one global government,” stated Reid.  “It received twelve hits.  It was awesome.”  But lately, Reid has been taking a different approach to finding an audience.  A more visceral one.

Reid has begun only discussing stories where he can say the words ‘boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus’ as many times as possible.  “When I started this tactic, all of the sudden I received fourteen thousand hits.  It was just ok.”  Reid has one of the top viewed blogs in the nation as of today only behind a gossiper drawing dicks on celebrities and a twelve year old girl taking pictures of her turtle in funny situations.  Reid is finally on his way to the top and we will be tracking  his progress closely.  Or more likely we will completely lose track of him until he loses popularity and hits rock bottom.

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Mitt Romney Lets Slip He Would Totally “Bang America”


Mitt Romney let it slip during yesterday’s debate during a pissing contest with the President of the United States of America that he would totally “bang America.”

There were many debacles during tonight’s debate.  But there was one particular exchange between President Barack Obama and presidential hopeful Mitt Romney that is gaining attention.  An exchanged that resulted in Mitt Romney exclaiming to the crowd that he would totally “bang America.”  This is the conversation:

Romney

Now you see, our “President” here has not brought our economy up to the level he
said he would have it, and is not up to the level Americans deserve.  I know how to
run businesses and how to get this economy going again.  That is why I love this great
nation.  I love it more than life itself.  Unlike the current “President.”

Obama

Now what Governor Romney is proposing is that I don’t love America.  That is just false.
I love America.  I love it a lot.  It gets almost a little much sometimes.  Not like CREEPY
love, but like very attentive husband love.  Like what The View would consider a
good husband.  Something that seems unrealistic to most people, but I get it done.
My opponent is a little weird about thingswith America.  Like waiting outside the window
high school boyfriend type of weird.

Romney

Now what President-Shmesident Obama believes is absolutely false.  I am not weird
about things.  I just love America so much.  Often times my wife catches me crying
while thinking about America.  Now when you hear cry you probably think of a
normal cry.  No, this is a sob.  Tears streaming sob.

Obama

Now see, that is uhhhhh really weird.  When I cry about how much I love the United States,
it’s while I lift weights.  Or eat raw steak.  Or when Michelle is taking me to Pleasuretown USA.
You know, manly times to cry.  I highly doubt Governor Romney loves the United States
that much.  I dare you to prove otherwise.

Romney

How dare you sir!  To state that I do not care about the United States is to say
that I do not care about great things, like shootings, Lindsay Lohan, and The Beatles…

Obama

Beatles are British!  Check the transcript.

Romney

Well the point is moot.  In fact, dare I say, if the United States were a woman, I would totally
bang America.  I would bang America real good.  I would last at least thirty five whole
minutes.  I would be great.  She would be better.

Now to be fair, Governor Romney followed up with the press after the debate to clarify that he would “bang America,” but only if he had never married Ann and were married to America.  Those are the two stipulations.  Other than that he would “go crazy up in the Southern areas of the United States.”

Nations Elderly Caught Masturbating During ‘Hope Springs’ Showing


This week, the nation’s FBI reported that thousands of elderly Americans have been cited or arrested for indecent exposure during showings of the new Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep flick.

The romantic comedy, or RomCom, came out recently with a decent showing at the box office, highlights an older couple looking to rekindle that flame, sexually and emotionally, they had during the first part of their marriage.  In doing so, their relationship has it’s ups and downs, many of which include reengaging sexually with each other.  This is reportedly a problem that afflicts almost every single elderly couple.  Their junk has stopped working, and to rekindle the flame they either need medication or an emotional overhaul.

“Many Americans have been foregoing medical treatment for their lack of sex drive and simply attending a screening of ‘Hope Springs,’ stated FBI Special Agent Kellen McSneller.  “We were hearing complaints about elderly couples being removed from the theatre for either masturbating or committing lude acts upon one another.  So we decided to put an FBI agent in every showing of the film.”  Since then over three thousand couples, six thousand people, have been arrested for committing lude and lascivious act in a public setting.

“So we have heard recently, going to jail is also helping these old fucks get their flame back.  We have to hose down the cells when they’re gone.  It’s a nightmare.”

Top 5 Politician Sex Positions


We know many of you out there are curious as to how you can dull down your sex life.  So Rawful News decided it would be very pertinent to publish a story about the Top 5 Politician Sex Positions.

1. Bend Over – This is the almighty favorite of politicians to happen in the bed.  When things are about to reach the climax, instead of finishing, you will want to withdraw from the situation and bend over so you can take it.  This will dull down your sex life by never ending the reason why you started in the first place.

2. Missionary – Many would think this is more popular amongst Republicans as they are typically seen as more straight lace than Democrats.  But this is false.  Both parties are known to stick to the missionary position the entire length of sex.  Any position change would make them seem weak.  It is also the least complicated position to take so maneuverability is key.

3. Momentary Cowgirl – This is for all of the ladies out there.  This is where you have a girl begin the cowgirl position where she is on top of the man, but then immediately removed from the dominant position by the man

4. Joe the Plumber – It’s gross.  You don’t want to try it.

5. The Back Door Deal – This is where you bargain with your spouse for sex in return for some kind of goods or services.  It may be doing the dishes for a month, back rubs, or going to war with Iraq.  Either way it is shady and in the end no one is really happy.  But at least it happened.

*None of these deal with homosexual relations because as of right now, no politician will talk about homosexual relations, let alone take part in it.  Unless it’s a secret.

John Boehner a Premature Ejaculator? Yep.


"Sigh" of Relief

Pretty recently, John Boehner turned heads when he made the “sigh heard round the world.”  This, pictured to the right, ‘came’ after the debt ceiling debates when he walked into an elevator and sighed the night away.  Most thought it was a fake attempt to show incredible release of stress after an incredibly stressful experience.  What people did not know, was that it was not because of the debt ceiling debates.  It was for a promise of sex from his wife Deborah.

Yes you heard it here folks.  The only reason our debt ceiling debates were solved was because of a promise of sex for our ‘beloved’ Speaker of the House John Boehner.  Americans suspected Boehner’s premature-ness for some time now.  The first was in 2006, when an interviewer asked Boehner if he believed Barack Obama’s run for the presidency was a bit ‘premature.’  Boehner replied with “You think THAT’S premature… I mean yes it definitely is.”   That comment raised eyebrows but was soon forgotten because of the crazy political climate at the time.

Then there were a few times during congressional sessions when Boehner would stand up and call to order all of Congress, and there were noticeable white stains on the front of his pants.  They rarely serve clam chowder in the Congressional dining hall, way less than the amount of times he said it was clam chowder anyhow.

But it became more than just gossip when Boehner’s wife Deborah said to the media that she was “sick and tired of his damn debt ceiling debate.  It needs to end immediately.”  She also stated that “[she] will jump his bones so hard, they’ll be ground to dust.  But only if these debates end.”  Within three days, a deal was reached.  Which leads us to the picture at hand.

On his way out of finalizing the debt ceiling plan, he told reporters his first course of action was to “slay” his wife.  But apparently the thought of doing so was too much to bear.  He could barely make it to the elevator before he let out a premature “sigh” of relief.  That relief created the most awkward elevator ride in the history of Congress.  And instead of going home, Boehner stayed in his office and cried himself to sleep.  That last part is not really a rare occurrence but it’s more frequently because someone talked about “the kids.”  Nothing specific, just a broad generalization of “the kids.”

 

Happy 64th Birthday Hillary Clinton!


She did not have sex.

No wonder she looks like this.

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