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Americans Still Giving So Many Fucks About the Obama Administration’s Recent Scandals


The Obama Administration has had more than its fair share of scandals in recent months.  A recent poll is showing that the American public gives so many fucks about the scandals that it’s insane.

The NSA wiretapping scandal, the release of records stating over 3,000 people were killed by drone strikes last year, the IRS targeting of Obama’s denouncers, the ATF “Fast and Furious” scheme, amongst numerous other stories, have only increased the amount of fucks Americans are giving about their President.  “Every time I hear of a new scandal, I give, like, double the fucks than normal,” stated Preschool Teacher, Aaron Klatt.  “Sometimes it feels like I can’t give any more fucks, but somehow I always find more fucks to give.”

A recent poll done by somebody somewhere stated that people give, on average, twenty-seven thousand fucks per year, but that number is only rising.  “People don’t forget these scandals immediately, Mr. Hussein Obama!” stated French Press connoisseur Jacque Blackman.  “Every day I give fucks, and every day Obama learns that Americans won’t take this lightly, and won’t forget these things probably a day or two after it happens.  No sir.”

Still no word on how many shits were not given during Obama’s second term.

 

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Joblessness of Tim Tebows at 100%


Such supple skin.

Almost every demographic is still feeling the effects of the United States’ spiraling economy.  It has more or less subsided for the time, but one demographic is being hit with unemployment more than any other: the Tim Tebows of the world.

In a recent study done by the Federal Bureau of Statistics, it estimated that 1 out of every 1 Tim Tebow in the United States remains unemployed despite the upward turn of the United States economy.  “That is a deplorable statistic,” stated Florida Gators alumni, Marco Rubio.  “In a nation that prides itself on adversity and best man for the job, someone as amazing and beautiful and smooth as the Tim Tebows of this world should be able to find work.  Obama strikes again.”  Many conservatives have denounced President Obama in his handling of the unemployment situation amongst Tim Tebows.  “He has yet to show any semblance of a plan on how to get Tim Tebows employed again,” said long time politician and white haired fogey John McCain.  “Until we see a plan that we can publicly denounce, we will continue to fight for what is right for this nation and the Tim Tebows of the world.”

Lately the Guy in the Office Who Ate Your Lunch Today Not Seeming like Such a Bad Guy


We stole this before we left.

Today, Jackie Koppel was supremely upset about her lunch being eaten once again by Gary Hatfield, until she scrolled through all of the recent, tragic news stories.  Now he does not seem like such a bad guy.

Jackie Koppel, a 34-year old data analyst at a small start up in New Haven, Connecticut packs her lunch every day for work.  “The benefits outweight the downsides,” stated Jackie.  “It is usually healthier if you make it yourself, and cheaper.  I also don’t have to worry about where to order food from during lunch time.  I can concentrate on work until the time I eat.”  But Gary Hatfield, a smug little fucker, has stolen at least one lunch of Jackie’s every week for the past month and a half.  “It has been the most infuriating thing.  Like, make your own food.  Or get a 5 dollar sub.  You can afford 5 dollars you cheap dick,” exclaimed Jackie.  But recently her tune has begun to change.

Jackie is reportedly not an avid news follower but recently she accidentally stumbled upon this fresh news source called See En En.  She begun scrolling through all of the terrible events from the past few months: Boston Marathon Bombing, Newtown shooting, Ohio kidnappings, etc.  “Jackie’s demeanor definitely changed towards me stealing her food.  Allegedly stealing,” said Gary, the little fucker that he is.  “She would go on rampages yelling ‘Who stole my food?!?!’  But now she just orders some food and reads the news.  Win one for Gary!”  Jackie reportedly does not see the point in yelling anymore because there are apparently much worse things going on.  Jackie left us in saying “Gary’s still a huge asshole.”

D.C. Mayor Wants Redskins’ Name to be Changed To the Savages.


What is happening in this picture?

After numerous years of scrutiny, the mayor of Washington D.C. has decided to change the name of the Washington Redskins.  The name, if passed, will be the Washington Savages.

For years, the name Redskins has been shouted at countless sporting events.  Many Americans forget the racism that follows this word.  “A Redskin is not a name we choose to identify ourselves with,” said someone who could easily be mistaken for a Mexican, Chief Jonawopano.  “That is something our invaders used to identify us with.  It is like,” looks all around, “calling a black person the n-word.  You wouldn’t name a national sports team the ‘n-words’ would you?!”  Fair points.  To get the other side of the story, we talked to a local D.C. resident to find out his take on the story.

“I don’t think they should change their name,” stated 47 year old data analyst.  “Are you kidding me?!  Do I really need to tell you why?!  They’ve always been named the Redskins.  You just want to change history?  And we don’t think about Indians when we say Redskins anymore.  It’s like calling a gay person a ‘fag.’  It’s like, der, get over it.  Am I right?” he said as he dropped half a turkey club sandwich on the ground.  Not to worry though as he picked it up, brushed it off, and finished that bad boy.  There are numerous sides to the story.  But one thing is certain.  We could not find any more Native Americans to interview.

Local Man’s Most Recent DMV Experience Was Not So Bad


scoose me sur cahn ay help yu?

For years, Americans have complained about their DMV experiences.  But recently, a local man named Eric Ericson had an experience at the DMV that he claimed was “not so bad.”

The DMV is famous for bad experiences.  Local, state, and the federal government are aware of the problem.  Much like the employees of the DMV, they are indifferent.  Long waits, lost paperwork, unhelpful workers all lead to disastrous experiences.  But Eric Ericson had quite the opposite day.  His day was just ok.  “Yeah I mean like it wasn’t the GREATEST day I’ve ever had,” said Ericson.  “But it wasn’t really that bad.”

“Normally I hear about such awful experiences.  Everyone on Facebook just bitches and complains about their time there.  Nothing was as bad as they made it out to be.”  This was in fact Eric’s first time inside the DMV as he used to rely on his parents’ money and efforts, but now they are dead.  Eric only waited in line for seven minutes.  He then sat in his chair where he began to read from his kindle, as white people are known to do, but only finished three pages before his ticket had been called.  He turned in his vehicle registration form and in three minutes he had his tags ready.  Eric only spent twenty minutes inside of the DMV.

He soon took so social media, as so many do post-DMV.  His post on Facebook was “Just left DMV.  Why’s everyone so serious?”  A few got the Joker reference, but most thought it was too soon.  Shortly after, Eric stated, “I’d say that if I had to go back, I would.”

Senior Al Qaeda Leaders Now Down to Group of Bullies at Local Afghani School


Yolo. Specially for these guys.

A recently leaked CIA document stated that Al Qaeda is down to a “group of bullies at a local Afghani school.”

The war on terror has not been kind to those whom the American government deem to be terrorists.  One such organization is Al Qaeda.  This well known terrorist organization’s once full ranks have since been depleted by the United States military.  With the initial invasions into both Iraq and Afghanistan, along with continued fighting, drone kills (4,000 and counting), Al Qaeda is now officially down to a group of bullies at a local Afghani high school calling themselves Al Qaeda.

“We have a watchful eye on the group,” stated a CIA senior official named Al Harris who asked not to be named.  “We have drones circling the area.  All we need is for them to slip up by giving some kid a noogie, wedgie, or swirly and shit will storm down.  The skies will open up, and it will destroy them.”  Unnamed Al Harris senior CIA operative from Sacramento, Ca also stated off the record that the American public will not be made aware when the last Al Qaeda scum were wiped from this earth.  That it will just happen.

NCAA Claiming Outreach to Those Driven Crazy By March Madness More Important Than T-shirt Gun Control


This is an over the counter, same-day t-shirt gun.

The NCAA is making headlines today, not with actual playing of sports, but with their controversial stances on tshirt gun control.  An NCAA Spokesperson stated today that “Tshirt gun control is not a problem.  We need better outreach to those suffering from March Madness.  That is it.”

March has become a month driven by insanity.  The insanity causes people to bet money on teams they have never heard of before, drink copious amounts of alcohol, experience short, explosive bursts of depression, and of course the use of t-shirt guns.  Many of those afflicted take to firing of t-shirt guns as an outlet for their anger or unrecognized feelings.  Sometimes people just want to see something destroyed.  By the crowd ripping it into pieces while fighting over the free shirt.  Injuries have plagued the “mad” crowds because of these t-shirt guns.

“They don’t even do any research to find out who will be shooting into the crowd,” stated recently injured San Diego State sophomore Alexia Ramirez.  “This black eye will forever change my life.  The pictures are already on Facebook.”  In fact, the NCAA has not done a single background check on those doing the firing.  And that is because the NCAA maintains that it is more important for colleges to have better outreach to those afflicted by March Madness than it is to ban t-shirt guns.  “T-shirt guns are a way of life,” said an NCAA spokesperson.  “They are as American as sports themselves.  Getting rid of them, or making sure they are used safely is only saying that you hope every sport ends and obesity takes over.  Is that what you want?  AN INCREASINGLY SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE?!  I’m sorry I yelled.”

American universities and the NCAA has been at odds for years, neither one willing to negotiate with the other.  For now, t-shirt guns are here to stay.

Time Warner Cable Feeds All of Africa Just to Impress Hot Chick


I mean…right?

In a startling turn of events, it has come to light that Time Warner Cable, the media giant, has fed all of Africa with their profits, but only did so in order to impress a hot chick named Sara O’Connell.

Time Warner Cable, worth an estimated bajillion dollars, donated three gajillion dollars to help feed the entire continent of Africa (including Egypt).  The nutritional packs were scattered all over the immense landscape.  In a rather strange turn of events, Jeffrey L Bewkes, Chairman and CEO, revealed in an interview that the entire company simply donated just to impress Sara O’Connell, a girl who works down the street from Time Warner headquarters as a hostess.  “She’s so pretty,” stated Henry Foster, a social media analyst at Time Warner.  “I’d donate my wife and kids if I thought it’d impress her.”

Sara O’Connell has been working down the street as a hostess at the local pub for several months now.  Time Warner Cable has not seemed to strike up enough courage to speak to her though.  “No of course I haven’t spoken to her,” said the media conglomerate.  “I mean, like, why would she want to talk?  Stop already it’s embarrassing!”  Despite Sara being an up and coming actress, Time Warner Cable has not even used its leverage to find her an acting gig.  “That would be wrong, she’d probably just use the connection and then be gone.  Gotta play this cooler.  Seem more upstanding.”  Feeding all of Africa seemed like the logical choice, but everyone in the United States saw right through that.

Many have been very outspoken as opponents to this.  “I think the food she be taken back,” said a random passerby.  “I mean it’s such a selfish reason, it’s like the Africans aren’t eating anyways.  It’s ok to call them Africans right?”  That is simply the opinion of one racist person.  But another woman on the street said she was starting a petition to have all of the food returned.  “Give it back.  Otherwise Time Warner will have this whole feeling of superiority.  We can’t let them have that.  Let them sit on their money.”  Time Warner has made no comment on whether or not they will ask for the food back until they are mature enough to give the food for selfless reasons.  But mainly because the entire company is staring out the window at Sara O’Connell.  Her shift just started.

 

*On a side note, millions of Africans are still hungry and Sara is apparently seeing the douche bartender at her pub.

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