Advertisements

Joblessness of Tim Tebows at 100%


Such supple skin.

Almost every demographic is still feeling the effects of the United States’ spiraling economy.  It has more or less subsided for the time, but one demographic is being hit with unemployment more than any other: the Tim Tebows of the world.

In a recent study done by the Federal Bureau of Statistics, it estimated that 1 out of every 1 Tim Tebow in the United States remains unemployed despite the upward turn of the United States economy.  “That is a deplorable statistic,” stated Florida Gators alumni, Marco Rubio.  “In a nation that prides itself on adversity and best man for the job, someone as amazing and beautiful and smooth as the Tim Tebows of this world should be able to find work.  Obama strikes again.”  Many conservatives have denounced President Obama in his handling of the unemployment situation amongst Tim Tebows.  “He has yet to show any semblance of a plan on how to get Tim Tebows employed again,” said long time politician and white haired fogey John McCain.  “Until we see a plan that we can publicly denounce, we will continue to fight for what is right for this nation and the Tim Tebows of the world.”

Advertisements

POTUS Introduces Bill Allowing Hispanics Who are in Good Standing With the Law from Northern Mexico Between the Ages of 19 and 21 Who Have Excellent Credit and Are Currently On an Intramural Co-ed Sports Team in the Northwestern Parts of the United States Will be Free From Deportation.


Si se puede.

This week, President Obama introduced a bill that, if passed, would allow hispanics who are in good standing with the law from Northern Mexico between ages 19 and 21 who have an excellent credit score of 630 or higher and are currently on an intramural co-ed sports team in the Northwestern parts of the United States, not including Alaska, will be free from deportation.

This bill, if passed, will allow the much needed group of Hispanics from Northern Mexico between the ages of 19 and 21 who have an excellent credit score of 630 or higher and are currently on an intramural co-ed sports team in the Northwestern parts of the United States, not including Alaska, to become American citizens.  They would be free from the constant fear of deportation for any little mishap.  They would be able to work freely, learn freely, and most importantly, become an American citizen.

Some have called this a political move as they think this ground-breaking bill will be a definite boost in the demographic of Hispanics from Northern Mexico between the ages of 19 and 21 who have an excellent credit score of 630 or higher and are currently on an intramural co-ed sports team in the Northwestern parts of the United States, not including Alaska, which is a key demographic in the coming 2012 Presidential election.  President Obama is in for the fight of his life during the present campaign and he will need every key demographic imaginable.

*There is a key earmark in the bill allowing the White House Administration to kill any of these people with drones the second they break the law though.

Obama’s New Campaign Video Forgot to Mention that Nasty Shit He Took Last Week.


Dookie.

Republicans are denouncing President Obama’s new campaign video as not being entirely truthful because it did not include that nasty dump he took last week.

President Obama’s latest campaign video highlights the stressed situation the United States was in when he took office, his helping millions of Americans become insured, and the success of the auto-bailouts.  Many of these accomplishments seemed unattainable at the beginning of his presidency.  Most said these feats could not be achieved.  But the nearly impossible has become possible.  Republicans though have been criticizing President Obama’s campaign videos for not highlighting the things he has done wrong or poorly since swearing in to office.

“Mr. President, if that’s even his real name, has done everything in his power to destroy this country,” stated Speaker Boehner.  “He has made our society a socialist one, he continues to further the devil’s agenda with homosexual marriage, and he took a dump last week in the White House and I smelled it.  Smelled like shit.”  Apparently President Obama, sometime last week, excused himself from a meeting with the Speaker and multiple cabinet members.  He spent over half an hour outside of the meeting.  Speaker Boehner became worried.  He also became filled with urine.  So he went in search of the bathroom.  When he arrived President Obama walked out and gave an awkward, yet knowing, smile.

Inside of that bathroom, Speaker Boehner discovered a smell that this world has not experience yet.  A mix of poop, skunk, an old gym towel, and Gouda cheese wafted out of the bathroom.  And because of budget cuts to the White House repair staff, all of the other bathrooms remained broken.  Speaker Boehner had no choice but to endure the weapons of mass destruction known as President Obama’s colon.  “President Obama needs to own up to his mistakes.  Even if they are as little as the economy or as big as that shit he took,” said Speaker Boehner.

The campaign video has been taken down.  Whether it is because of these nay sayers or not is irrelevant.  He is obviously afraid of this shit getting out.

Catholic Church Decides to Stop Fighting Contraception Premium Battle Since They Haven’t Used the Stuff Ever.


The Catholic Church has been an ardent opponent of President Obama’s new federal regulation requiring contraception services in government-mandated health insurance plans citing freedom of religion as their main discrepancy.  But apparently the church has had a change of heart recently as they plan to back down.

The change of heart occurred when they realized that Catholics have never, and will never, use any form of contraception.  “Everyone practices safe and responsible sex only after they are married,” stated the Pope.  (check out the Pope’s visit to Cuba here: http://bit.ly/HotUm4) “We have nothing to worry about in regards to paying these premiums.  All Catholics are extremely responsible.  Add all of the contraception rules you want.  Catholics will be just fine Mr. Obama.”

So now that these laws are in place, apparently nothing will change from before.  There will be no more pregnancies or no less pregnancies than there were before this statute was enacted.  Similarly there will be no saved money or spent money by the Catholic church of members of said religion.  Life will be exactly the same as we knew it.

%d bloggers like this: