Advertisements

Americans Still Giving So Many Fucks About the Obama Administration’s Recent Scandals


The Obama Administration has had more than its fair share of scandals in recent months.  A recent poll is showing that the American public gives so many fucks about the scandals that it’s insane.

The NSA wiretapping scandal, the release of records stating over 3,000 people were killed by drone strikes last year, the IRS targeting of Obama’s denouncers, the ATF “Fast and Furious” scheme, amongst numerous other stories, have only increased the amount of fucks Americans are giving about their President.  “Every time I hear of a new scandal, I give, like, double the fucks than normal,” stated Preschool Teacher, Aaron Klatt.  “Sometimes it feels like I can’t give any more fucks, but somehow I always find more fucks to give.”

A recent poll done by somebody somewhere stated that people give, on average, twenty-seven thousand fucks per year, but that number is only rising.  “People don’t forget these scandals immediately, Mr. Hussein Obama!” stated French Press connoisseur Jacque Blackman.  “Every day I give fucks, and every day Obama learns that Americans won’t take this lightly, and won’t forget these things probably a day or two after it happens.  No sir.”

Still no word on how many shits were not given during Obama’s second term.

 

Advertisements

Man Blames Obama for Killing his Poop Sculptures Store


Here’s lookin’ at you kid.

Recently, a small business named “Scoop of Sculpt,” just shut its doors for good as it officially filed for bankruptcy. Its founder, Arthur Ahorta, complained to the local media that the cause of his ‘surprisingly profitable companies” bankruptcy being the Obama administration.

A year ago this coming Wednesday, Arthur cut the proverbial ribbon on his front doors and became what millions of Americans wish to be, a small business owner. It was a dream of being his own boss while still providing a valuable service to the public. This service involves sculpting pieces of feces into works of art.

“Initial business was great,” stated Arthur. “People came from all over to browse and buy my poop sculptures, the sculptures made of poop.” But soon after, business began to dwindle. Arthur blames this on the inevitable demise of all small businesses because of the Obama administration. He believes nobody shops at small businesses anymore because of that time “President” Obama (he put up the quotations, not us) stated that Americans should avoid small businesses at all costs. We are still searching for that quote.

“It’s obviously not my foolproof business plan, or the quality of which I sculpt the poop because that is impeccable.  It has to be Obama.”  Arthur has no plans to start another small business but says he has considered moving to Iran because he can experience more economic freedom there.

In the Event of a Tie, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama Will Play Game of ‘Gay Chicken’ To Determine Winner


Never has there been quite the distinct possibility of a tie during a presidential election as we see today.  The threat of a tie is real and scary knowing this process could go on for months.  That is exactly why lawyers have been scowering laws to figure out exactly how the tie breaker would be handled.  Today, the solution was found.  A game of “gay chicken” would decide the final outcome of our 2012 presidential election.

What is gay chicken you ask?  I’m glad you asked, otherwise this article would be pointless.  Gay chicken is where two (seemingly) straight men, face one another and slowly move in for the kiss.  Whoever quits first loses.  Romney’s lawyers have been arguing that the winner is the person who quits first because homosexuality is a sin, whether doing it ironically or not.  “Most men avoid gay in all situations,” stated longtime lawyer of the Romney family.  “So wouldn’t it make most sense that the person to pull away first wins.  They’re not gay.”

Litigation has been extremely tiresome and has included dozens of law firms working around the clock to make a decision on whether winning the game is winning, or being less gay is winning.  But even with a consensus amongst the legal community, if a tie were to occur, it would almost certainly go to the Supreme Court.

Ann Romney Won’t Stop Asking Michelle Obama if She Can Touch Her Hair


First Lady Michelle Obama complained to the media yesterday about the Romney family.  Though this complaint was not about politics, it was about Ann Romney always asking if she can touch Mrs. Obama’s hair.

It is a well-known fact that African-American hair has a much different texture than that of a Caucasian-American’s hair.  Many times, children who have not lived in a very diverse place ask to feel the hair of the first African-American they become close enough with.  Well, for Ann Romney, that time has come much later in life than most.  In fact, the first black people she has ever come in direct contact with has been the Obama’s.  “She knew about black people, that they existed,” stated long-time friend Terry Thatch.  “She saw the Jeffersons one time as a child and just thought it was her tv acting up.”  And apparently now that the Romney’s and Obama’s have spent enough time together, despite their sheer opposition towards one another, Ann Romney finally felt comfortable enough to pop the question.

“Can I touch it?” was Ann’s first question, to which Michelle asked “the fuck’d you just say to me?”  Ann Romney was startled, even thought she may be ‘shanked.’  But curiosity got the better of her.  “Your hair…May I touch it?  I hear it is different from my elegantly flowing locks.”  Sources close to the First Lady stated that Michelle walked away so as to not feel the need to ‘shank that hoe,’ (direct quote).  Many would assume that would be the end of the question.  But Ann Romney has asked every single meeting since.  “May I feel your hair NOW?” or “I just washed my hands, can I now?” or “Please just let me get in there real deep like.”  No word as to whether Michelle will break down and let her feel her hair.  Probs not.

Guantanamo Bay Being Used to Hold Internet Pirates


Today, the White House Administration told the public that Guantanamo Bay will remain open indefinitely in order to hold the thousands being arrested for piracy.

When President Barack Obama was running for the 2008 Presidency, one of his many promises he made to the American public was to shut down Guantanamo Bay, aka “Gitmo.”  That promise has not been fulfilled yet.  To this day it has remained open and full of prisoners.  Though the type of prisoners will begin to change from hardened enemy combatants and terrorists to something a lot more dangerous.  Internet pirates.

With the invention of the internet has come numerous breakthroughs in technology, innovation, and simply the way we live our lives.  But it has also brought about a new form of black market.  This black market has caused both the music and movie industries millions, if not billions of dollars in revenue.  The penalties for those who are caught pirating have become increasingly harsher mainly because they threaten our very way of life, even more than terrorists do.  In order to appease those who have been calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay, President Obama has decided to release all of the terrorists into the wild, and fill the jail cells with those accused of internet piracy.  In here they will spend the duration of the time they have not been convicted for, but it is to make sure they are kept away from every computer or smart phone available.  Maybe do a push up or two.  Lord knows the nerds could use it.

It is about time President Barack Obama used his powers for good instead of socialism.

Obama Tackled By Secret Service After Putting on Hoodie.


Shady looking mofucka.

In honor of Trayvon Martin, many people across the nation have been showing their support of the Martin family. Most recently, President Obama, in another show of support for the Martin family was caught wearing a hoodie.

But the hoodie was not on for long as  the second President Obama stepped out of his bedroom, he was immediately tackled by the Secret Service.  At the time they had immediately deemed the man “unfit to be in the White House and had probably taken out the President.”  Fortunately for them President Obama had not been taken out.  That was the Secret Service’s doing.

Obama reportedly yelled “Ow what the fuck guys?!”  Then began resisting arrest so the Secret Service punched him in the kidneys a few times to show him who’s boss.  They forgot that the President is the boss.  “He looked very shady,” stated Chief Security Officer Charles Brant.  “The hoodie made his face even darker than it normally is.  And you know, when you see a black guy wearing a hoodie you probably lock your car doors.  Even if you’re in a white part of town.  I mentioned this is off the record right?”  No you did not Officer Brant.  No you did not.

President Obama only suffered a few minor cuts and bruises and small trace amounts of blood in his urine.  He will soon recover and will most likely retire the hoodie permanently.  Or at least until there are no paranoid whites around.

U.S. Government Sends a ‘Condolences’ Card to Afghani Families.


Told ya it was lovely.

This past week, a rogue American soldier killed 17 Afghani civilians and wounded many others.

There is no section of the Constitution that dictates how to properly handle this situation.  Forty years ago, without the internet, this could have easily been overlooked as just another act of war.  But nowadays people actually feel bad when word of this situation gets around.  So the government needed to step in and alleviate the situation.

That is where the Condolences card came into play.  President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Bro Biden reportedly went to their local Walgreens, where they spent approximately fourteen minutes chasing after the perfect card that would really embody how The White House Staff and the American people as a whole truly felt.

You can see the card the trio landed at the end of their search at the top of the article.  It is very pretty and will undoubtedly create a sense of gratitude amongst the Afghani victims for the American government keeping them in their thoughts and prayers.  That will definitely make everything feel all better.

Here is a list of what the three said on the inside of the card:

Hillary Clinton: I have literally been crying nonstop.  I can’t stop thinking about how I could’ve stopped this.  Or just how this will affect me in the future.  It’s important to think about yourself in times like this. -Hillary Clinton

Bro Biden: Have I ever told you folks about the time when I came across a dying squirrel in the streets?  Next time you’re around remind me to tell you about it. – Bro.

Barack Obama: My bad. – The Big O

Rawful News Cover – Janet Napolitano


Sorry we covered part of her pretty face up.

%d bloggers like this: