Lately the Guy in the Office Who Ate Your Lunch Today Not Seeming like Such a Bad Guy

We stole this before we left.

Today, Jackie Koppel was supremely upset about her lunch being eaten once again by Gary Hatfield, until she scrolled through all of the recent, tragic news stories.  Now he does not seem like such a bad guy.

Jackie Koppel, a 34-year old data analyst at a small start up in New Haven, Connecticut packs her lunch every day for work.  “The benefits outweight the downsides,” stated Jackie.  “It is usually healthier if you make it yourself, and cheaper.  I also don’t have to worry about where to order food from during lunch time.  I can concentrate on work until the time I eat.”  But Gary Hatfield, a smug little fucker, has stolen at least one lunch of Jackie’s every week for the past month and a half.  “It has been the most infuriating thing.  Like, make your own food.  Or get a 5 dollar sub.  You can afford 5 dollars you cheap dick,” exclaimed Jackie.  But recently her tune has begun to change.

Jackie is reportedly not an avid news follower but recently she accidentally stumbled upon this fresh news source called See En En.  She begun scrolling through all of the terrible events from the past few months: Boston Marathon Bombing, Newtown shooting, Ohio kidnappings, etc.  “Jackie’s demeanor definitely changed towards me stealing her food.  Allegedly stealing,” said Gary, the little fucker that he is.  “She would go on rampages yelling ‘Who stole my food?!?!’  But now she just orders some food and reads the news.  Win one for Gary!”  Jackie reportedly does not see the point in yelling anymore because there are apparently much worse things going on.  Jackie left us in saying “Gary’s still a huge asshole.”


Wayne LaPierre Says Gun Discussion Shouldn’t Happen Until Day Care Center Shooting Happens

“Oh yeah almost forgot, FUCK YOU.”

Critics were stunned today when NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated that he would not be ready to discuss more gun regulations until there was some sort of day care center shooting.

Millions of Americans have been calling for stricter gun control regulations in the aftermath of the Newtown, Connecticut shootings at an elementary school killing 20 children and 8 adults, one of the worst shootings in American history.  The NRA kept quiet for some time out of respect for those lost and affected by the terrible atrocities.  But lately, the fearless leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, has begun speaking out and voicing his opinion on the gun control matter.  “I believe that we are getting close to talking about gun control,” said LaPierre, “but we should probably wait until a day care shooting happens.  Those kids from Newtown were pretty young, but not THAT young.”

The part time lover but never time friend went on to discuss how children already have a chance to live and see some stuff, especially with the internet nowadays.  It is only babies that do not see anything, because light is just so bright to babies and they only see in colors and shapes.  “The next time there is a nursery shooting, give me a call.  Until then, happy shooting.”

Satirists Have all Killed Themselves Attempting to Make Connecticut School Shooting Funny

connecticut shootingSatirists have come out of the woodwork in the past few years, on the internet, on television, and in movies.  They make light of terrible situations or point out odd behavior no one else notices.  They create semi-realistic situations based off of the real world as a form of commentary on said situations.  But today, satirists have officially grown stumped as to how they could make light of the Connecticut school shooting that took place today December 14th 2012.  Opinionated Democrat, Andy Borowitz, and every single writer (and even some accountants) for The Onion, have all committed suicide.  There is no way to make light of this situation.  Not possible.

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