The Key to Fixing The Middle East To Be Decided Over Thanksgiving Dinner at the McClure’s in Manchester, New Hampshire

“What the United States needs to do…” was uttered, and so began the breakthrough ideas set to fix all problems in the Middle East this Thanksgiving at the McClure’s house in Manchester, New Hampshire.

The plan was not to fix a complicated multi-cultural, international dilemma that has seen numerous proposed solutions and countless failures and setbacks. The plan was to enjoy some turkey and hopefully avoid conversations about how much weight Chelsea had gained, despite her still unsolicited diet advice to everyone at the table. But this soon shifted as an awkward silence in conversation occurred at the very moment a news story broke about a downed Apache Helicopter in Afghanistan.

There it was, the weight of the world placed into these delicate hands of an unknown family in New England.  Papa Ken started it off.  “What the United States needs to do…” and before you knew it, everyone was chiming in.  When someone suggested something so stupid like god damn diplomacy, the newborn began to cry. She knew that was fucking stupid.

By the time pumpkin pie rolled around, the solution had been set.  But as the tryptophan began to kick in and most were lulling to sleep, the McClures decided to withhold the plan from “those terrorists” and if they wanted it, they could pry it from “their cold, dead hands.”

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!


The New Bikini Wax Sweeping Congress: The Gaza Strip

McCain has really feminine hips.

Congressmen and women are not necessarily known as the most attractive or physically well-kept individuals.  Sure they’re clean and their hair is typically combed.  But you can’t look at Senator Mitch McConnell and tell me you think his wife enjoys that when he comes home at night.  But recently, a trend has been sweeping Congress like no other before.  It’s called the Gaza Strip bikini wax.

It first became public a few months ago when Anthony Weiner had his Twitter scandal.  In one of the pictures, his pubic hair looked peculiar.  Upon closer inspection, which we worked on for hours, it appeared that his hair was in the shape of the Gaza Strip.  For those of you who do not know about the Gaza Strip, since it hasn’t been in the news in over a year, it is a Palestinian territory that borders Egypt and Israel.  And all of those countries are constantly battling over it despite the fact that no one can spot it on a map.  Not because of our terrible ability to know where to find a map, let alone where anything is on it.  It’s because it is literally too small to be found on most world maps.  You have to zoom in at least 2.5X to see the little blurp.

That’s exactly what the wax is.  You have to get closer than most would normally attempt in order to see the region.  It’s just a tiny bitch of hair to remind whoever is within the vicinity that they can grow the hair, but they’re getting rid of it, for you.  The only question is, who started the trend?

Anthony Weiner states that it’s his idea, but most believe it’s just his attempt to market his new workout program so his input is moot.  Bill Clinton claims it was not him, but who can believe anything that guy says.  Sarah Palin refuses to deny or confirm it was from her, though she has been on the media tour lately discussing the topic.  It’s tough to say who originated the wax, but what we do know, is there’s about to be a shit storm in Congress deciding who gets the title of “Inventor of the Gaza Strip.”

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