Adding ‘Boobs, Tits, Sex, Penetration, Anal, Orgasm, Slut, Kittens, Miley Cyrus’ Only Way Local Blogger Can Get Any Views

Local blogger, Reid Thomas Haines, has found the only way he can get any hits on his blog is to add the most commonly searched for tags of “boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus.”

Reid Thomas Haines has been blogging for several years, spending hours each week on top of his full-time job delicately crafting a beautiful webpage that also has intelligent, thought provoking material about current events in politics, pop culture, and life in general.  “One of my most viewed posts was a discussion about whether or not countries are outdated and if the world should have one global government,” stated Reid.  “It received twelve hits.  It was awesome.”  But lately, Reid has been taking a different approach to finding an audience.  A more visceral one.

Reid has begun only discussing stories where he can say the words ‘boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus’ as many times as possible.  “When I started this tactic, all of the sudden I received fourteen thousand hits.  It was just ok.”  Reid has one of the top viewed blogs in the nation as of today only behind a gossiper drawing dicks on celebrities and a twelve year old girl taking pictures of her turtle in funny situations.  Reid is finally on his way to the top and we will be tracking  his progress closely.  Or more likely we will completely lose track of him until he loses popularity and hits rock bottom.


Ron Paul Releases Statement Re-Announcing He Is Running for President.

In a statement released this Tuesday February 7th, Ron Paul wants everyone to know that he is definitely “still running for President.  Of the United States.  Seriously.”

The press release came after Ron Paul was interviewed by the 7th highest listened to San Diego State University’s radio show ‘Power Hour.’  The brash political science major host asked Mr. Paul who he was endorsing for President.  “I’m endorsing myself.  Because I’m running for President.”  It was then that the know-it-all host told him to “Come on man, be realistic.”

It was at that time Ron Paul gathered all of the fury his 110lb stature could muster, punched the host in the arm with the power of a hundred feathers, and stormed out of the radio station that is covered with musical groups’ posters with a touch of wiener’s added for effect.  Even someone from his most vocal demographic, the college student, didn’t truly support Paul despite the amount of bumper stickers he had passed out.  Paul has been asked numerous times during his campaign, at both strong and weak moments, whether he would endorse Gingrich or Romney, completely undermining his current efforts.

So Ron Paul decided to put out another notice to the media that he is running for President.  Enclosed it states “I hate to have to repeat myself, but I am declaring, for the second time, my candidacy for the United States of America.  I can turn this country back on to the right track.  Though I’m pretty sure if I did return us to prosperity the media would not mention my name once.  So I guess what’s the point?”

Seventy-Three Children Arrested in Sidewalk Graffiti Ring

This Friday, 73 children were arrested in what is being called the “largest sidewalk graffiti bust of all time.” Graffiti has become a major problem in our day and age. The defacing of public and private property is not just annoying, but costs millions in unnecessary damages every single year. Many of those damages coming to sidewalks.

For years sidewalks have been a major target of graffiti “artists.” Whether it be a flower, the sun, misshapen animals, or plans for an Al-Qaeda bomb plot, we have seen them across our beautiful streets for years. But because they appear typically in the hours most of us are at work, it has been near impossible to catch these hooligans.

Well in a moment of serendipitous discovery, FBI Agent Hank Hoeffel returned home from another frustrating and fruitless day at the office searching for countless, and more importantly faceless, patrons of the graffiti world. He sat in his regular couch seat, drank his regular beer and sat his daughter on his lap to ask about her day hoping it would cheer him up.

Unfortunately it would do the exact opposite. He saw that a weird residue was on his suit. When he searched for the cause he realized it was his daughter. He had the ring leader of the chalk gang right underneath his nose all along. He gasped but knew what must be done. He placed her in custody. Upon further investigation he found hundreds of pieces of chalk and a diary filled with names of accomplices.

“This has been the hardest case of my life. But justice has been served. And that is what is most important.”

Rick Santorum Just as Surprised as Everyone Else.

Rick Santorum is doing well lately. Well, just ok. But as far as most of us are concerned, he is doing extremely well. Up until three weeks ago, no one thought this guy had a fighting chance in hell to make an impact on the Republican primary race. But he is actually doing quite well now. Third place on average. And that’s out of four! Pretty dang good. But the American public is not the only group that is surprised. Apparently, so is Rick Santorum.

“I was pretty much expecting to pull a Herman Cain. Get some good publicity. Write a book. And get paid for some speeches on how I could’ve changed America but America was apparently not ready to hear it. What the hell is happening now is beyond me,” says Santorum. “If you googled my name a month ago it would come up with, well let’s just say I didn’t like what it came up with.  I hope your magazine won’t publish it either”. In case you were wondering it’s “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that’s sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”. Pretty gnarly.

No one can be sure if Rick Santorum will ever become President. What we can be sure of is the fact that it probably won’t be this year.

Is the Current Mrs. Gingrich a Sex Doll?

Oh wow.

There are many fake things in D.C. politics.  Promises, speeches, threats, Presidents *coughWcough.*  But the fakeness is possibly at an all time high.  Many have theorized that the current Mrs. Gingrich is actually a poorly constructed sex doll.

Many have not thought about this until someone mentions “I think Mrs. Gingrich is a sex doll.”  To which case everyone has replied “Ahhhhh yeah.  I can definitely see that.”  Let’s face it.  Her skin is far too tight and nice to be a human.  She rarely ever moves and definitely never speaks.  That could be just because she is stricken with fear.  Newt is a powerful man.  But mainly because of that smile.  It is kind of a lifeless, “yes I’m enjoying this” type of smile.  A smile that has never left her face since she came onto the the political scene that is Newt’s life.  It is possible that she is just constantly facing a giant fan, but what is much more likely, is that Newt outsourced finding his wife to the Japanese who created a cyborg that will undoubtedly have sex with him.  If anyone gets close enough, touch her skin and email us at  Let us know what her skin feels like and/or if she reacts.

Scientists Discover Dogs Really Thinking What You Are Saying.

Who needs a husband, right?

Dog lovers world-wide will undoubtedly revel in the news that came out this Thursday about their beloved canine companions. Science has proven that dogs are actually thinking exactly what their masters are saying for them.

If you have ever owned a dog, or been around a dog owner, they typically speak for their dogs as if they were a 1920s housewife who shan’t speak in public. “I’m hungry mommy,” is a popular one. “I never thought you’d return!” is another popular one. “You don’t need a boyfriend, because you have me,” is probably less popular but I’m sure is out there as well.

In a twelve week study done by a state university, scientists measured the brain waves of canines as well as the brain waves of their masters. Brain waves peaked at the same time in the same exact ways whenever a master would speak for their canine counterpart. And even more remarkable was the fact that besides those moments, the dog owners had almost no brain waves at all when they were thinking or discussing things other than their dogs. Literally, zero activity.

Rawful News Cover – Steven Chu

Steven Chu - Secretary of Energy

Is it really better to give, than to receive?

Gimme that.

Now that the holiday season is over, it gives us a little time to reflect on everything that has occurred in the past few months.  The gifts, the pine trees, the embarrassing revelations exclaimed after too much alcoholic egg nog. Here at Rawful News, during our yearly attempts at Secret Santa (despite it only being one person who works here) we were trying to figure out, “Is it really better to give, than it is to receive?”

Let’s think about it this. If you are giving, what do you GET out of it? You can see the person who received a gift enjoy it most likely during the brief time it takes them to receive something else and maybe once at a later date when they are wearing/using it. But then what are you left with? Picking up all of the trash, an empty wallet, and possibly nothing in return.

If you receive, you get to have a new thing. And how awesome are things and stuff?  The best.  You can use it, return it for money, or worst case scenario get a gift card. Being about as American as it gets, we love receiving new stuff.

But in giving, what you DO get is them feeling like they owe you something. If you give something to someone, they will undoubtedly feel obligated to run out and buy you something, or eventually repay the favor by buying dinner or possibly something even crazier you can’t even imagine! So on those merits alone we have decided that it truly is better to give than to receive.  Barely.

%d bloggers like this: