Lately the Guy in the Office Who Ate Your Lunch Today Not Seeming like Such a Bad Guy

We stole this before we left.

Today, Jackie Koppel was supremely upset about her lunch being eaten once again by Gary Hatfield, until she scrolled through all of the recent, tragic news stories.  Now he does not seem like such a bad guy.

Jackie Koppel, a 34-year old data analyst at a small start up in New Haven, Connecticut packs her lunch every day for work.  “The benefits outweight the downsides,” stated Jackie.  “It is usually healthier if you make it yourself, and cheaper.  I also don’t have to worry about where to order food from during lunch time.  I can concentrate on work until the time I eat.”  But Gary Hatfield, a smug little fucker, has stolen at least one lunch of Jackie’s every week for the past month and a half.  “It has been the most infuriating thing.  Like, make your own food.  Or get a 5 dollar sub.  You can afford 5 dollars you cheap dick,” exclaimed Jackie.  But recently her tune has begun to change.

Jackie is reportedly not an avid news follower but recently she accidentally stumbled upon this fresh news source called See En En.  She begun scrolling through all of the terrible events from the past few months: Boston Marathon Bombing, Newtown shooting, Ohio kidnappings, etc.  “Jackie’s demeanor definitely changed towards me stealing her food.  Allegedly stealing,” said Gary, the little fucker that he is.  “She would go on rampages yelling ‘Who stole my food?!?!’  But now she just orders some food and reads the news.  Win one for Gary!”  Jackie reportedly does not see the point in yelling anymore because there are apparently much worse things going on.  Jackie left us in saying “Gary’s still a huge asshole.”


Experts Say Nation Likely to Starve With All These Restaurants Taking Stances on Social Issues

With Papa Johns, Applebee’s, and Denny’s have all coming out as opponents of “Obamacare” and price hikes, along with the statements of Chick-Fil-A CEO about marriage equality, experts believe that the nation may soon starve.

There  is not an abundance of food places across the United States, and it was just recently proven that the majority of Americans side with President Barack Obama.  Boycotting these restaurants and fast food chains could have disastrous effects on the nation’s health.  “Starving oneself for country is not a new phenomenon,” stated Scientist James Maden.  “Gandhi is the most notable, but many have starved themselves in protest.  But with the amount of restaurant chains, three in total, it is cause for concern.  People need to eat.  Even Democrats.”

Many have hailed how this may hurt our economy directly and indirectly.  Higher prices could mean less food items bought, meaning some employees may lose their jobs.  But it may also mean that people may lose a few inches in their waists which will be disastrous for Americans’ increasingly necessary health-care procedures like lap band surgeries or medicine for diabetics.  “It could possibly kill thousands of jobs,” stated Economy Scientist Fred Hankonson.  “Obama Hussein believes he is pro economy.  Show me how losing jobs is pro economy.  You show me that ese.”

End Pieces of the Loaf Really Starting to Feel Left Out

Totes delish.

In the wake of lunch time, the end pieces of the loaf are really starting to feel left out, reported the nation’s bread supply.

After a fury of sandwich preparations today, 9 out of 10 end pieces were either thrown away, used to wipe up messes, or were kept inside of the bag never to be heard from again.  Many people have passive aggressively shown their distate for an entire piece of bread covered in crust by never using them.  Sometimes they are sentenced to death by trash can.  Other times they are sentenced to a life of internment as they are slowly eaten by parasites inside of a plastic bag.

Those pieces of bread have recently started a union though, known as the Center of Beaten Bread (COBB).  Together they are banning together to find work for the mistreated bread pieces.  Some are being used as bread crumbs for things like tilapia or chicken.  Others have found employment as something to wipe up yolk from fried eggs.  A few have even found work as extras in Hollywood.  A spokesperson for the group stated however that “even though these pieces of bread are slowly finding work, it is still very disconcerting that the general public would refuse them just because of their look.  They are hearty and delicious.  You should try one yourself.”

Chick-Fil-A Really Being a Dick to Their Gay Chickens Before They Chop Their Heads Off

Those cows are Methodist.

Chick-Fil-A came out of the proverbial closet last week as opponents of same-sex marriage.  But what is really upsetting to the LGBT community is the rude manner in which they are treating the gay chickens they have right before they chop their heads off and fry them in the most delicious manner possible.

It has only come to light since the COO of Chick-fil-a made incriminating comments against the gays that the company, that the company has been seeking out gay chickens and mistreating them, just to really drive the point home.  This has apparently been an “off the books” practice since the 1980’s when people first started thinking about what homosexuals are. 

Their method of finding the gay chickens is by putting same sex chickens into cages together, and if they hump each other, or look too longingly at one another, or have a more pastel colored beak, they are labelled “gay.”  They are then put into a separate cage so as to not “infect” the other straight chickens.  While in there, people line up one-by-one, employees usually but sometimes contest winners too, and ridicule the chickens for their choice of lifestlye.  “It’s Adam and Eve at Chick-Fil-A not Adam and Steve eating fried chicken!” is a popular one.  “Your lifestyle choices will be the end of you!  Also being a delicious chicken doesn’t help!” others have yelled.

Then, right before the moment of no return, all gay chickens are punched in the genitals in order to teach them a lesson in this life and the next.  It’s a very similar scene to that of the Saddam Hussein hanging.

%d bloggers like this: