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The Key to Fixing The Middle East To Be Decided Over Thanksgiving Dinner at the McClure’s in Manchester, New Hampshire


“What the United States needs to do…” was uttered, and so began the breakthrough ideas set to fix all problems in the Middle East this Thanksgiving at the McClure’s house in Manchester, New Hampshire.

The plan was not to fix a complicated multi-cultural, international dilemma that has seen numerous proposed solutions and countless failures and setbacks. The plan was to enjoy some turkey and hopefully avoid conversations about how much weight Chelsea had gained, despite her still unsolicited diet advice to everyone at the table. But this soon shifted as an awkward silence in conversation occurred at the very moment a news story broke about a downed Apache Helicopter in Afghanistan.

There it was, the weight of the world placed into these delicate hands of an unknown family in New England.  Papa Ken started it off.  “What the United States needs to do…” and before you knew it, everyone was chiming in.  When someone suggested something so stupid like god damn diplomacy, the newborn began to cry. She knew that was fucking stupid.

By the time pumpkin pie rolled around, the solution had been set.  But as the tryptophan began to kick in and most were lulling to sleep, the McClures decided to withhold the plan from “those terrorists” and if they wanted it, they could pry it from “their cold, dead hands.”

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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Parents Warned That the Number 1 Cause of Infantile Death, is Life.


No baby.

As if parents did not have enough to worry about: rape, murder, obesity, bullies, suicide, self-esteem, Goths, emos, lead poisoning, autism,  and boo-boos, just to name a few.  All of these are potential life-enders for children, the greatest nightmare of all parents.  All parents innately need to protect their children from pain and death.  But recent studies by parental scientists claim that the leading cause of child and infantile death is none other than life.

Last year, over ten thousand children passed away from one thing or another (Wikipedia).  Almost all of them unjustly.  Soon after this a group of parental groups began brainstorming on how to avoid all of these deaths at the same time.  They were virtually attempting to save two birds with one stone.  That one stone turned out to be preventing life.  Just stop having sexual intercourse.  If you must have sexual intercourse, though it is not recommended, do so with a condom.  The reasoning behind this line of action that some are calling reckless and crazy, is that if children are never born, they can never feel pain or suffering, discouragement or disappointment, bullying or defeat.

The portion of the brain that causes us to realize what pain feels like and that we are actually experiencing it develops around the end of the first trimester of pregnancy.  But the pain future parents can feel for the possibility of pain that their children can feel is around even before conception.  The reality of which is realized once the child is born.  It is all downhill after birth.

“It’s really a selfless act to not have kids.  Not only does it save them all of the trouble they would ever experience, it also saves us from hassling them about staying safe and being careful not to get raped or murdered,” so says Sarah Moner a new wife and unexpecting mother.  “My husband and I have chosen to not have four children because of this finding.  It’s a personal choice of how many children not to have.  That’s really all it boils down to.”

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