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Americans Still Giving So Many Fucks About the Obama Administration’s Recent Scandals


The Obama Administration has had more than its fair share of scandals in recent months.  A recent poll is showing that the American public gives so many fucks about the scandals that it’s insane.

The NSA wiretapping scandal, the release of records stating over 3,000 people were killed by drone strikes last year, the IRS targeting of Obama’s denouncers, the ATF “Fast and Furious” scheme, amongst numerous other stories, have only increased the amount of fucks Americans are giving about their President.  “Every time I hear of a new scandal, I give, like, double the fucks than normal,” stated Preschool Teacher, Aaron Klatt.  “Sometimes it feels like I can’t give any more fucks, but somehow I always find more fucks to give.”

A recent poll done by somebody somewhere stated that people give, on average, twenty-seven thousand fucks per year, but that number is only rising.  “People don’t forget these scandals immediately, Mr. Hussein Obama!” stated French Press connoisseur Jacque Blackman.  “Every day I give fucks, and every day Obama learns that Americans won’t take this lightly, and won’t forget these things probably a day or two after it happens.  No sir.”

Still no word on how many shits were not given during Obama’s second term.

 

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Rawful News Cover – Some Black Guy


Why Michelle Walked Out on Barack on Valentine’s Day…


cute.

Even the leader of the free world is not immune to the troubles Valentine’s Day so often brings couples. This time, it led to the First Lady, Michelle Obama, walking out on her husband Barack.

The morning of February 14th, Michelle awoke to Barack who served her breakfast in bed and surrounded in her in America’s finest roses. (He needed American roses because otherwise Fox News would have been all over his tail.) From there he whisped her off into the Lincoln bedroom where they made sweet, passionate, morning love with the promise of more to “come.” (Our words not his. He’s too classy for that.)

After the recovery period, (you know what they say about black guys), Barack and Michelle went for a leisurely stroll from the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument where they talked of times past. When they first met, their first date, their wedding, and of course Malia and Sasha’s birth. Upon returning to the White House, things began to go awry.

After their walk, they returned to find out the situation in Syria had escalated to an extremely violent revolution and action was necessary so Barack was whisked away to the Oval Office effectively cutting short the promise of a beautiful Valentine’s Day.

Barack sent notes to Michelle throughout the day telling her how much he loved her. The notes that returned were not so amicable. They typically included something along the lines of “if you loved me you’d be here,” and “I was faking it this morning.” He continued to apologize via text and written note but to no avail.

When Barack finally freed up his schedule to make dinner on time, Michelle was beside herself. Despite him making it on time to dinner, Michelle was so disgusted that he had to be somewhere else, she decided to skip dinner. Reports say that they heard her yelling “I don’t care if you’re the President, you need to be with me!”. She then stormed out and forced Barack to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom which is reportedly the least comfortable room in the White House. Apparently, even being the leader of the free world, with its fragile balance in his hands, is not immune to being treated like a little bitch.

Rawful News Cover – Janet Napolitano


Sorry we covered part of her pretty face up.

Ron Paul Releases Statement Re-Announcing He Is Running for President.


In a statement released this Tuesday February 7th, Ron Paul wants everyone to know that he is definitely “still running for President.  Of the United States.  Seriously.”

The press release came after Ron Paul was interviewed by the 7th highest listened to San Diego State University’s radio show ‘Power Hour.’  The brash political science major host asked Mr. Paul who he was endorsing for President.  “I’m endorsing myself.  Because I’m running for President.”  It was then that the know-it-all host told him to “Come on man, be realistic.”

It was at that time Ron Paul gathered all of the fury his 110lb stature could muster, punched the host in the arm with the power of a hundred feathers, and stormed out of the radio station that is covered with musical groups’ posters with a touch of wiener’s added for effect.  Even someone from his most vocal demographic, the college student, didn’t truly support Paul despite the amount of bumper stickers he had passed out.  Paul has been asked numerous times during his campaign, at both strong and weak moments, whether he would endorse Gingrich or Romney, completely undermining his current efforts.

So Ron Paul decided to put out another notice to the media that he is running for President.  Enclosed it states “I hate to have to repeat myself, but I am declaring, for the second time, my candidacy for the United States of America.  I can turn this country back on to the right track.  Though I’m pretty sure if I did return us to prosperity the media would not mention my name once.  So I guess what’s the point?”

Candidates’ Superbowl Predictions


As most of you probably know, except for the hermits, the Superbowl was yesterday.  The New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots for the second time in five years to become the World Champions.  But what is more important, is who the candidates were endorsing for the win.  Here is a list of who each candidate believed would win and why.

Newt Gingrich – “Patriots win 1,000,000 to nothing.  And that is because no one can beat an American Patriot.  In fact, in opposing a Patriot you become a terrorist.  Congratulations New York Giants, you just made the no fly list.”

Mitt Romney -We searched through hours of transcript of Romney trying to deliver an answer and here is what we have collected so far. ” Both teams have their merits.  One has a great defense one has a great offense.  You need both an offense and a defense to win games and, well, both of those teams have those things.  Special teams too.  Don’t forget about them.  Because they’re much like this coal miner I met before I fired him…”  That’s pretty much all we could stomach.

Rick Santorum – “I am going for the New England Patriots because when I hear the Giants, I think about the San Francisco Giants.  San Francisco is where the gays live.  Gay is not the way.  Go Patriots.”

Ron Paul – “Well I believe the Giants will win because of their excellent pass rush.  Also because media and corporate giants always win with the system we have set up.  Let me tell you about my economic plan for this nation…”  That was about the time we cut him off to find out what his favorite snack is.  Goldfish.

Is the Current Mrs. Gingrich a Sex Doll?


Oh wow.

There are many fake things in D.C. politics.  Promises, speeches, threats, Presidents *coughWcough.*  But the fakeness is possibly at an all time high.  Many have theorized that the current Mrs. Gingrich is actually a poorly constructed sex doll.

Many have not thought about this until someone mentions “I think Mrs. Gingrich is a sex doll.”  To which case everyone has replied “Ahhhhh yeah.  I can definitely see that.”  Let’s face it.  Her skin is far too tight and nice to be a human.  She rarely ever moves and definitely never speaks.  That could be just because she is stricken with fear.  Newt is a powerful man.  But mainly because of that smile.  It is kind of a lifeless, “yes I’m enjoying this” type of smile.  A smile that has never left her face since she came onto the the political scene that is Newt’s life.  It is possible that she is just constantly facing a giant fan, but what is much more likely, is that Newt outsourced finding his wife to the Japanese who created a cyborg that will undoubtedly have sex with him.  If anyone gets close enough, touch her skin and email us at rawfulnews@yahoo.com.  Let us know what her skin feels like and/or if she reacts.

Scientists Discover Dogs Really Thinking What You Are Saying.


Who needs a husband, right?

Dog lovers world-wide will undoubtedly revel in the news that came out this Thursday about their beloved canine companions. Science has proven that dogs are actually thinking exactly what their masters are saying for them.

If you have ever owned a dog, or been around a dog owner, they typically speak for their dogs as if they were a 1920s housewife who shan’t speak in public. “I’m hungry mommy,” is a popular one. “I never thought you’d return!” is another popular one. “You don’t need a boyfriend, because you have me,” is probably less popular but I’m sure is out there as well.

In a twelve week study done by a state university, scientists measured the brain waves of canines as well as the brain waves of their masters. Brain waves peaked at the same time in the same exact ways whenever a master would speak for their canine counterpart. And even more remarkable was the fact that besides those moments, the dog owners had almost no brain waves at all when they were thinking or discussing things other than their dogs. Literally, zero activity.

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