The Key to Fixing The Middle East To Be Decided Over Thanksgiving Dinner at the McClure’s in Manchester, New Hampshire

“What the United States needs to do…” was uttered, and so began the breakthrough ideas set to fix all problems in the Middle East this Thanksgiving at the McClure’s house in Manchester, New Hampshire.

The plan was not to fix a complicated multi-cultural, international dilemma that has seen numerous proposed solutions and countless failures and setbacks. The plan was to enjoy some turkey and hopefully avoid conversations about how much weight Chelsea had gained, despite her still unsolicited diet advice to everyone at the table. But this soon shifted as an awkward silence in conversation occurred at the very moment a news story broke about a downed Apache Helicopter in Afghanistan.

There it was, the weight of the world placed into these delicate hands of an unknown family in New England.  Papa Ken started it off.  “What the United States needs to do…” and before you knew it, everyone was chiming in.  When someone suggested something so stupid like god damn diplomacy, the newborn began to cry. She knew that was fucking stupid.

By the time pumpkin pie rolled around, the solution had been set.  But as the tryptophan began to kick in and most were lulling to sleep, the McClures decided to withhold the plan from “those terrorists” and if they wanted it, they could pry it from “their cold, dead hands.”

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!


Senior Al Qaeda Leaders Now Down to Group of Bullies at Local Afghani School

Yolo. Specially for these guys.

A recently leaked CIA document stated that Al Qaeda is down to a “group of bullies at a local Afghani school.”

The war on terror has not been kind to those whom the American government deem to be terrorists.  One such organization is Al Qaeda.  This well known terrorist organization’s once full ranks have since been depleted by the United States military.  With the initial invasions into both Iraq and Afghanistan, along with continued fighting, drone kills (4,000 and counting), Al Qaeda is now officially down to a group of bullies at a local Afghani high school calling themselves Al Qaeda.

“We have a watchful eye on the group,” stated a CIA senior official named Al Harris who asked not to be named.  “We have drones circling the area.  All we need is for them to slip up by giving some kid a noogie, wedgie, or swirly and shit will storm down.  The skies will open up, and it will destroy them.”  Unnamed Al Harris senior CIA operative from Sacramento, Ca also stated off the record that the American public will not be made aware when the last Al Qaeda scum were wiped from this earth.  That it will just happen.

Terrorists Ask to be Waterboarded Because They’re so Thirsty.

That guy is no longer thirsty.

For years, the practice of waterboarding has been under attack from the ‘lamestream’ media saying that it is ineffective to torture “enemy combatants” because the information given is often unreliable.  But recently, the form of torture has become highly sought after, but from a surprising side of the argument.  The tortured.

“The members of the Taliban wish to be waterboarded repeatedly if captured.  It is so damn hot out here.  We are all so thirsty.  Please help.  Death to America.”  In Iraq, the average temperature is around 120 degrees Fahrenheit (48 degrees Celsius for you terrorists and Europeans out there).  One can only imagine the dehydration that must occur during those long summer trainings that include jungle gyms and crawling on the ground (that’s about all they do we guess because that’s about all that is ever shown).

Republicans revel this as a great step forward in the humane use of torture.  “For once those terrorists are making sense,” spat Rush Limbaugh.  “I actually agree with these terrorists.  I also agree that Obama is a Muslim.  I also want to know if you listeners out there don’t finish your lunches, bring them here.  I will destroy your leftovers.”

The American Government has never been more confused.  If they don’t torture, the terrorists win.  If they do torture the terrorists win.  It almost seems as if this battle is pointless and will have no victory either way.  Something that is completely unheard of in American foreign policy.

U.S. Government Sends a ‘Condolences’ Card to Afghani Families.

Told ya it was lovely.

This past week, a rogue American soldier killed 17 Afghani civilians and wounded many others.

There is no section of the Constitution that dictates how to properly handle this situation.  Forty years ago, without the internet, this could have easily been overlooked as just another act of war.  But nowadays people actually feel bad when word of this situation gets around.  So the government needed to step in and alleviate the situation.

That is where the Condolences card came into play.  President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Bro Biden reportedly went to their local Walgreens, where they spent approximately fourteen minutes chasing after the perfect card that would really embody how The White House Staff and the American people as a whole truly felt.

You can see the card the trio landed at the end of their search at the top of the article.  It is very pretty and will undoubtedly create a sense of gratitude amongst the Afghani victims for the American government keeping them in their thoughts and prayers.  That will definitely make everything feel all better.

Here is a list of what the three said on the inside of the card:

Hillary Clinton: I have literally been crying nonstop.  I can’t stop thinking about how I could’ve stopped this.  Or just how this will affect me in the future.  It’s important to think about yourself in times like this. -Hillary Clinton

Bro Biden: Have I ever told you folks about the time when I came across a dying squirrel in the streets?  Next time you’re around remind me to tell you about it. – Bro.

Barack Obama: My bad. – The Big O

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