Joblessness of Tim Tebows at 100%

Such supple skin.

Almost every demographic is still feeling the effects of the United States’ spiraling economy.  It has more or less subsided for the time, but one demographic is being hit with unemployment more than any other: the Tim Tebows of the world.

In a recent study done by the Federal Bureau of Statistics, it estimated that 1 out of every 1 Tim Tebow in the United States remains unemployed despite the upward turn of the United States economy.  “That is a deplorable statistic,” stated Florida Gators alumni, Marco Rubio.  “In a nation that prides itself on adversity and best man for the job, someone as amazing and beautiful and smooth as the Tim Tebows of this world should be able to find work.  Obama strikes again.”  Many conservatives have denounced President Obama in his handling of the unemployment situation amongst Tim Tebows.  “He has yet to show any semblance of a plan on how to get Tim Tebows employed again,” said long time politician and white haired fogey John McCain.  “Until we see a plan that we can publicly denounce, we will continue to fight for what is right for this nation and the Tim Tebows of the world.”


D.C. Mayor Wants Redskins’ Name to be Changed To the Savages.

What is happening in this picture?

After numerous years of scrutiny, the mayor of Washington D.C. has decided to change the name of the Washington Redskins.  The name, if passed, will be the Washington Savages.

For years, the name Redskins has been shouted at countless sporting events.  Many Americans forget the racism that follows this word.  “A Redskin is not a name we choose to identify ourselves with,” said someone who could easily be mistaken for a Mexican, Chief Jonawopano.  “That is something our invaders used to identify us with.  It is like,” looks all around, “calling a black person the n-word.  You wouldn’t name a national sports team the ‘n-words’ would you?!”  Fair points.  To get the other side of the story, we talked to a local D.C. resident to find out his take on the story.

“I don’t think they should change their name,” stated 47 year old data analyst.  “Are you kidding me?!  Do I really need to tell you why?!  They’ve always been named the Redskins.  You just want to change history?  And we don’t think about Indians when we say Redskins anymore.  It’s like calling a gay person a ‘fag.’  It’s like, der, get over it.  Am I right?” he said as he dropped half a turkey club sandwich on the ground.  Not to worry though as he picked it up, brushed it off, and finished that bad boy.  There are numerous sides to the story.  But one thing is certain.  We could not find any more Native Americans to interview.

NCAA Claiming Outreach to Those Driven Crazy By March Madness More Important Than T-shirt Gun Control

This is an over the counter, same-day t-shirt gun.

The NCAA is making headlines today, not with actual playing of sports, but with their controversial stances on tshirt gun control.  An NCAA Spokesperson stated today that “Tshirt gun control is not a problem.  We need better outreach to those suffering from March Madness.  That is it.”

March has become a month driven by insanity.  The insanity causes people to bet money on teams they have never heard of before, drink copious amounts of alcohol, experience short, explosive bursts of depression, and of course the use of t-shirt guns.  Many of those afflicted take to firing of t-shirt guns as an outlet for their anger or unrecognized feelings.  Sometimes people just want to see something destroyed.  By the crowd ripping it into pieces while fighting over the free shirt.  Injuries have plagued the “mad” crowds because of these t-shirt guns.

“They don’t even do any research to find out who will be shooting into the crowd,” stated recently injured San Diego State sophomore Alexia Ramirez.  “This black eye will forever change my life.  The pictures are already on Facebook.”  In fact, the NCAA has not done a single background check on those doing the firing.  And that is because the NCAA maintains that it is more important for colleges to have better outreach to those afflicted by March Madness than it is to ban t-shirt guns.  “T-shirt guns are a way of life,” said an NCAA spokesperson.  “They are as American as sports themselves.  Getting rid of them, or making sure they are used safely is only saying that you hope every sport ends and obesity takes over.  Is that what you want?  AN INCREASINGLY SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE?!  I’m sorry I yelled.”

American universities and the NCAA has been at odds for years, neither one willing to negotiate with the other.  For now, t-shirt guns are here to stay.

Ray Lewis: Greatest Murderer/Athlete of All Time

There have been many greats in American sports: Bart Starr, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Rex Grossman.  The list could go on and on.  But very few hold the title of murderer/athlete.  That distinction is left to a select few.  Today at Rawful News, in honor of the coming Superbowl, we have named Ray Lewis the greatest murderer/athlete of all time.

This was no easy task to determine the great murder/athlete of all time either.  The list is deep with talented murderers who played professional sports.  Like Javaris Critterton who was arrested for allegedly killing an old lady, Mark Rogowski a skateboarder circa the days of Tony Hawk’s beginnings, Jayson Williams who killed his limo driver, OJ Simpson who you may remember, Ugueth Urbina who took a machete to some of his ranch workers and then set fire them on fire.  All of these are great athletes, or great murders.  But not both.  None have reached the level of Ray Lewis as a hero to the American public, future hall of fame linebacker, and alleged murderer.

The NFL has discussed with other leagues the possibility of bringing about a murderer/sports hall of fame.  “We are committed to recognizing excellence on AND off the field,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  “It’s about time somebody stood up and recognized them.”  Plans to instate the Murder/Sports Hall of Fame are in the initial talks and will most likely not become fully realized until 2018.  By that time there should be a whole new batch of deaths to discuss.

CNN Plans on Catching the Next Big Hoax

Being not real is KINDA like being dead.

Yesterday, uncovered a story that is still unfolding, a hoax involving Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o and an apparently imaginary girlfriend.  CNN went on record promising that they’ll “get the next one.”

Recently, CNN has ended their investigative journalism sector, one of the staples of any news station.  The profitability is no longer there when a “news” organization can rely on viewers to upload content and comment on the larger, already well known events of the day.  This led to a semi-reputable source, Deadspin, uncovering this incredible hoax of a girlfriend instead of the companies that consider themselves news organizations.  CNN has released a statement addressing this complete miss.

“CNN is cutting edge in terms of news,” stated CNN CEO.  “We always strive to give the best, most informed news and be first on the scene.  That does not always happen, but we will definitely get the next one. Promise.”  CNN has no plans on bringing back their investigative department which will make it much more difficult to accomplish, but if they do not, there will always be great coverage of a murder that happened somewhere to someone.

Roger Goodell Just Realizing the Buffalo Bills Did Not Play this Season.

No wonder they don’t do well. Their picture is of their mascot taking a bullet to the head.

Many NFL teams go unnoticed throughout the season as it becomes clear their chances of a Superbowl victory are slim.  But none has gone more unnoticed than the Buffalo Bills.  In fact, Roger Goodell just realized that they did not even play one game this season.

NFL Playoffs are in full swing as of this weekend where it has become time to reflect on the past season, and the prospects for the eliminated teams in the upcoming draft.  While looking at who would receive what drafting spot something peculiar occurred.  The numbers were not lining up.  “We have a certain amount of draft picks, a certain amount of eliminated teams, and a certain amount of teams in the playoffs,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  “We were one off each time.  So we took our search to Wikipedia to see what teams actually play in the NFL and we noticed that the Buffalo Bills did not have a record this season.”

Apparently, the ever-mediocre Buffalo Bills saw their chances of winning the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season as practically non-existent.  “We decided that it was in the best interest of our fans, our players, and the organization as a whole, to forgo the season,” stated Bills head coach Chan Gailey.  “You have no idea how upsetting every game is for us.  Even a win feels like a loss.”  Questions circulated as to why Chan was let go recently, and the decision to forgo and entire football season may be a small factor in that.  The Buffalo Bills are hoping to start anew by giving themselves a new mascot or switching from Buffalo to Poughkeepsie.  Anything to get better.

UN Calls Emergency Meeting to Determine the Correct Pronunciation of Ndamukong Suh.

Suh suh suhdio

The United Nations has called an emergency meeting to finally determine the correct pronunciation of Ndamukong Suh.

Many professional athletes given unusual names at birth.  There have not been studies as of yet connecting the two, but it was an indisputable fact that some athletes’ names are not the norm.  Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamunkong Suh seems to be one of the most peculiar.  In fact, of the dozens of times he has played on national television, there have been even more pronunciations of his first and last name.  Since Suh has refused to comment on the matter, it is up to this non-governmental organization (NGO) to finalize the pronunciation.

During this meeting held in Detroit, many possibilities were tried. “Nuh-dom-a-kin SOO,” is what the ambassador from China stated.  “Dimsung,” is what the United States UN Ambassador stated.  “Nid-mikun shhhhhh,” was what the Palestinian UN Ambassador stated (way to blow your first UN meeting Palestine).  None of these received any more than one or two votes.  The UN is currently still in gridlock about this issue.  UN Spokesperson stated that “we hope that be through this pointless discussion from this powerless body by the end of the week.  But tensions are running high.”  We will keep you updated as this story develops.  We know it is very important to everyone.

NBA Statement: “Thank God those couple of tiny white refs were there to break up that fight”

There he is, you can kind of see him.

Recently, a fight broke out between Kris Humphries of the Brooklyn Nets and what seemed like the entire Celtics starting five.  The National Basketball League has come out with a statement thanking those “tiny little white men we call refs.”

The full statement is as follows:

“We want to thank the brave little white men we call refs for stepping in and doing their part by breaking up the fight between what most people would consider to be monsters.  They blew their whistles and pushed with all their might, and eventually the basketball players were a fright.  Oh shit that just rhymed haha.  Anywhozers.  We always pride ourselves on choosing the smallest people that we know could break up a fight between seven foot tall behemoths and other seven foot tall behemoths.  And in this sport they don’t even have yellow flags filled with magical power to separate them.  It is all their might.  And we salute you.  No raises though.”

The National Basketball Association would also like to thank the whistle suppliers as those things hurt really bad when they are blown close by.

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