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Oscars Audience Gives Harvey Weinstein Standing Ovation as He Violently Masturbates on Stage


Happy man right there.

Tonight, many standing ovations were had, but none lasted longer than when Harvey Weinstein, the outspoken head of the Weinstein Company, took the stage and proceeded to violently masturbate for ten minutes on stage, despite not winning a any award.

The Oscars were held tonight, awarding the incredible achievements in film for the year 2012 in all departments including sound mixing, acting, writing, and directing.  Part way through the awards, when the Oscar for best editing was being given out, Harvey Weinstein rushed the stage and took the Oscar for his own in pure Kanye style party crashing.  What is even more surprising is that instead of explaining what he was doing, he dropped his pants and began to violently masturbate on stage.

“It was revolutionary,” stated first-time Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence.  “He’s cut-throat, but he doesn’t stick with the status quo.  That’s why he’s so successful.  The masturbating simply embodies that.”  The Academy attempted to play the music to lead him off, but he simply stuck with it.  In total Harvey was up there for 11 minutes and the audience gave an raucous standing ovation the entire time.

Harvey Weinstein did not receive any awards, though Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino won awards for their Weinstein Company movies.  Rumors circulate whether this will become a new tradition of the Oscars, or if it already was.

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JJ Abrams to Direct Everything that Ever Was or Will Be


May the force live long and prosper.

Just on the heels of Disney’s announcement, declaring JJ Abrams to be the next director of Star Wars’ reboot, all major studios have come in to agreement that JJ should direct every movie from now on and be given credit for any movie that has already been made.

JJ Abrams and his production company, Bad Robot, have been extremely successful in recent years releasing numerous blockbusters including Mission Impossible, Cloverfield, Super 8, and most recently the reboot of the ever popular Star Trek franchise.  Disney has since offered JJ the director’s job on the new Star Wars film.  Since then, several high profile meetings involving heads of all the major movie and television studios to convene and agree, JJ should direct everything from now on.  “He is a talented director,” stated CAA head Richard Lovett.  “He also makes a buttload of money.  That usually never ends so it’s a great idea to have him direct everything from now on.”

The decision was not only made to have Abrams direct everything from now on, but to give him a directing credit on every movie that has ever been made as well.  Since that decision was made, past movies and television show sales have gone through the proverbial roof.  “DVD’s, VHS’s, you name it.  They’re flying off the shelves,” stated last Blockbuster manager Aaron Greenspan.  “We are almost completely wiped out, and not because we can’t afford to stay open.  It’s like real business is happening.  We actually had to hire an employee.  Crazy.”

Man Accusing Elmo of Pedophilia Was Totes Joshin’


The man who recently accused Elmo’s pupeteer of having sexual intercourse while he was underage has released a statement that he was “totes just joshin’ around.”

A former lover of the Elmo pupeteer recently told the media that their sexual encounters were when the anonymous Pennsylvania man was a minor, thereby accusing him of pedophilia/child rape.  Being a part of such a well-known child’s program, it was clear why there was such an uproar.  It was not until the anonymous gentleman saw the uproar that he decided to set the record straight.  “I was totes joshin’ guys,” stated the now 26 Pennsylvania man.  “Didn’t know everyone was gonna get all weird about it.  Sheesh.”  He also wanted to make sure that people stop “taking rape so seriously.”  The impact this will have on Elmo’s puppeteer is probably minimal because no one will remember any part of this story in a year, especially not the part about him raping a child.

Nations Elderly Caught Masturbating During ‘Hope Springs’ Showing


This week, the nation’s FBI reported that thousands of elderly Americans have been cited or arrested for indecent exposure during showings of the new Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep flick.

The romantic comedy, or RomCom, came out recently with a decent showing at the box office, highlights an older couple looking to rekindle that flame, sexually and emotionally, they had during the first part of their marriage.  In doing so, their relationship has it’s ups and downs, many of which include reengaging sexually with each other.  This is reportedly a problem that afflicts almost every single elderly couple.  Their junk has stopped working, and to rekindle the flame they either need medication or an emotional overhaul.

“Many Americans have been foregoing medical treatment for their lack of sex drive and simply attending a screening of ‘Hope Springs,’ stated FBI Special Agent Kellen McSneller.  “We were hearing complaints about elderly couples being removed from the theatre for either masturbating or committing lude acts upon one another.  So we decided to put an FBI agent in every showing of the film.”  Since then over three thousand couples, six thousand people, have been arrested for committing lude and lascivious act in a public setting.

“So we have heard recently, going to jail is also helping these old fucks get their flame back.  We have to hose down the cells when they’re gone.  It’s a nightmare.”

Universal Plans to Release a Film Starring Someone You Like About a Story That Doesn’t Make You Think.


Get a mountain of popcorn at the concession stand!

Universal Studios, celebrating their 100th anniversary (just a few months younger than Paramount Studios), has been releasing a frenzy of movies.  The next movie will be starring someone you like about a story that does not make you think.

Recently, someone you like has been as hot as volcanic lava starring in everything from “Someone Like You” to “Action is My Middle Name” to “What?” all grossing over 50 million at the box office.  Well someone you like will soon be starring in the epic remake of a movie that didn’t make you think the first time around but will definitely be dulled down so that you have to think even less this time around.

It will also be featuring a hot newcomer as the love interest.  This is definitely someone you will recognize but not someone that is a household name, but with any commercial success of the movie they will soon be the talk of the town as the new hot star.  The two will be on an adventure creating problems between them, but at the end they will most likely become better individuals and a better team for the whole process.  The movie will be released at a specific date not coinciding with any giant blockbuster that would take away from their profits.  Steve Carell will also star in the movie as a loveable, goofy friend.

In an Even Stranger Turn of Events, Daniel Tosh DID NOT Joke About Rape Last Night.


Last night, Daniel Tosh went to another comedy club, as stand up comedians are known to do, and in a remarkable turn of events did NOT joke about rape last night.

Daniel Tosh broke his streak of over 1,000 nights joking about rape to his patrons.  Tosh has been in hot water over one girl being offended at one night of his rape jokes, not knowing that Tosh was going for the record of most times causing people to laugh about rape.  The previous record holder was by Andrew Dice Clay.  People have been laughing for years about his career being raped.  The previous record is ongoing but as of today is at 2,317 days making people laugh about rape.

No telling if he will start again the ambitious trek that he had embarked upon for the past few years or whether he will be forced to retire the rape jokes.

Tyler Perry Seriously Considering Making a Good Movie


Tyler Perry released a statement earlier today stating that he is “seriously considering making a good movie one of these days.”

Tyler Perry, the creator of many box office hits including Madea’s Family Reunion, Madea’s Witness Protection, and Diary of a Mad Black Woman, is in the midst of a quarrelsome position.  He has been making terrible movies and television shows for years but has not cared about the poor quality stories and jokes because of the exorbinant amount of money flowing his way.

But the entertainment mogul has apparently had a change of heart as he “would like to make a movie where people enjoy it, both emotionally and intellectually,” stated Perry.  “None of my movies have hit either of those points for any human.  Including myself.”  Perry still left the statement vague as to whether he would definitely make his next few movies worthwhile or not as he stated “making really good movies is hard.  What I’ve been doing is easy.  I may keep doing the easy thing.  Not sure.  You think Casablanca was written while they were filming the movie?  Nope!”

Ice Cube Admitted to Insane Asylum After Reportedly Being Harassed by a Coors Light Can.


Just three hours ago, the famous rapper known as Ice Cube was admitted to a Detroit insane asylum known as “Friendly Hands” after he made repeated claims a Coors Light can had been harassing him.

For months, Ice Cube has taken part in commercials depicting a can of Coors Light becoming even cooler than Ice Cube himself.  But as time went on it seems that art has become reality.  “Ice began mentioning ‘that damn Coors can’ periodically,” stated long time friend Michael Sperkenberger.  “At first we all thought it was funny.  Thought it was some self depricating humor…you know… playfully laughing at himself.  We soon realized he was not joking.”

As time went on, Ice began showing tell tale signs of ‘crazy.’  He began punching Coors Light cans, playing with his own feces, and even so much as buying a Miller Lite in public.  No one in their right mind would ever do that.  Ice Cube began calling his friends in the middle of the night telling them he was “cornered” by the cans and could not get out.  “If you don’t help me, they will make me freeze to death.  They’re so cold,” is what he told many of his close friends and family.

Ice Cube will remain in treatment indefinitely until either Coors goes out of business or until his fear of losing his cool will subside.  Or maybe when the blue rockies turn back to a metallic color.

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