The Key to Fixing The Middle East To Be Decided Over Thanksgiving Dinner at the McClure’s in Manchester, New Hampshire

“What the United States needs to do…” was uttered, and so began the breakthrough ideas set to fix all problems in the Middle East this Thanksgiving at the McClure’s house in Manchester, New Hampshire.

The plan was not to fix a complicated multi-cultural, international dilemma that has seen numerous proposed solutions and countless failures and setbacks. The plan was to enjoy some turkey and hopefully avoid conversations about how much weight Chelsea had gained, despite her still unsolicited diet advice to everyone at the table. But this soon shifted as an awkward silence in conversation occurred at the very moment a news story broke about a downed Apache Helicopter in Afghanistan.

There it was, the weight of the world placed into these delicate hands of an unknown family in New England.  Papa Ken started it off.  “What the United States needs to do…” and before you knew it, everyone was chiming in.  When someone suggested something so stupid like god damn diplomacy, the newborn began to cry. She knew that was fucking stupid.

By the time pumpkin pie rolled around, the solution had been set.  But as the tryptophan began to kick in and most were lulling to sleep, the McClures decided to withhold the plan from “those terrorists” and if they wanted it, they could pry it from “their cold, dead hands.”

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!


Adding ‘Boobs, Tits, Sex, Penetration, Anal, Orgasm, Slut, Kittens, Miley Cyrus’ Only Way Local Blogger Can Get Any Views

Local blogger, Reid Thomas Haines, has found the only way he can get any hits on his blog is to add the most commonly searched for tags of “boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus.”

Reid Thomas Haines has been blogging for several years, spending hours each week on top of his full-time job delicately crafting a beautiful webpage that also has intelligent, thought provoking material about current events in politics, pop culture, and life in general.  “One of my most viewed posts was a discussion about whether or not countries are outdated and if the world should have one global government,” stated Reid.  “It received twelve hits.  It was awesome.”  But lately, Reid has been taking a different approach to finding an audience.  A more visceral one.

Reid has begun only discussing stories where he can say the words ‘boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus’ as many times as possible.  “When I started this tactic, all of the sudden I received fourteen thousand hits.  It was just ok.”  Reid has one of the top viewed blogs in the nation as of today only behind a gossiper drawing dicks on celebrities and a twelve year old girl taking pictures of her turtle in funny situations.  Reid is finally on his way to the top and we will be tracking  his progress closely.  Or more likely we will completely lose track of him until he loses popularity and hits rock bottom.

Senior Al Qaeda Leaders Now Down to Group of Bullies at Local Afghani School

Yolo. Specially for these guys.

A recently leaked CIA document stated that Al Qaeda is down to a “group of bullies at a local Afghani school.”

The war on terror has not been kind to those whom the American government deem to be terrorists.  One such organization is Al Qaeda.  This well known terrorist organization’s once full ranks have since been depleted by the United States military.  With the initial invasions into both Iraq and Afghanistan, along with continued fighting, drone kills (4,000 and counting), Al Qaeda is now officially down to a group of bullies at a local Afghani high school calling themselves Al Qaeda.

“We have a watchful eye on the group,” stated a CIA senior official named Al Harris who asked not to be named.  “We have drones circling the area.  All we need is for them to slip up by giving some kid a noogie, wedgie, or swirly and shit will storm down.  The skies will open up, and it will destroy them.”  Unnamed Al Harris senior CIA operative from Sacramento, Ca also stated off the record that the American public will not be made aware when the last Al Qaeda scum were wiped from this earth.  That it will just happen.

Time Warner Cable Feeds All of Africa Just to Impress Hot Chick

I mean…right?

In a startling turn of events, it has come to light that Time Warner Cable, the media giant, has fed all of Africa with their profits, but only did so in order to impress a hot chick named Sara O’Connell.

Time Warner Cable, worth an estimated bajillion dollars, donated three gajillion dollars to help feed the entire continent of Africa (including Egypt).  The nutritional packs were scattered all over the immense landscape.  In a rather strange turn of events, Jeffrey L Bewkes, Chairman and CEO, revealed in an interview that the entire company simply donated just to impress Sara O’Connell, a girl who works down the street from Time Warner headquarters as a hostess.  “She’s so pretty,” stated Henry Foster, a social media analyst at Time Warner.  “I’d donate my wife and kids if I thought it’d impress her.”

Sara O’Connell has been working down the street as a hostess at the local pub for several months now.  Time Warner Cable has not seemed to strike up enough courage to speak to her though.  “No of course I haven’t spoken to her,” said the media conglomerate.  “I mean, like, why would she want to talk?  Stop already it’s embarrassing!”  Despite Sara being an up and coming actress, Time Warner Cable has not even used its leverage to find her an acting gig.  “That would be wrong, she’d probably just use the connection and then be gone.  Gotta play this cooler.  Seem more upstanding.”  Feeding all of Africa seemed like the logical choice, but everyone in the United States saw right through that.

Many have been very outspoken as opponents to this.  “I think the food she be taken back,” said a random passerby.  “I mean it’s such a selfish reason, it’s like the Africans aren’t eating anyways.  It’s ok to call them Africans right?”  That is simply the opinion of one racist person.  But another woman on the street said she was starting a petition to have all of the food returned.  “Give it back.  Otherwise Time Warner will have this whole feeling of superiority.  We can’t let them have that.  Let them sit on their money.”  Time Warner has made no comment on whether or not they will ask for the food back until they are mature enough to give the food for selfless reasons.  But mainly because the entire company is staring out the window at Sara O’Connell.  Her shift just started.


*On a side note, millions of Africans are still hungry and Sara is apparently seeing the douche bartender at her pub.

Police Currently in the Process of Shooting Unarmed Man Until He is More Lead than Flesh

Just chillin’

For the past few hours, Baltimore police officers have been shooting a once fleeing assailant to the point that he will soon be more lead than flesh.

Nineteen year old Jeremy Kramer has come upon hard times. He could not afford to attend a four year university after high school like most of his friends, grew up in an abusive household, and fathered a child at the age of sixteen. Life has not been kind to him. In fact, for the past few months Jeremy Kramer has found himself on the streets, completely homeless. In an act of desperation, Jeremy took a plastic gun and attempted to rob a liquor store. After he had reportedly grabbed over elevevn dollars from the cash register and sprinted out, the cops were quickly called and the pursuit was on. It took the Baltimore PD all of fifteen minutes to catch up to the young hooligan. How did they do this you ask? With a hail of gunfire.

In fact, the perpetrator most likely passed away after the first bullet, most definitely by the first dozen. But the police were not satisfied with this. They decided to keep it going.  In fact they are in their seventh hour of shooting up the now VERY deceased assailant.  It is tough to say what parts of him are human any more and what parts are just lead replacements of his once recognizable features.  “We need to be sure,” stated Police Chief Jim Branten.  “He is still a threat.  Probably.  Whatever, I’m on my break.”

Rawful News will keep you posted as the story develops/whenever the bullets are done flying.

Pope Francis I Profile (formerly Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio)

His favorite movie prop in his collection? A cup from Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade (seen in front of him)

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was announced today as the new Pope of the Roman Catholic Church.  Being from Argentina, we here at Rawful News felt it important to highlight his profile to know a little more about the man.

Pope Francis I:

Nationality – ArgentinianAge – 76
Years serving the church – 53 years
Appointed by: John Paul II
Vertical leap – 59″
Max Bench Press – 345 lbs
Max Squat – 465 lbs
Favorite food – chocolate donuts
Favorite Actress – Angelina Jolie
Favorite Sports Team – Pittsburgh Steelers
Hobbies: Collecting movie props, praying, high-fiving, sleeping.
Favorite Dance Music: Skrillex

There you have it folks, the most important facets of the newly christened Pope of the Roman Catholic Church.  Now you know him.

Killing of American Sniper Shines Light on War’s Brutal Aftermath. And also Beginning and Middle. But Mainly Just the Aftermath.

The recent murder of the United States’ deadliest military sniper has many discussing the horrid aftermath that comes from war.  It even has some of those people discussing the fact that usually the lead in to war is awful and the actual war part itself is just as horrific.  But the aftermath is mainly the gruesome part.

Chris Kyle killed well over a hundred during his time serving as a Navy SEAL Sniper in Iraq.  In his autobiography he noted that he had “no remorse” for those he had taken from this earth.  But what is most gruesome about his time in war, is definitely not the whole war part.  It is him coming home.  That is pretty gruesome.  Many who have left the military behind them have to find jobs, which is extremely gruesome.  They also have to live a peaceful life, which is very gruesome.  Some are separated from people they served in the military with even though they became really good friends.  That is also extremely gruesome.  Since Chris Kyle’s murder, many have discussed how gruesome this part of war is and how to avoid it.

Some have suggested the military members staying in their ranks forever.  Others maintain that looking at what went on before their time in the military will help figure out why so many have difficulties re-entering the everyday life of a normal citizen.  Even the idea of the just not going to war and forcing young men to kill multiple nameless, faceless individuals was brought up at one point but then laughed off as a ridiculous idea.  One thing is for sure.  Something needs to be done.

Wayne LaPierre Says Gun Discussion Shouldn’t Happen Until Day Care Center Shooting Happens

“Oh yeah almost forgot, FUCK YOU.”

Critics were stunned today when NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated that he would not be ready to discuss more gun regulations until there was some sort of day care center shooting.

Millions of Americans have been calling for stricter gun control regulations in the aftermath of the Newtown, Connecticut shootings at an elementary school killing 20 children and 8 adults, one of the worst shootings in American history.  The NRA kept quiet for some time out of respect for those lost and affected by the terrible atrocities.  But lately, the fearless leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, has begun speaking out and voicing his opinion on the gun control matter.  “I believe that we are getting close to talking about gun control,” said LaPierre, “but we should probably wait until a day care shooting happens.  Those kids from Newtown were pretty young, but not THAT young.”

The part time lover but never time friend went on to discuss how children already have a chance to live and see some stuff, especially with the internet nowadays.  It is only babies that do not see anything, because light is just so bright to babies and they only see in colors and shapes.  “The next time there is a nursery shooting, give me a call.  Until then, happy shooting.”

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