Lately the Guy in the Office Who Ate Your Lunch Today Not Seeming like Such a Bad Guy

We stole this before we left.

Today, Jackie Koppel was supremely upset about her lunch being eaten once again by Gary Hatfield, until she scrolled through all of the recent, tragic news stories.  Now he does not seem like such a bad guy.

Jackie Koppel, a 34-year old data analyst at a small start up in New Haven, Connecticut packs her lunch every day for work.  “The benefits outweight the downsides,” stated Jackie.  “It is usually healthier if you make it yourself, and cheaper.  I also don’t have to worry about where to order food from during lunch time.  I can concentrate on work until the time I eat.”  But Gary Hatfield, a smug little fucker, has stolen at least one lunch of Jackie’s every week for the past month and a half.  “It has been the most infuriating thing.  Like, make your own food.  Or get a 5 dollar sub.  You can afford 5 dollars you cheap dick,” exclaimed Jackie.  But recently her tune has begun to change.

Jackie is reportedly not an avid news follower but recently she accidentally stumbled upon this fresh news source called See En En.  She begun scrolling through all of the terrible events from the past few months: Boston Marathon Bombing, Newtown shooting, Ohio kidnappings, etc.  “Jackie’s demeanor definitely changed towards me stealing her food.  Allegedly stealing,” said Gary, the little fucker that he is.  “She would go on rampages yelling ‘Who stole my food?!?!’  But now she just orders some food and reads the news.  Win one for Gary!”  Jackie reportedly does not see the point in yelling anymore because there are apparently much worse things going on.  Jackie left us in saying “Gary’s still a huge asshole.”


Local Man’s Most Recent DMV Experience Was Not So Bad

scoose me sur cahn ay help yu?

For years, Americans have complained about their DMV experiences.  But recently, a local man named Eric Ericson had an experience at the DMV that he claimed was “not so bad.”

The DMV is famous for bad experiences.  Local, state, and the federal government are aware of the problem.  Much like the employees of the DMV, they are indifferent.  Long waits, lost paperwork, unhelpful workers all lead to disastrous experiences.  But Eric Ericson had quite the opposite day.  His day was just ok.  “Yeah I mean like it wasn’t the GREATEST day I’ve ever had,” said Ericson.  “But it wasn’t really that bad.”

“Normally I hear about such awful experiences.  Everyone on Facebook just bitches and complains about their time there.  Nothing was as bad as they made it out to be.”  This was in fact Eric’s first time inside the DMV as he used to rely on his parents’ money and efforts, but now they are dead.  Eric only waited in line for seven minutes.  He then sat in his chair where he began to read from his kindle, as white people are known to do, but only finished three pages before his ticket had been called.  He turned in his vehicle registration form and in three minutes he had his tags ready.  Eric only spent twenty minutes inside of the DMV.

He soon took so social media, as so many do post-DMV.  His post on Facebook was “Just left DMV.  Why’s everyone so serious?”  A few got the Joker reference, but most thought it was too soon.  Shortly after, Eric stated, “I’d say that if I had to go back, I would.”

Local Teenage Girl Will Have a Good Day If She Wants To


Local teenage girl, Sarah Halford, reportedly will have a good day if she wants to.

This morning, Sarah Halford, sixteen years old, woke up just like any other day.  She got out of bed, took a shower, and then got back into bed for another thirty five minutes.  Soon enough her parents woke her up.  She spat at them, as teenagers are one to do.  Her parents brushed this off.  They’re used to the angst.  Sarah then arose to a beautiful breakfast.  Pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, oatmeal, all of the major food groups were covered.  Sarah drank coffee that was more cream than coffee and took three bites of a bagel before she threw it away.

Her parents awaited her departure for a bit of sanity.  “On her way out I told her to have a good day,” stated Sarah’s bitch mother.  “Sarah didn’t react the way we thought she would.”  Most people finding themselves in this situation would simply say ‘thanks, you too’ and then leave.  “I told them something they needed to hear,” said Sarah.  “I told them that I will have a good day if I want to.  I mean, like, who do they think they are?  They can’t tell me how to live my life.  If I want to have a bad day, I’ll have a bad day.  It’s called freedom.  Look it up.”

Reportedly, Sarah did end up having a good day.  She saw three people fall during the day and was able to copy her homework off of a friend for AP Physics class.

Local Woman Preparing Early to Complain About April Taxes.

Local woman Ali Hamper has been extremely well prepared this year to complain about taxes and their April 15th deadline.

Tax season is somewhat upon us, but as most know, millions of Americans will wait until the last moments to file their taxes.  But local Ohio resident Ali Hamper has taken it upon herself to begin complaining about taxes much earlier this year.  Much of the nation has yet to begin filing complaints with the Internal Revenue Service.  “I usually wait until April 14th,” stated Ali.  “This year I made a New Year’s resolution to complain about things before they become a problem.  And I’m holding true to my word.”

Waiting until the last second to complain about taxes can cause headaches, upset stomaches, and being audittuded by the IRS.  “Not this year.  It’s a new me.  I can complain about things on my own time now.  It’s quite relaxing.”

After Discovering the Internet, Little Joey Sanford Entered and Exited Puberty.

georgeJoey Sanford, aged 11, was but a simple young lad last week.  He enjoyed playing sports with friends, video games, watching movies, even laughing at his own farts.  He was a true adolescent male.  But then something happened.  He discovered the internet.

Yes, earlier today Joey discovered the internet.  His parents had kept it a secret from him so as to avoid all of the dangers that comes with being a young child on the internet: perverts, pornography, and kitten videos.  All dangerous when put in the wrong hands.  But one cold day, Joey’s only friend Gabe told Joey to send him an email.  When Joey replied with “what’s an email,” Gabe took it upon himself to give Joey some alone time with his laptop computer.  Joey first entered Mozilla Firefox at 8:58 am, closed it at 3:42 pm, and reportedly finished puberty at the very same time.  He grew a foot and a half, gained 50 lbs of pure muscle and found himself with a deep voice.

It is unclear at this point which sites he visited.  “Honestly I think it’d be easier to show what sites he didn’t visit,” said Joey’s friend Gabe.  “My search history was incredibly dense.  Couldn’t even tell you.”  Joey is officially a man now, fully capable of growing a beard within minutes, bench pressing 400 lbs and has killed animals with his bare hands.  In a cool way, not like a psycho way.

Satirists Have all Killed Themselves Attempting to Make Connecticut School Shooting Funny

connecticut shootingSatirists have come out of the woodwork in the past few years, on the internet, on television, and in movies.  They make light of terrible situations or point out odd behavior no one else notices.  They create semi-realistic situations based off of the real world as a form of commentary on said situations.  But today, satirists have officially grown stumped as to how they could make light of the Connecticut school shooting that took place today December 14th 2012.  Opinionated Democrat, Andy Borowitz, and every single writer (and even some accountants) for The Onion, have all committed suicide.  There is no way to make light of this situation.  Not possible.

White Girl in Africa Wishes Everyone Would Stop Asking to Feel Her Hair

Her hair used to be blonde.

Amanda Hart, aged 24, has been living in Africa for three years now helping build schools and would really just like everyone to stop asking if they can touch her hair.

Amanda left the United States in search of a greater cause than herself.  Wide-eyed she entered the sub-saharan plains of Africa looking to build schools, teach, and purify water sources.  Since her departure in 2011, she has done just that.  Three schools have been built, two for children and one adult school.  Clean water now reaches thousands more.  And the town has slowly come out of poverty and unhappiness.  But one thing has been bugging Amanda ever since she started.  People will not stop asking to feel her hair.

“I mean, I love everyone here,” said Hart.  “But come on, is my hair really THAT weird?  It’s just hair.  It’s like they’ve never seen a white person before.”  She reportedly has at least three hundred and twelve hands touch her hair daily.  That comes out to over a hundred and fifty people according to math.  “Can you believe how smooth her hair is?” asked one student.  “I mean all of our hair is one way.  Her hair is different.  I’m going to see if I can touch it again.”  Countless germs are spread from hands to other hosts so the risk of catching something increases every time someone touches her hair.  “It has become a cesspool of hand sweat and I’m sure other stuff I don’t want to think about.”  Amanda has no plans to leave Africa so that people will stop touching her hair, but who knows when her breaking point will be?  Probably three weeks.

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Upset Woman Commenting on Satire Site Still Makes a Good Point

A very upset woman recently commented on a satire news website claiming that “she can’t believe this could happen in a world,” and that “she is outraged beyond belief.”  Though other comments have stated that even though she is getting mad at a fake story, she still has a good point.

On November 30, 2012 at exactly 9:54 pm, Betsy Brucks commented on a post entitled “David Hasselhoff Leading Revolution in Germany.”  The post had received numerous comments including “lawl” by PittyKitty33, “damn man hasselhoff got doze nutz” by Fly Guy, and “Heil Hitler” from Notonmeganslaw69.  But one stood out amongst the usuals.  Betsy Brucks, code named BetsyBrucks, commented saying “I can’t believe this is happening!  People need to stop worshipping celebrities.  I mean come on!  Who cares what David Hasselhoff has done in the past present or future.  Right?  We should have a revolution against him!  Who’s with me!”  Despite the fact that Betsy clearly did not get the attempt at a joke, she still maintains that she made an excellent point.

“I mean I guess I get it NOW,” stated Betsy.  “But that is really besides the point!  People love celebrities because of their faces and their hair people and their tv appearances.  They should love math and science like India and Japan do.  Let me tell you something else…”  At this point Rawful News reporters vacated the premises because they knew it would be endless tormenting of vague droll.  To this day, Betsy maintains that she was not foolish for seriously commenting on a satire site as people have “something to learn from her.”

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