iFARTID: Ramblings of an Old Man

Dentures. Old men wear them. Get it?

Whoever invented commas anyways? Reading words is enough of a pain in the ass. I want to know who decided to put lines in the middle of a sentence and said “This is when to pause.” Well I’m not going to pause buddy! I want to get this whole “reading” thing done as quickly as possible so I can resume my Judge Mathis episode. Those people on that show sure are crazy. But that’s discussion for another time.

Some “intellectuals” claim that commas are useful for separating lists of items or preventing run on sentences. I’d like to refute that disputable fact. Watch me list some of my favorite things to complain about: Peanut butter black socks wooden docks boats shoelaces skaters French horns. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS!?

So the next time an asshole grammatical expert tries to correct my complaint letter Imma have to choke a bitch. Hey is there a male version of the word bitch or can that only be in reference to a female? Food for thought for the week…

*Please take note that there is not a SINGLE comma in this entire article…shows how useless they actually are.


iFARTID: The Ramblings of an old man. Part 1

iFARTID: Intelligent Facts And Real Truthisms InDeed

Whoever thought margarine was a good idea should go to hell. I don’t know one person who has ever said “You know what this French bread needs? Margarine.” It’s like food manufacturers wanted to trick consumers into thinking margarine is healthy with the argument that “well, it’s not butter.” Well fuck you margarine makers! I know what you’re up to in your chemical labs and trans fat free zones with test tubes full of bubbly liquids and extremely attractive lab assistants that do it in sterile environments…I STILL WATCH PORN Y’KNOW!

But it isn’t the fact that margarine merely exists that bothers me (yes it is). It is as if Mr. Margarine* came upon Mr. Butter** one day and said “Hey guess what? You’re fat. I’m gonna pretend to be better and then nobody will eat you.” And the rest is history. For decades people have been pretending that margarine is sooo good and that butter is just the worst thing ever, but you know what? It’s not. You know it and I know it.  Stop lying to your fat ass and high cholesterol. It’s gross, and you’d be a much better person if you just ate butter.

So the next time you see margarine sitting next to butter at the grocery store, just give it a knowing glare. He’ll know exactly what he did.

*Margarine is not necessarily a ‘He.’ Nobody knows what it’s actually made of making sexual identification difficult if not impossible.

**Butter is almost positively a ‘He’…for obvious reasons.

TSA Deems Former Secretary Of State Henry Kissinger Nearly As Threatening As A Baby

Yesterday, the 88-year old and wheelchair-bound former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was subjected to a pat-down by Transportation Security Administration agents while boarding a flight at LaGuardia airport in New York.  Mr. Kissinger was forced to rise from the wheelchair, remove the jacket and flash his suspenders to other passengers while undergoing a pat-down.

In a statement to a Rawful News correspondent, the TSA spokesman Sterling Payne had explained the logic behind the actions of the TSA:  “The number one priority for the TSA is ensuring that our agents do not racially profile any group.  Therefore, for each male Middle Eastern-looking passenger subjected to our pat-down, in a spirit of fairness our agents will force a baby, a grandma, or a former politician in a wheelchair to submit to a search as well.  And of course we absolutely realize that grandmas, babies, and Secretaries of State pose very little danger, and that’s why our agents would tend to single them out for the pat-downs.  After all, you never know what these Middle Eastern types may have on them, and safety of our agents is our priority number two.  Although some may say that an 88-year old man in a wheelchair does not pose a security risk, but that’s what they say about the babies too.”  Mr. Payne had declined to explain the specific dangers presented by babies and people in wheelchairs, citing security concerns, but had explained that a string of recent high-profile pat-downs given to undoubtedly harmless passengers fits neatly with the TSA’s third priority, which is raising the awareness of the TSA’s hard work.
“Our number four priority is to prevent all big bottles of liquid from being smuggled onto the flights”, added the TSA  spokesman.  “Unless you pour that liquid into a several smaller bottles, and then that would make it Ok.”  When our correspondent had asked the spokesman how high the safety of the passengers ranks on the TSA’s list of priorities, Mr. Payne had answered that “it might be in the manual somewhere” and promised to get back to us.
As an additional embarrassment for the TSA, none of the TSA agents had recognized the former Secretary of State, who was also the winner of the 1973 Nobel Peace prize.  “It is somewhat awkward for the TSA not to recognize such a distinguished statesman, especially in the light of the Administration’s standard policy aimed to identify our influential and famous passengers and provide a special treatment to them.  Of course, such prominent newsmakers as Megan Fox or Kim Kardashian would not be subjected to a pat-down but would be asked to pass through a body scanner supervised by dozens of agents.”
When asked whether the TSA agents would at least recognize the sitting US President Barack Obama, Mr. Payne had assured the Rawful News that the agents most likely will.  “He’s some black guy, right?”
*This is a Guest Post by List of X.  Very funny work.  Check out their site:

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