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Man Unsure if Noise Was Fart


At approximately 4:58pm PST, Charlie McKinny heard a noise that he was pretty sure was a fart, but could of been something else.

Farts can sound like a lot of things.  And a lot of things, if not paying close attention, can sound like farts.  A sock against a wooden coffee table, a creaky chair, a slow moving zipper.  All have been mistaken for farts in the past by millions of Americans.  And today is no different.

“My office is a pretty quiet one most days,” stated the 32-year old professional, “so every noise sticks out.  Today I heard a noise and at first, could’ve sworn it was a fart.  But when no one else reacted, I thought ‘maybe I mistook a normal noise for a fart.'”

Charlie is currently sniffing in the general direction the noise came from. Just to be 100% sure.

Sniff it while it's fresh.

Sniff it while it’s fresh.

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Americans Still Giving So Many Fucks About the Obama Administration’s Recent Scandals


The Obama Administration has had more than its fair share of scandals in recent months.  A recent poll is showing that the American public gives so many fucks about the scandals that it’s insane.

The NSA wiretapping scandal, the release of records stating over 3,000 people were killed by drone strikes last year, the IRS targeting of Obama’s denouncers, the ATF “Fast and Furious” scheme, amongst numerous other stories, have only increased the amount of fucks Americans are giving about their President.  “Every time I hear of a new scandal, I give, like, double the fucks than normal,” stated Preschool Teacher, Aaron Klatt.  “Sometimes it feels like I can’t give any more fucks, but somehow I always find more fucks to give.”

A recent poll done by somebody somewhere stated that people give, on average, twenty-seven thousand fucks per year, but that number is only rising.  “People don’t forget these scandals immediately, Mr. Hussein Obama!” stated French Press connoisseur Jacque Blackman.  “Every day I give fucks, and every day Obama learns that Americans won’t take this lightly, and won’t forget these things probably a day or two after it happens.  No sir.”

Still no word on how many shits were not given during Obama’s second term.

 

Third Grade Teacher Now at the 137-Minute Mark of Waiting for Students to Be Quiet


BREAKING NEWS: Mrs. Latrine is now on her 137th minute of silence while she waits for her students to realize what she is doing, shush each other, and quiet down.

Today, a beautifully sunny day in Newhall, California, began with the normal regiment for Newhall Elementary’s 3rd grade class, led by Mrs. Latrine.  Latrina, a tenured employee of Newhall Elementary School, is a veteran and knows every trick in the book to maintain order in her classroom.  Bribes, point system, red cards, (at one point ruler spanking because yes she is that old), and even the silent treatment.  All effective tools in a teachers back pocket.  But today was no ordinary day.  “Instead of their regular snacks, the school decided to try out these ‘fruit’ snacks that are basically compressed sugar,” stated Mrs. Latrine.  “These things could kill a horse.”

The kids were noticeably unhinged after the snacks.  But mathematics was coming up.  Mrs. Latrine figured the kids would “finally have enough energy to stay awake during math,” but their energy levels far exceeded her expectations.  She asked for quiet.  There was none.  She raised both her hands.  It did not work.  She decided to finally bust out the big guns.  She stopped what she was doing and stared silently off at the children until they decided to softly shush each other.  So far, this has been going on for a little over two hours.  Reportedly she refuses to let her children go home until they are quiet.  “At this point, I don’t even care if they learn the fucking math.  It’s the principle of the thing.  I need to win.  I need this.”

We will continue to keep you updated as the story develops.

Joseph Liebermann Mistaken for Dead ‘Different Strokes’ Dad


Joseph Liebermann being sworn into Congress.

In a stunning turn of events, a napping Joseph Liebermann was mistaken for the recently deceased dad from the ’80’s sitcom Different Strokes, Conrad Bain.

Joseph Liebermann was reportedly sleepy from another five hour day in Congress.  He was so sleepy that he decided to sit down on a park bench on the way back to his office.  But in that time, the long-time politician let his guard down for the first time since he was elected to congress.  He fell asleep on that park bench.  Washington D.C. is no stranger to people sleeping on benches.  But not usually United States Congressman.  His nap became so serene that passersby began to worry.  There did not seem to be movement.  Everyone claimed to “sort of” recognize who he was, but “not really.”

“I mean he’s an old white guy,” stated 37 year-old accountant Jerry Coleman.  “They all look the same to me.  Oops, is that racist?”  It was not until someone blurted out “isn’t that the dad from Different Strokes, and isn’t he dead?” that people came to the agreement that a Weekend at Bernie’s situation had occurred and he must be returned to his place of rest.  The crowd then picked him up and carried him more than fifteen miles to the nearest airport.  From there they bought him a ticket and brought him to Albert, Canada where the real Conrad Bain is buried.

It was not until they arrived at the graveyard holding Joseph Liebermann that he began to stir awake.  “I was so scared,” proclaimed Ingrid Yu.  “We were all sure he must be a zombie.  So we tried to kill him.  But as we held a metal stake to his heart, we saw his identification.  Classic mix up!”  Joseph Liebermann is back, safe in the apple orchards he has been noted to cry about on the floors of Congress.

Man Blames Obama for Killing his Poop Sculptures Store


Here’s lookin’ at you kid.

Recently, a small business named “Scoop of Sculpt,” just shut its doors for good as it officially filed for bankruptcy. Its founder, Arthur Ahorta, complained to the local media that the cause of his ‘surprisingly profitable companies” bankruptcy being the Obama administration.

A year ago this coming Wednesday, Arthur cut the proverbial ribbon on his front doors and became what millions of Americans wish to be, a small business owner. It was a dream of being his own boss while still providing a valuable service to the public. This service involves sculpting pieces of feces into works of art.

“Initial business was great,” stated Arthur. “People came from all over to browse and buy my poop sculptures, the sculptures made of poop.” But soon after, business began to dwindle. Arthur blames this on the inevitable demise of all small businesses because of the Obama administration. He believes nobody shops at small businesses anymore because of that time “President” Obama (he put up the quotations, not us) stated that Americans should avoid small businesses at all costs. We are still searching for that quote.

“It’s obviously not my foolproof business plan, or the quality of which I sculpt the poop because that is impeccable.  It has to be Obama.”  Arthur has no plans to start another small business but says he has considered moving to Iran because he can experience more economic freedom there.

CNN Plans on Catching the Next Big Hoax


Being not real is KINDA like being dead.

Yesterday, Deadspin.com uncovered a story that is still unfolding, a hoax involving Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o and an apparently imaginary girlfriend.  CNN went on record promising that they’ll “get the next one.”

Recently, CNN has ended their investigative journalism sector, one of the staples of any news station.  The profitability is no longer there when a “news” organization can rely on viewers to upload content and comment on the larger, already well known events of the day.  This led to a semi-reputable source, Deadspin, uncovering this incredible hoax of a girlfriend instead of the companies that consider themselves news organizations.  CNN has released a statement addressing this complete miss.

“CNN is cutting edge in terms of news,” stated CNN CEO.  “We always strive to give the best, most informed news and be first on the scene.  That does not always happen, but we will definitely get the next one. Promise.”  CNN has no plans on bringing back their investigative department which will make it much more difficult to accomplish, but if they do not, there will always be great coverage of a murder that happened somewhere to someone.

Santa Being a Real Sourpuss About Not Getting Cookies and Milk From the MacDonald Family


Angry-Santa-Claus-in-fron-007Last night, Santa Claus had his most important night of the year: the night where he gives gifts to all Christian children of the world in one night, so that when they wake up, they realize their goodness had paid off.  And all he ever asks for in return is some milk and cookies.  Apparently the MacDonald family of Nashville, Tennessee forgot the age old tradition of putting out milk and cookies before bed time.

“It had been a hectic couple of days for us,” stated familial patriarch Jerry MacDonald.  “My mom went to the hospital, some of our gifts arrived here from Amazon at the last second, and our turkey had spoiled.  It must have just slipped our minds.”  Or so he says.  But apparently Santa does not see it that way.  “I work all year round to reward your children.  And do I ask for reimbursement, hugs, kisses, a night with your wife?  NO!  All I ask for is milk and cookies!  You fucking douchebag!”

As we spoke with the jolly ol’ man his cheeks became rosier and rosier.  But not because of Christmas spirit.  It was because of anger.  “They probably think I’m fat and I should be happy with the cookies I was given by every OTHER house on the block.  Well fuck you MacDonalds.  I will never visit your house again.”  Santa has vowed to never return to the house stating that a milk and cookie toll is the ‘easiest fucking thing in the world to do,’ and that ‘making sure animals without wings can fly is not.’

Republicans Ask For Ronald Reagan’s Impeachment Because He is No Ronald Reagan


In a stunning turn of events, the GOP has asked that Ronald Reagan be formally impeached, because he is definitely no Ronald Reagan.

Republicans have begun a new trend in Congress ever since President Barack Obama won a second term.  Because they know their talk of impeachment will no longer stir up the base.  So they have moved on to impeaching past presidents.  Bill Clinton has already been impeached a second time.  George H.W. has somewhat slipped under the radar as nobody cares about him.  And they landed on a president who raised taxes, who called for peace, and planned on cutting the amount of nuclear weapons in the United States’ stockpile by one third.  That man was Ronald Reagan.

The Republicans, stuck between a rock and a hard place, have chosen their strict morals over their fearless hero.  The application to impeach President Ronald Reagan was submitted this afternoon at 4:58 pm, eastern time.  They did so before the strike of 5pm just to make sure they all got out on time.  The Rawful News staff is dedicated to bringing you up to the minute coverage on this shocking and unnecessary development.

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