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Happy 64th Birthday Hillary Clinton!


She did not have sex.

No wonder she looks like this.

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Happy 65th birthday President Bill Clinton!


Oh Billy Boy.

Bill Clinton, the former President of the United States of America, had his 65th birthday on August the 19th.  The big six-five is not typically a birthday heralded as a memorable one.  Sure it is divisible by five, which is always important, but it is in the middle of a random point of being “that old guy” and “that pretty damn old guy.”  But that didn’t stop Bill from throwing a shindig that people will not remember either because of the alcohol or because of the Alzheimer’s.  Either way it’ll be blamed on something starting with ‘al.’  Maybe Al-Qaeda.  Whatever.

So the night began as most parties do, at a random friend’s house pre-partying and trying to convince one person to be the designated driver.  Everyone was trying to tell Hillary Rodham to do it because, sources say, she can be quite the ‘heinous bitch’ when she’s drunk.  Maybe it’s because she thinks it is funny to dick tap people as they’re taking shots.  Whatever the reason this went on for a long time while everyone proceeded to drink.  Drunkards.

So they decided to call up Al Gore to drive despite the fact he was not invited to the party.  Being that Al Gore is a nice guy and they told him that carpooling in his Prius would help save the environment.  Well Alice, as Bill calls him, showed up in due time.  Bill and six other women jammed into that Prius.  During this time in the car, 19 sexual advances were made by the former President, 18 of them successful.  Al claimed that Bill promised to pay for the cleaning but has yet to see that promise fulfilled.

So they finally arrive at the club named “Taqqawata” which is pretty difficult to pronounce while sober but impossible when drunk.  So Bill continued to ask every female he saw if they “Taqqa wanna touch lil’ Bill.”  By the end of the night, after many bottles of Hennessey lay in his wake, he progressively found his way to the pick up line “It’s my Executive order to tap that ass.”  Hillary in the mean time was in a back alley peeing and then passing out in said pee.

After the club closed, Bill went in search of a “burrito to end all burritos.”  His followers believed this was some secret hot spot for a burrito that had somehow been kept a secret.  Until finally Bill led them to an alley, turned around abruptly with his fly open and yelled “BURRITO TO END ALL BURRITOS!”  That very moment the police rolled up, shown a light on his exposed genitals and the Clinton party spent the rest of the night running from the police.  And who knew that he was such a good free runner.  Bill claims he has no recollection of the events which we here at Rawful News did not at the time believe because he was winking the whole time.  Turned out he was having a stroke.  Our bad.

Happy Birthday President Barack Obama!


Blow out the candles!

Wow, can you believe it?  It feels like just yesterday our little President was just 49 years of age. Crazy.  Despite the median age for American men being 82 years old, the milestone of 50 feels as if it is directly the middle point of most people’s lives.  It is definitely the middle of his first term, and if the Republicans get their way, the middle of his entire Presidential career.  But for today, he can rest assured that August 4th is his day.  Or so he thought.

It seems that President Obama’s birthday has not been a success.  In fact, he spent most of it in his bedroom, reportedly crying like a little baby.  He was crying so heavily, that even John Boehner would be ashamed.  And that guy cries at everything.  Considering the current political climate and the amount of stress he must be under, as any American President feels at one time or another it is at the very least understandable the emotions coursing through his veins.  But the tears were not caused by anything from the political realm.  It was solely because of his birthday.
Apparently, President Obama had sent out a list of items he wanted for his birthday.  He had brought them up intermittently at press conferences, congressional hearings, in executive orders, and even during the appointment of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.   But for one reason or another, not one of those items was given to him.  It could be because everyone believed someone else would get him those items.  It could be because people forgot and waited until the last minute to buy presents.  Or it could be because they simply did not like President Obama and wanted to ruin his birthday because they were jealous.  All of these are plausible reasons.  But for whatever reason he still did not receive the Armani suit, the Prada handbag, or the last Beanie Baby Doll which would make his collection complete.
He quickly ripped open his presents, revealing firetrucks, a couple gag gifts like a roll of toilet paper and a piece of coal (at least we think they were gag gifts), and even a check from his grandma for $17.00.  She said it was less this year because she’s afraid her Social Security check will bounce.  But that’s neither here nor there.  When the final gift was opened, he still searched up and down, high and low, for his “other” presents.  Although there were no more presents.  He began searching frantically underneath tables and at one point he even ripped open Michelle Bachmann’s handbag as if she had kept them from him.  Just kidding.  She wasn’t invited.
After this, the President rushed to his room shouting off bitter nothings like “I wish I’d never been born!” and “I bet the Republicans get everything THEY want for THEIR birthdays!”  Quite childish indeed.  But it is his party.  And he legally can cry if he really wants to.  Nevertheless, we at Rawful News, want to wish President Barack Obama a very happy and healthy 50th Birthday!  May all your wishes come true.  Some day.

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