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NCAA Claiming Outreach to Those Driven Crazy By March Madness More Important Than T-shirt Gun Control


This is an over the counter, same-day t-shirt gun.

The NCAA is making headlines today, not with actual playing of sports, but with their controversial stances on tshirt gun control.  An NCAA Spokesperson stated today that “Tshirt gun control is not a problem.  We need better outreach to those suffering from March Madness.  That is it.”

March has become a month driven by insanity.  The insanity causes people to bet money on teams they have never heard of before, drink copious amounts of alcohol, experience short, explosive bursts of depression, and of course the use of t-shirt guns.  Many of those afflicted take to firing of t-shirt guns as an outlet for their anger or unrecognized feelings.  Sometimes people just want to see something destroyed.  By the crowd ripping it into pieces while fighting over the free shirt.  Injuries have plagued the “mad” crowds because of these t-shirt guns.

“They don’t even do any research to find out who will be shooting into the crowd,” stated recently injured San Diego State sophomore Alexia Ramirez.  “This black eye will forever change my life.  The pictures are already on Facebook.”  In fact, the NCAA has not done a single background check on those doing the firing.  And that is because the NCAA maintains that it is more important for colleges to have better outreach to those afflicted by March Madness than it is to ban t-shirt guns.  “T-shirt guns are a way of life,” said an NCAA spokesperson.  “They are as American as sports themselves.  Getting rid of them, or making sure they are used safely is only saying that you hope every sport ends and obesity takes over.  Is that what you want?  AN INCREASINGLY SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE?!  I’m sorry I yelled.”

American universities and the NCAA has been at odds for years, neither one willing to negotiate with the other.  For now, t-shirt guns are here to stay.

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Time Warner Cable Feeds All of Africa Just to Impress Hot Chick


I mean…right?

In a startling turn of events, it has come to light that Time Warner Cable, the media giant, has fed all of Africa with their profits, but only did so in order to impress a hot chick named Sara O’Connell.

Time Warner Cable, worth an estimated bajillion dollars, donated three gajillion dollars to help feed the entire continent of Africa (including Egypt).  The nutritional packs were scattered all over the immense landscape.  In a rather strange turn of events, Jeffrey L Bewkes, Chairman and CEO, revealed in an interview that the entire company simply donated just to impress Sara O’Connell, a girl who works down the street from Time Warner headquarters as a hostess.  “She’s so pretty,” stated Henry Foster, a social media analyst at Time Warner.  “I’d donate my wife and kids if I thought it’d impress her.”

Sara O’Connell has been working down the street as a hostess at the local pub for several months now.  Time Warner Cable has not seemed to strike up enough courage to speak to her though.  “No of course I haven’t spoken to her,” said the media conglomerate.  “I mean, like, why would she want to talk?  Stop already it’s embarrassing!”  Despite Sara being an up and coming actress, Time Warner Cable has not even used its leverage to find her an acting gig.  “That would be wrong, she’d probably just use the connection and then be gone.  Gotta play this cooler.  Seem more upstanding.”  Feeding all of Africa seemed like the logical choice, but everyone in the United States saw right through that.

Many have been very outspoken as opponents to this.  “I think the food she be taken back,” said a random passerby.  “I mean it’s such a selfish reason, it’s like the Africans aren’t eating anyways.  It’s ok to call them Africans right?”  That is simply the opinion of one racist person.  But another woman on the street said she was starting a petition to have all of the food returned.  “Give it back.  Otherwise Time Warner will have this whole feeling of superiority.  We can’t let them have that.  Let them sit on their money.”  Time Warner has made no comment on whether or not they will ask for the food back until they are mature enough to give the food for selfless reasons.  But mainly because the entire company is staring out the window at Sara O’Connell.  Her shift just started.

 

*On a side note, millions of Africans are still hungry and Sara is apparently seeing the douche bartender at her pub.

Police Currently in the Process of Shooting Unarmed Man Until He is More Lead than Flesh


Just chillin’

For the past few hours, Baltimore police officers have been shooting a once fleeing assailant to the point that he will soon be more lead than flesh.

Nineteen year old Jeremy Kramer has come upon hard times. He could not afford to attend a four year university after high school like most of his friends, grew up in an abusive household, and fathered a child at the age of sixteen. Life has not been kind to him. In fact, for the past few months Jeremy Kramer has found himself on the streets, completely homeless. In an act of desperation, Jeremy took a plastic gun and attempted to rob a liquor store. After he had reportedly grabbed over elevevn dollars from the cash register and sprinted out, the cops were quickly called and the pursuit was on. It took the Baltimore PD all of fifteen minutes to catch up to the young hooligan. How did they do this you ask? With a hail of gunfire.

In fact, the perpetrator most likely passed away after the first bullet, most definitely by the first dozen. But the police were not satisfied with this. They decided to keep it going.  In fact they are in their seventh hour of shooting up the now VERY deceased assailant.  It is tough to say what parts of him are human any more and what parts are just lead replacements of his once recognizable features.  “We need to be sure,” stated Police Chief Jim Branten.  “He is still a threat.  Probably.  Whatever, I’m on my break.”

Rawful News will keep you posted as the story develops/whenever the bullets are done flying.

Pope Francis I Profile (formerly Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio)


His favorite movie prop in his collection? A cup from Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade (seen in front of him)

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was announced today as the new Pope of the Roman Catholic Church.  Being from Argentina, we here at Rawful News felt it important to highlight his profile to know a little more about the man.

Pope Francis I:

Nationality – ArgentinianAge – 76
Years serving the church – 53 years
Appointed by: John Paul II
Vertical leap – 59″
Max Bench Press – 345 lbs
Max Squat – 465 lbs
Favorite food – chocolate donuts
Favorite Actress – Angelina Jolie
Favorite Sports Team – Pittsburgh Steelers
Hobbies: Collecting movie props, praying, high-fiving, sleeping.
Favorite Dance Music: Skrillex

There you have it folks, the most important facets of the newly christened Pope of the Roman Catholic Church.  Now you know him.

Local Teenage Girl Will Have a Good Day If She Wants To


Ugh…….

Local teenage girl, Sarah Halford, reportedly will have a good day if she wants to.

This morning, Sarah Halford, sixteen years old, woke up just like any other day.  She got out of bed, took a shower, and then got back into bed for another thirty five minutes.  Soon enough her parents woke her up.  She spat at them, as teenagers are one to do.  Her parents brushed this off.  They’re used to the angst.  Sarah then arose to a beautiful breakfast.  Pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, oatmeal, all of the major food groups were covered.  Sarah drank coffee that was more cream than coffee and took three bites of a bagel before she threw it away.

Her parents awaited her departure for a bit of sanity.  “On her way out I told her to have a good day,” stated Sarah’s bitch mother.  “Sarah didn’t react the way we thought she would.”  Most people finding themselves in this situation would simply say ‘thanks, you too’ and then leave.  “I told them something they needed to hear,” said Sarah.  “I told them that I will have a good day if I want to.  I mean, like, who do they think they are?  They can’t tell me how to live my life.  If I want to have a bad day, I’ll have a bad day.  It’s called freedom.  Look it up.”

Reportedly, Sarah did end up having a good day.  She saw three people fall during the day and was able to copy her homework off of a friend for AP Physics class.

Joseph Liebermann Mistaken for Dead ‘Different Strokes’ Dad


Joseph Liebermann being sworn into Congress.

In a stunning turn of events, a napping Joseph Liebermann was mistaken for the recently deceased dad from the ’80’s sitcom Different Strokes, Conrad Bain.

Joseph Liebermann was reportedly sleepy from another five hour day in Congress.  He was so sleepy that he decided to sit down on a park bench on the way back to his office.  But in that time, the long-time politician let his guard down for the first time since he was elected to congress.  He fell asleep on that park bench.  Washington D.C. is no stranger to people sleeping on benches.  But not usually United States Congressman.  His nap became so serene that passersby began to worry.  There did not seem to be movement.  Everyone claimed to “sort of” recognize who he was, but “not really.”

“I mean he’s an old white guy,” stated 37 year-old accountant Jerry Coleman.  “They all look the same to me.  Oops, is that racist?”  It was not until someone blurted out “isn’t that the dad from Different Strokes, and isn’t he dead?” that people came to the agreement that a Weekend at Bernie’s situation had occurred and he must be returned to his place of rest.  The crowd then picked him up and carried him more than fifteen miles to the nearest airport.  From there they bought him a ticket and brought him to Albert, Canada where the real Conrad Bain is buried.

It was not until they arrived at the graveyard holding Joseph Liebermann that he began to stir awake.  “I was so scared,” proclaimed Ingrid Yu.  “We were all sure he must be a zombie.  So we tried to kill him.  But as we held a metal stake to his heart, we saw his identification.  Classic mix up!”  Joseph Liebermann is back, safe in the apple orchards he has been noted to cry about on the floors of Congress.

Local Woman Preparing Early to Complain About April Taxes.


Local woman Ali Hamper has been extremely well prepared this year to complain about taxes and their April 15th deadline.

Tax season is somewhat upon us, but as most know, millions of Americans will wait until the last moments to file their taxes.  But local Ohio resident Ali Hamper has taken it upon herself to begin complaining about taxes much earlier this year.  Much of the nation has yet to begin filing complaints with the Internal Revenue Service.  “I usually wait until April 14th,” stated Ali.  “This year I made a New Year’s resolution to complain about things before they become a problem.  And I’m holding true to my word.”

Waiting until the last second to complain about taxes can cause headaches, upset stomaches, and being audittuded by the IRS.  “Not this year.  It’s a new me.  I can complain about things on my own time now.  It’s quite relaxing.”

Man Blames Obama for Killing his Poop Sculptures Store


Here’s lookin’ at you kid.

Recently, a small business named “Scoop of Sculpt,” just shut its doors for good as it officially filed for bankruptcy. Its founder, Arthur Ahorta, complained to the local media that the cause of his ‘surprisingly profitable companies” bankruptcy being the Obama administration.

A year ago this coming Wednesday, Arthur cut the proverbial ribbon on his front doors and became what millions of Americans wish to be, a small business owner. It was a dream of being his own boss while still providing a valuable service to the public. This service involves sculpting pieces of feces into works of art.

“Initial business was great,” stated Arthur. “People came from all over to browse and buy my poop sculptures, the sculptures made of poop.” But soon after, business began to dwindle. Arthur blames this on the inevitable demise of all small businesses because of the Obama administration. He believes nobody shops at small businesses anymore because of that time “President” Obama (he put up the quotations, not us) stated that Americans should avoid small businesses at all costs. We are still searching for that quote.

“It’s obviously not my foolproof business plan, or the quality of which I sculpt the poop because that is impeccable.  It has to be Obama.”  Arthur has no plans to start another small business but says he has considered moving to Iran because he can experience more economic freedom there.

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