JJ Abrams to Direct Everything that Ever Was or Will Be

May the force live long and prosper.

Just on the heels of Disney’s announcement, declaring JJ Abrams to be the next director of Star Wars’ reboot, all major studios have come in to agreement that JJ should direct every movie from now on and be given credit for any movie that has already been made.

JJ Abrams and his production company, Bad Robot, have been extremely successful in recent years releasing numerous blockbusters including Mission Impossible, Cloverfield, Super 8, and most recently the reboot of the ever popular Star Trek franchise.  Disney has since offered JJ the director’s job on the new Star Wars film.  Since then, several high profile meetings involving heads of all the major movie and television studios to convene and agree, JJ should direct everything from now on.  “He is a talented director,” stated CAA head Richard Lovett.  “He also makes a buttload of money.  That usually never ends so it’s a great idea to have him direct everything from now on.”

The decision was not only made to have Abrams direct everything from now on, but to give him a directing credit on every movie that has ever been made as well.  Since that decision was made, past movies and television show sales have gone through the proverbial roof.  “DVD’s, VHS’s, you name it.  They’re flying off the shelves,” stated last Blockbuster manager Aaron Greenspan.  “We are almost completely wiped out, and not because we can’t afford to stay open.  It’s like real business is happening.  We actually had to hire an employee.  Crazy.”


CNN Plans on Catching the Next Big Hoax

Being not real is KINDA like being dead.

Yesterday, uncovered a story that is still unfolding, a hoax involving Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o and an apparently imaginary girlfriend.  CNN went on record promising that they’ll “get the next one.”

Recently, CNN has ended their investigative journalism sector, one of the staples of any news station.  The profitability is no longer there when a “news” organization can rely on viewers to upload content and comment on the larger, already well known events of the day.  This led to a semi-reputable source, Deadspin, uncovering this incredible hoax of a girlfriend instead of the companies that consider themselves news organizations.  CNN has released a statement addressing this complete miss.

“CNN is cutting edge in terms of news,” stated CNN CEO.  “We always strive to give the best, most informed news and be first on the scene.  That does not always happen, but we will definitely get the next one. Promise.”  CNN has no plans on bringing back their investigative department which will make it much more difficult to accomplish, but if they do not, there will always be great coverage of a murder that happened somewhere to someone.

After Discovering the Internet, Little Joey Sanford Entered and Exited Puberty.

georgeJoey Sanford, aged 11, was but a simple young lad last week.  He enjoyed playing sports with friends, video games, watching movies, even laughing at his own farts.  He was a true adolescent male.  But then something happened.  He discovered the internet.

Yes, earlier today Joey discovered the internet.  His parents had kept it a secret from him so as to avoid all of the dangers that comes with being a young child on the internet: perverts, pornography, and kitten videos.  All dangerous when put in the wrong hands.  But one cold day, Joey’s only friend Gabe told Joey to send him an email.  When Joey replied with “what’s an email,” Gabe took it upon himself to give Joey some alone time with his laptop computer.  Joey first entered Mozilla Firefox at 8:58 am, closed it at 3:42 pm, and reportedly finished puberty at the very same time.  He grew a foot and a half, gained 50 lbs of pure muscle and found himself with a deep voice.

It is unclear at this point which sites he visited.  “Honestly I think it’d be easier to show what sites he didn’t visit,” said Joey’s friend Gabe.  “My search history was incredibly dense.  Couldn’t even tell you.”  Joey is officially a man now, fully capable of growing a beard within minutes, bench pressing 400 lbs and has killed animals with his bare hands.  In a cool way, not like a psycho way.

Wayne LaPierre Says Gun Discussion Shouldn’t Happen Until Day Care Center Shooting Happens

“Oh yeah almost forgot, FUCK YOU.”

Critics were stunned today when NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated that he would not be ready to discuss more gun regulations until there was some sort of day care center shooting.

Millions of Americans have been calling for stricter gun control regulations in the aftermath of the Newtown, Connecticut shootings at an elementary school killing 20 children and 8 adults, one of the worst shootings in American history.  The NRA kept quiet for some time out of respect for those lost and affected by the terrible atrocities.  But lately, the fearless leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, has begun speaking out and voicing his opinion on the gun control matter.  “I believe that we are getting close to talking about gun control,” said LaPierre, “but we should probably wait until a day care shooting happens.  Those kids from Newtown were pretty young, but not THAT young.”

The part time lover but never time friend went on to discuss how children already have a chance to live and see some stuff, especially with the internet nowadays.  It is only babies that do not see anything, because light is just so bright to babies and they only see in colors and shapes.  “The next time there is a nursery shooting, give me a call.  Until then, happy shooting.”

Roger Goodell Just Realizing the Buffalo Bills Did Not Play this Season.

No wonder they don’t do well. Their picture is of their mascot taking a bullet to the head.

Many NFL teams go unnoticed throughout the season as it becomes clear their chances of a Superbowl victory are slim.  But none has gone more unnoticed than the Buffalo Bills.  In fact, Roger Goodell just realized that they did not even play one game this season.

NFL Playoffs are in full swing as of this weekend where it has become time to reflect on the past season, and the prospects for the eliminated teams in the upcoming draft.  While looking at who would receive what drafting spot something peculiar occurred.  The numbers were not lining up.  “We have a certain amount of draft picks, a certain amount of eliminated teams, and a certain amount of teams in the playoffs,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  “We were one off each time.  So we took our search to Wikipedia to see what teams actually play in the NFL and we noticed that the Buffalo Bills did not have a record this season.”

Apparently, the ever-mediocre Buffalo Bills saw their chances of winning the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season as practically non-existent.  “We decided that it was in the best interest of our fans, our players, and the organization as a whole, to forgo the season,” stated Bills head coach Chan Gailey.  “You have no idea how upsetting every game is for us.  Even a win feels like a loss.”  Questions circulated as to why Chan was let go recently, and the decision to forgo and entire football season may be a small factor in that.  The Buffalo Bills are hoping to start anew by giving themselves a new mascot or switching from Buffalo to Poughkeepsie.  Anything to get better.

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