Satirists Have all Killed Themselves Attempting to Make Connecticut School Shooting Funny

connecticut shootingSatirists have come out of the woodwork in the past few years, on the internet, on television, and in movies.  They make light of terrible situations or point out odd behavior no one else notices.  They create semi-realistic situations based off of the real world as a form of commentary on said situations.  But today, satirists have officially grown stumped as to how they could make light of the Connecticut school shooting that took place today December 14th 2012.  Opinionated Democrat, Andy Borowitz, and every single writer (and even some accountants) for The Onion, have all committed suicide.  There is no way to make light of this situation.  Not possible.


Santa Being a Real Sourpuss About Not Getting Cookies and Milk From the MacDonald Family

Angry-Santa-Claus-in-fron-007Last night, Santa Claus had his most important night of the year: the night where he gives gifts to all Christian children of the world in one night, so that when they wake up, they realize their goodness had paid off.  And all he ever asks for in return is some milk and cookies.  Apparently the MacDonald family of Nashville, Tennessee forgot the age old tradition of putting out milk and cookies before bed time.

“It had been a hectic couple of days for us,” stated familial patriarch Jerry MacDonald.  “My mom went to the hospital, some of our gifts arrived here from Amazon at the last second, and our turkey had spoiled.  It must have just slipped our minds.”  Or so he says.  But apparently Santa does not see it that way.  “I work all year round to reward your children.  And do I ask for reimbursement, hugs, kisses, a night with your wife?  NO!  All I ask for is milk and cookies!  You fucking douchebag!”

As we spoke with the jolly ol’ man his cheeks became rosier and rosier.  But not because of Christmas spirit.  It was because of anger.  “They probably think I’m fat and I should be happy with the cookies I was given by every OTHER house on the block.  Well fuck you MacDonalds.  I will never visit your house again.”  Santa has vowed to never return to the house stating that a milk and cookie toll is the ‘easiest fucking thing in the world to do,’ and that ‘making sure animals without wings can fly is not.’

White Girl in Africa Wishes Everyone Would Stop Asking to Feel Her Hair

Her hair used to be blonde.

Amanda Hart, aged 24, has been living in Africa for three years now helping build schools and would really just like everyone to stop asking if they can touch her hair.

Amanda left the United States in search of a greater cause than herself.  Wide-eyed she entered the sub-saharan plains of Africa looking to build schools, teach, and purify water sources.  Since her departure in 2011, she has done just that.  Three schools have been built, two for children and one adult school.  Clean water now reaches thousands more.  And the town has slowly come out of poverty and unhappiness.  But one thing has been bugging Amanda ever since she started.  People will not stop asking to feel her hair.

“I mean, I love everyone here,” said Hart.  “But come on, is my hair really THAT weird?  It’s just hair.  It’s like they’ve never seen a white person before.”  She reportedly has at least three hundred and twelve hands touch her hair daily.  That comes out to over a hundred and fifty people according to math.  “Can you believe how smooth her hair is?” asked one student.  “I mean all of our hair is one way.  Her hair is different.  I’m going to see if I can touch it again.”  Countless germs are spread from hands to other hosts so the risk of catching something increases every time someone touches her hair.  “It has become a cesspool of hand sweat and I’m sure other stuff I don’t want to think about.”  Amanda has no plans to leave Africa so that people will stop touching her hair, but who knows when her breaking point will be?  Probably three weeks.

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iFARTID: Ramblings of an Old Man

Dentures. Old men wear them. Get it?

Whoever invented commas anyways? Reading words is enough of a pain in the ass. I want to know who decided to put lines in the middle of a sentence and said “This is when to pause.” Well I’m not going to pause buddy! I want to get this whole “reading” thing done as quickly as possible so I can resume my Judge Mathis episode. Those people on that show sure are crazy. But that’s discussion for another time.

Some “intellectuals” claim that commas are useful for separating lists of items or preventing run on sentences. I’d like to refute that disputable fact. Watch me list some of my favorite things to complain about: Peanut butter black socks wooden docks boats shoelaces skaters French horns. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS!?

So the next time an asshole grammatical expert tries to correct my complaint letter Imma have to choke a bitch. Hey is there a male version of the word bitch or can that only be in reference to a female? Food for thought for the week…

*Please take note that there is not a SINGLE comma in this entire article…shows how useless they actually are.

UN Calls Emergency Meeting to Determine the Correct Pronunciation of Ndamukong Suh.

Suh suh suhdio

The United Nations has called an emergency meeting to finally determine the correct pronunciation of Ndamukong Suh.

Many professional athletes given unusual names at birth.  There have not been studies as of yet connecting the two, but it was an indisputable fact that some athletes’ names are not the norm.  Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamunkong Suh seems to be one of the most peculiar.  In fact, of the dozens of times he has played on national television, there have been even more pronunciations of his first and last name.  Since Suh has refused to comment on the matter, it is up to this non-governmental organization (NGO) to finalize the pronunciation.

During this meeting held in Detroit, many possibilities were tried. “Nuh-dom-a-kin SOO,” is what the ambassador from China stated.  “Dimsung,” is what the United States UN Ambassador stated.  “Nid-mikun shhhhhh,” was what the Palestinian UN Ambassador stated (way to blow your first UN meeting Palestine).  None of these received any more than one or two votes.  The UN is currently still in gridlock about this issue.  UN Spokesperson stated that “we hope that be through this pointless discussion from this powerless body by the end of the week.  But tensions are running high.”  We will keep you updated as this story develops.  We know it is very important to everyone.

Upset Woman Commenting on Satire Site Still Makes a Good Point

A very upset woman recently commented on a satire news website claiming that “she can’t believe this could happen in a world,” and that “she is outraged beyond belief.”  Though other comments have stated that even though she is getting mad at a fake story, she still has a good point.

On November 30, 2012 at exactly 9:54 pm, Betsy Brucks commented on a post entitled “David Hasselhoff Leading Revolution in Germany.”  The post had received numerous comments including “lawl” by PittyKitty33, “damn man hasselhoff got doze nutz” by Fly Guy, and “Heil Hitler” from Notonmeganslaw69.  But one stood out amongst the usuals.  Betsy Brucks, code named BetsyBrucks, commented saying “I can’t believe this is happening!  People need to stop worshipping celebrities.  I mean come on!  Who cares what David Hasselhoff has done in the past present or future.  Right?  We should have a revolution against him!  Who’s with me!”  Despite the fact that Betsy clearly did not get the attempt at a joke, she still maintains that she made an excellent point.

“I mean I guess I get it NOW,” stated Betsy.  “But that is really besides the point!  People love celebrities because of their faces and their hair people and their tv appearances.  They should love math and science like India and Japan do.  Let me tell you something else…”  At this point Rawful News reporters vacated the premises because they knew it would be endless tormenting of vague droll.  To this day, Betsy maintains that she was not foolish for seriously commenting on a satire site as people have “something to learn from her.”

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