iFARTID: The Ramblings of an old man. Part 1

iFARTID: Intelligent Facts And Real Truthisms InDeed

Whoever thought margarine was a good idea should go to hell. I don’t know one person who has ever said “You know what this French bread needs? Margarine.” It’s like food manufacturers wanted to trick consumers into thinking margarine is healthy with the argument that “well, it’s not butter.” Well fuck you margarine makers! I know what you’re up to in your chemical labs and trans fat free zones with test tubes full of bubbly liquids and extremely attractive lab assistants that do it in sterile environments…I STILL WATCH PORN Y’KNOW!

But it isn’t the fact that margarine merely exists that bothers me (yes it is). It is as if Mr. Margarine* came upon Mr. Butter** one day and said “Hey guess what? You’re fat. I’m gonna pretend to be better and then nobody will eat you.” And the rest is history. For decades people have been pretending that margarine is sooo good and that butter is just the worst thing ever, but you know what? It’s not. You know it and I know it.  Stop lying to your fat ass and high cholesterol. It’s gross, and you’d be a much better person if you just ate butter.

So the next time you see margarine sitting next to butter at the grocery store, just give it a knowing glare. He’ll know exactly what he did.

*Margarine is not necessarily a ‘He.’ Nobody knows what it’s actually made of making sexual identification difficult if not impossible.

**Butter is almost positively a ‘He’…for obvious reasons.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

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