NBA Statement: “Thank God those couple of tiny white refs were there to break up that fight”

There he is, you can kind of see him.

Recently, a fight broke out between Kris Humphries of the Brooklyn Nets and what seemed like the entire Celtics starting five.  The National Basketball League has come out with a statement thanking those “tiny little white men we call refs.”

The full statement is as follows:

“We want to thank the brave little white men we call refs for stepping in and doing their part by breaking up the fight between what most people would consider to be monsters.  They blew their whistles and pushed with all their might, and eventually the basketball players were a fright.  Oh shit that just rhymed haha.  Anywhozers.  We always pride ourselves on choosing the smallest people that we know could break up a fight between seven foot tall behemoths and other seven foot tall behemoths.  And in this sport they don’t even have yellow flags filled with magical power to separate them.  It is all their might.  And we salute you.  No raises though.”

The National Basketball Association would also like to thank the whistle suppliers as those things hurt really bad when they are blown close by.


Republicans Ask For Ronald Reagan’s Impeachment Because He is No Ronald Reagan

In a stunning turn of events, the GOP has asked that Ronald Reagan be formally impeached, because he is definitely no Ronald Reagan.

Republicans have begun a new trend in Congress ever since President Barack Obama won a second term.  Because they know their talk of impeachment will no longer stir up the base.  So they have moved on to impeaching past presidents.  Bill Clinton has already been impeached a second time.  George H.W. has somewhat slipped under the radar as nobody cares about him.  And they landed on a president who raised taxes, who called for peace, and planned on cutting the amount of nuclear weapons in the United States’ stockpile by one third.  That man was Ronald Reagan.

The Republicans, stuck between a rock and a hard place, have chosen their strict morals over their fearless hero.  The application to impeach President Ronald Reagan was submitted this afternoon at 4:58 pm, eastern time.  They did so before the strike of 5pm just to make sure they all got out on time.  The Rawful News staff is dedicated to bringing you up to the minute coverage on this shocking and unnecessary development.

iFARTID: The Ramblings of an old man. Part 1

iFARTID: Intelligent Facts And Real Truthisms InDeed

Whoever thought margarine was a good idea should go to hell. I don’t know one person who has ever said “You know what this French bread needs? Margarine.” It’s like food manufacturers wanted to trick consumers into thinking margarine is healthy with the argument that “well, it’s not butter.” Well fuck you margarine makers! I know what you’re up to in your chemical labs and trans fat free zones with test tubes full of bubbly liquids and extremely attractive lab assistants that do it in sterile environments…I STILL WATCH PORN Y’KNOW!

But it isn’t the fact that margarine merely exists that bothers me (yes it is). It is as if Mr. Margarine* came upon Mr. Butter** one day and said “Hey guess what? You’re fat. I’m gonna pretend to be better and then nobody will eat you.” And the rest is history. For decades people have been pretending that margarine is sooo good and that butter is just the worst thing ever, but you know what? It’s not. You know it and I know it.  Stop lying to your fat ass and high cholesterol. It’s gross, and you’d be a much better person if you just ate butter.

So the next time you see margarine sitting next to butter at the grocery store, just give it a knowing glare. He’ll know exactly what he did.

*Margarine is not necessarily a ‘He.’ Nobody knows what it’s actually made of making sexual identification difficult if not impossible.

**Butter is almost positively a ‘He’…for obvious reasons.

Experts Say Nation Likely to Starve With All These Restaurants Taking Stances on Social Issues

With Papa Johns, Applebee’s, and Denny’s have all coming out as opponents of “Obamacare” and price hikes, along with the statements of Chick-Fil-A CEO about marriage equality, experts believe that the nation may soon starve.

There  is not an abundance of food places across the United States, and it was just recently proven that the majority of Americans side with President Barack Obama.  Boycotting these restaurants and fast food chains could have disastrous effects on the nation’s health.  “Starving oneself for country is not a new phenomenon,” stated Scientist James Maden.  “Gandhi is the most notable, but many have starved themselves in protest.  But with the amount of restaurant chains, three in total, it is cause for concern.  People need to eat.  Even Democrats.”

Many have hailed how this may hurt our economy directly and indirectly.  Higher prices could mean less food items bought, meaning some employees may lose their jobs.  But it may also mean that people may lose a few inches in their waists which will be disastrous for Americans’ increasingly necessary health-care procedures like lap band surgeries or medicine for diabetics.  “It could possibly kill thousands of jobs,” stated Economy Scientist Fred Hankonson.  “Obama Hussein believes he is pro economy.  Show me how losing jobs is pro economy.  You show me that ese.”

Man Accusing Elmo of Pedophilia Was Totes Joshin’

The man who recently accused Elmo’s pupeteer of having sexual intercourse while he was underage has released a statement that he was “totes just joshin’ around.”

A former lover of the Elmo pupeteer recently told the media that their sexual encounters were when the anonymous Pennsylvania man was a minor, thereby accusing him of pedophilia/child rape.  Being a part of such a well-known child’s program, it was clear why there was such an uproar.  It was not until the anonymous gentleman saw the uproar that he decided to set the record straight.  “I was totes joshin’ guys,” stated the now 26 Pennsylvania man.  “Didn’t know everyone was gonna get all weird about it.  Sheesh.”  He also wanted to make sure that people stop “taking rape so seriously.”  The impact this will have on Elmo’s puppeteer is probably minimal because no one will remember any part of this story in a year, especially not the part about him raping a child.

Politicians Continue to Litter the Jersey Shore with Millions of Trash Bags

In the wake of hurricane Sandy, and on the eve of a nor’easter, American politicians have been travelling to the devastated portions of the East Coast in order to assess the damage and help in any way they can.  But the efforts have been short-lived as all of the politicians are simply bringing thousands of trash bags, and then leaving them all over the place to the point of snow being completely covered with trash bags.

It is no surprise that these politicians do not wish to get their hands dirty when push comes to shove.  But it has been taken to an all-time low.  Or an all-time high depending on your perspective.  But each of the 112 politicians that has hit the East Coast has reportedly brought with them and their staff an average of thirteen thousand trash bags.  Not one of those were filled with garbage by those politicians.  In fact, recently because of the nor’easter, politicians have just been sending in air raids of trash bags as they fly over safely in a helicopter or airplane.  Trash bags by the thousands are dumped everywhere.  One bundle smashed through the only house left standing on the Jersey Shore.

“There will be a dire need for cleanups in the coming days and weeks,” stated Speaker Boehner.  “We are doing all we can to help.”  When questioned about whether all he could do was just dumping trash bags everywhere he stated “What else is there to do?”

In the Event of a Tie, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama Will Play Game of ‘Gay Chicken’ To Determine Winner

Never has there been quite the distinct possibility of a tie during a presidential election as we see today.  The threat of a tie is real and scary knowing this process could go on for months.  That is exactly why lawyers have been scowering laws to figure out exactly how the tie breaker would be handled.  Today, the solution was found.  A game of “gay chicken” would decide the final outcome of our 2012 presidential election.

What is gay chicken you ask?  I’m glad you asked, otherwise this article would be pointless.  Gay chicken is where two (seemingly) straight men, face one another and slowly move in for the kiss.  Whoever quits first loses.  Romney’s lawyers have been arguing that the winner is the person who quits first because homosexuality is a sin, whether doing it ironically or not.  “Most men avoid gay in all situations,” stated longtime lawyer of the Romney family.  “So wouldn’t it make most sense that the person to pull away first wins.  They’re not gay.”

Litigation has been extremely tiresome and has included dozens of law firms working around the clock to make a decision on whether winning the game is winning, or being less gay is winning.  But even with a consensus amongst the legal community, if a tie were to occur, it would almost certainly go to the Supreme Court.

Ann Romney Won’t Stop Asking Michelle Obama if She Can Touch Her Hair

First Lady Michelle Obama complained to the media yesterday about the Romney family.  Though this complaint was not about politics, it was about Ann Romney always asking if she can touch Mrs. Obama’s hair.

It is a well-known fact that African-American hair has a much different texture than that of a Caucasian-American’s hair.  Many times, children who have not lived in a very diverse place ask to feel the hair of the first African-American they become close enough with.  Well, for Ann Romney, that time has come much later in life than most.  In fact, the first black people she has ever come in direct contact with has been the Obama’s.  “She knew about black people, that they existed,” stated long-time friend Terry Thatch.  “She saw the Jeffersons one time as a child and just thought it was her tv acting up.”  And apparently now that the Romney’s and Obama’s have spent enough time together, despite their sheer opposition towards one another, Ann Romney finally felt comfortable enough to pop the question.

“Can I touch it?” was Ann’s first question, to which Michelle asked “the fuck’d you just say to me?”  Ann Romney was startled, even thought she may be ‘shanked.’  But curiosity got the better of her.  “Your hair…May I touch it?  I hear it is different from my elegantly flowing locks.”  Sources close to the First Lady stated that Michelle walked away so as to not feel the need to ‘shank that hoe,’ (direct quote).  Many would assume that would be the end of the question.  But Ann Romney has asked every single meeting since.  “May I feel your hair NOW?” or “I just washed my hands, can I now?” or “Please just let me get in there real deep like.”  No word as to whether Michelle will break down and let her feel her hair.  Probs not.

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