Man Excited About Every Game Finally Mattering During MLB Post Season Disappointed to Find Out in the End Nothing Truly Matters

The MLB Postseason is upon us.  It is one of the few times in professional baseball that seem to matter for the sport.  As one man found out recently, nothing truly matters in the end.

Joseph Healsmith was recently at home watching the MLB Postseason, his team, the St. Louis Cardinals.  He had been calling his friends all night telling him how excited he was during every moment of these games.  “Every pitch matters,” Joseph told his friend David.  “Every steal is a possible win or loss.  Everything totally matters.”  The euphoria that often comes with finding meaning in the meaningless was glazed over Joseph’s body.  Until horror struck.

He changed the channel for just a quick second when he happened upon a commercial.  The commercial was none other than the ASPCA video.  For those who have not seen the video, you are the lucky few.  Enjoy life while you can.  Joseph saw the images and clips of the battered and beaten animals.  Animals that were mistreated for no good reason.  The ones that had been beat for a good reason did not make the commercial makes the images even more upsetting.  Joseph began to cry.  A song so sad, a thousand mountains could crumble under its impact.  Images so destructive, it could defeat Dolph Lundgren in one punch.  Joseph then ran out of tears and began to ponder “Why would someone commit such a crime?  What makes us so different than the animals?  No seriously how are we different than animals?  Some animals have opposable thumbs.  Most go to battle over territory, property, or sex just like us.  Do animals and humans go to the same heaven?  It doesn’t say anything about this in the bible.  Oh fuck, what if there is no heaven?  What is the point of life?  What is baseball in the grand scheme of things?  We are just a speck…”

We have no idea what else would have come after this, but unfortunately his head exploded immediately following this line of questioning.  The coroner declared Joseph deceased at 9:14pm PST on October 15th, 2012.  A sad day for the sports community indeed.


About Rawful News
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