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James Holmes’ Lawyers Ask That His Creepy Fucking Face Not Be Introduced as Evidence


James Holmes’ lawyers heavily objected today to the introduction of the defendants’ ‘creepy fucking face’ into evidence.

District Attorney Carol Chambers threw the courtroom for a loop today when she said “Your honor, I would like to introduce the defendants’ creepy fucking face into evidence as Exhibit Q.”  As she said this, she held her hands around James Holmes’ face, where he gave his typical blank, wide-eyed stare forwards.  The defendant’s attorney quickly objected stating that it just “wouldn’t be fair to his defendant.”  When asked to elaborate, the lawyer stuck with the argument of “just cuz.”  After short deliberation, the judge allowed the introduction of Holmes’ creepy fucking face into evidence, only because it is already clear to the jurors from his face that he obviously committed the crimes and should go away for life, even if only to keep that stare behind closed doors forever.

This has never been done before and will surely cause countless appeals, but seeing as how most judges are not fans or creepy fucking faces, they will probably all side with the District Attorney.

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Mitt Romney Lets Slip He Would Totally “Bang America”


Mitt Romney let it slip during yesterday’s debate during a pissing contest with the President of the United States of America that he would totally “bang America.”

There were many debacles during tonight’s debate.  But there was one particular exchange between President Barack Obama and presidential hopeful Mitt Romney that is gaining attention.  An exchanged that resulted in Mitt Romney exclaiming to the crowd that he would totally “bang America.”  This is the conversation:

Romney

Now you see, our “President” here has not brought our economy up to the level he
said he would have it, and is not up to the level Americans deserve.  I know how to
run businesses and how to get this economy going again.  That is why I love this great
nation.  I love it more than life itself.  Unlike the current “President.”

Obama

Now what Governor Romney is proposing is that I don’t love America.  That is just false.
I love America.  I love it a lot.  It gets almost a little much sometimes.  Not like CREEPY
love, but like very attentive husband love.  Like what The View would consider a
good husband.  Something that seems unrealistic to most people, but I get it done.
My opponent is a little weird about thingswith America.  Like waiting outside the window
high school boyfriend type of weird.

Romney

Now what President-Shmesident Obama believes is absolutely false.  I am not weird
about things.  I just love America so much.  Often times my wife catches me crying
while thinking about America.  Now when you hear cry you probably think of a
normal cry.  No, this is a sob.  Tears streaming sob.

Obama

Now see, that is uhhhhh really weird.  When I cry about how much I love the United States,
it’s while I lift weights.  Or eat raw steak.  Or when Michelle is taking me to Pleasuretown USA.
You know, manly times to cry.  I highly doubt Governor Romney loves the United States
that much.  I dare you to prove otherwise.

Romney

How dare you sir!  To state that I do not care about the United States is to say
that I do not care about great things, like shootings, Lindsay Lohan, and The Beatles…

Obama

Beatles are British!  Check the transcript.

Romney

Well the point is moot.  In fact, dare I say, if the United States were a woman, I would totally
bang America.  I would bang America real good.  I would last at least thirty five whole
minutes.  I would be great.  She would be better.

Now to be fair, Governor Romney followed up with the press after the debate to clarify that he would “bang America,” but only if he had never married Ann and were married to America.  Those are the two stipulations.  Other than that he would “go crazy up in the Southern areas of the United States.”

Tonight’s Debate Totally Different in That the Podiums are Faced Directly At Each Other.


Tonight was the third and final presidential debate between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney.  Most debates seem the same, so this one needed to add a different style.  That style was facing the podiums directly toward each other and touching them together.

The intensity has increased ten fold from the first debate to the second debate.  The third debate obviously needed to follow the same trend.  So in order to up the ante, the debate moderator decided to place the podiums touching and facing one another.  Barack Obama and Mitt Romney were unaware of the last minute changes, and that was the point.  “Think about the last time you looked someone in the eye for longer than a split second,” stated moderator Bob Schieffer.  “You probably either thought they wanted to fuck or fight.  Either way the debate would be great.

It became very intense at about thirty seconds in and did not quit until the end.  Most believe that Barack Obama won the debate, but most believe Mitt Romney won the true battle of the staring contest.

Romney’s Binder Girl #4559822-E


After Romney’s infamous “binders of women’ gaffe at the second Presidential debate, we at Rawful News decided to find the coveted business little black books.  And of course we found them.  Do not ask how.  But we decided to reveal each profile one by one.  Tonight, Binder Girl #4559822-E

Name: Patricia Brecht

Current Occupation: Always at Home Mom/Nanny to her own children

Underwear type: Typically silk with a little lace.

Breast size: Double D

Degree: Masters in Economics from Harvard; JD of Finance at Yale.

Analysis: Patricia is probably a hard-working little girl that loves to be called pet names and makes a mean pot of java.  She probably has more than one kid.  Her hair is usually up, but boy when she takes it down she can really shine.

Man Excited About Every Game Finally Mattering During MLB Post Season Disappointed to Find Out in the End Nothing Truly Matters


The MLB Postseason is upon us.  It is one of the few times in professional baseball that seem to matter for the sport.  As one man found out recently, nothing truly matters in the end.

Joseph Healsmith was recently at home watching the MLB Postseason, his team, the St. Louis Cardinals.  He had been calling his friends all night telling him how excited he was during every moment of these games.  “Every pitch matters,” Joseph told his friend David.  “Every steal is a possible win or loss.  Everything totally matters.”  The euphoria that often comes with finding meaning in the meaningless was glazed over Joseph’s body.  Until horror struck.

He changed the channel for just a quick second when he happened upon a commercial.  The commercial was none other than the ASPCA video.  For those who have not seen the video, you are the lucky few.  Enjoy life while you can.  Joseph saw the images and clips of the battered and beaten animals.  Animals that were mistreated for no good reason.  The ones that had been beat for a good reason did not make the commercial makes the images even more upsetting.  Joseph began to cry.  A song so sad, a thousand mountains could crumble under its impact.  Images so destructive, it could defeat Dolph Lundgren in one punch.  Joseph then ran out of tears and began to ponder “Why would someone commit such a crime?  What makes us so different than the animals?  No seriously how are we different than animals?  Some animals have opposable thumbs.  Most go to battle over territory, property, or sex just like us.  Do animals and humans go to the same heaven?  It doesn’t say anything about this in the bible.  Oh fuck, what if there is no heaven?  What is the point of life?  What is baseball in the grand scheme of things?  We are just a speck…”

We have no idea what else would have come after this, but unfortunately his head exploded immediately following this line of questioning.  The coroner declared Joseph deceased at 9:14pm PST on October 15th, 2012.  A sad day for the sports community indeed.

Unpeeling Orange in One Giant Chunk is the Highlight in Sad Man’s Life


Florida man Jack Pinkerton admitted to his family this past Thursday that favorite memory unpeeling an orange in one giant chunk.

Jack Pinkerton is not an exciting individual.  He is an accountant at a medium-grade accounting firm.  He has no wife or kids, lives in a subletted apartment with a college aged stoner, and under hobbies on his eHarmony site he listed “napping.”  So it came as no surprise to his family that he jokingly said “My highlight today was unpeeling this orange in one giant chunk.  Not like bits and pieces, but one whole chunk!”  The mood up until that point had been jovial.  But after that point, the tone turned dark.  “We knew he was having rough times,” said his mom of 46 years.  “But fuck man.  Get it together.”

After there was an awkward silence that reportedly felt like three years, dinner was served.  From the dinner table, Jack made at least nine references to the peeled orange.  “I mean I peeled an orange in one chunk the other day,” stated long time sister of Jack’s.  “I didn’t post it on my Facebook, Twitter, Tubbler, Instergrant, and whatever else he uses.”  The jokes included, but were not limited to, “bet that potato wasn’t peeled in one chunk,” “ask and ye shall be peeled,” and everyone’s favorite joke of the night “wow what does he/she think they peeled an orange in one chunk?  I think not.”

Jack has no plans to get his life together.  As of right now, he is a fully functioning member of society.  But he is reportedly just a fucking drag to be around.  But that only includes the opinions of his family and friends.

Nations Elderly Caught Masturbating During ‘Hope Springs’ Showing


This week, the nation’s FBI reported that thousands of elderly Americans have been cited or arrested for indecent exposure during showings of the new Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep flick.

The romantic comedy, or RomCom, came out recently with a decent showing at the box office, highlights an older couple looking to rekindle that flame, sexually and emotionally, they had during the first part of their marriage.  In doing so, their relationship has it’s ups and downs, many of which include reengaging sexually with each other.  This is reportedly a problem that afflicts almost every single elderly couple.  Their junk has stopped working, and to rekindle the flame they either need medication or an emotional overhaul.

“Many Americans have been foregoing medical treatment for their lack of sex drive and simply attending a screening of ‘Hope Springs,’ stated FBI Special Agent Kellen McSneller.  “We were hearing complaints about elderly couples being removed from the theatre for either masturbating or committing lude acts upon one another.  So we decided to put an FBI agent in every showing of the film.”  Since then over three thousand couples, six thousand people, have been arrested for committing lude and lascivious act in a public setting.

“So we have heard recently, going to jail is also helping these old fucks get their flame back.  We have to hose down the cells when they’re gone.  It’s a nightmare.”

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