NFL Replacement Refs Celebrate a Job Well Done by Murdering Kittens

After finishing another game tonight achieving excellency, the replacement referees decided to treat themselves, by killing a bucket full of kittens.

There has been much talk about how the replacement NFL referees are doing.  It is a difficult job that faces constant scrutiny.  But on the other side of the coin there are millions of dollars bet on every single football game every single week.  So the bar should be set high for whoever chooses the path of a professional referee.  Luckily for the replacement referees, they have reached that bar.  They in fact, have made that bar their little bitch.  They have far surpassed everyone’s expectations and done even better than Americans thought.

All week long they had been looking for some kind of reward for their great efforts.  “I have been trying just so HARD,” stated replacement referee Ingle Brownstein.  “I either wanted to smash a bunch of dishes or kill a bunch of kittens.”  The NFL being the dream maker it is decided to round up a bucket full of kittens to surprise the referees if they finished Monday Night Football with no mistakes.

“We had been keeping a close eye on the game as we normally do not do,” stated Roger Goodell.  “We were worried they would get any of the calls wrong and got really worried about that tough last call.  But they definitely nailed it with flying colors.”  The bucket of kittens was delivered to all of the referees’ doorsteps completely unharmed.  So the referees could destroy them any way they wished.  Some beat them with sticks.  Some put the kittens in the garbage disposal.  Some just sat on their faces until they slowly lost all ability to breath.  “I could not believe it when I saw the kittens,” said another replacement referee Tag Newton.  “I knew I had done good when I got to smash those kittens.  Can’t wait to do good next week too.  By the way Thursday Night Football is stupid.”


Romney Releases Birth Certificate Just for the Hell of it.

On this Sunday Romney decided not to rest as he released his birth certificate today, pretty much just for the hell of it.

It seems at this point that Governor Romney’s chances of being elected President in November have all but disappeared.  Many have been stating since the beginning that he needs to reinvigorate the Republican base, those ardent individuals who have never been too thrilled about his candidacy.  In a last ditch effort to remind Americans at the very least, that he is also American.  “I realized I have very little to lose at this point,” stated Romney in an interview he had planned and knew was happening.  “I just thought, fucking it, why not?”

Despite the fact no one has cared enough to ask for his birth certificate, he still released it.  So far it has been circulating no where and has only been commented on by this institution.

All of the Americans That Won’t Vote Wait in Line for iPhone 5.

Every American that will not vote in this coming November General Election waited in line this week to buy the most important thing in everyone’s lives: an iPhone 5.

Every few years, Americans are given a choice that will change the free world as we know it, whether to upgrade to the next highest generation of iPhones or not.  It is a burden many are unable to deal with on a daily basis.  But for those who are brave enough, the lines formed a good forty-three hours before the iPhone was set to hit stores.  “I just know that this will be the most important decision I make this year,” stated 24-year old moocher Adam LeGaste.  “And it’s not even that iPhones are that important, just that there is nothing else that important happening this year.”

This sentiment was repeated down the line of twenty-somethings buying iPhones with their parents’ money.  Countless brave souls recounted the endless research they have done figuring out the differences between the iPhone 4/4s and the iPhone 5.  Figuring out how it would affect their personal bank accounts and affect their job growth and performance.  Even the accessibility of their wireless carrier.  “All in all I’d say I have spent days researching this phone,” stated another random sad sack in line.  When asked about the upcoming election the same person replied “Don’t fucking waste my time with those questions.  You see the upgraded Angry Birds game though?”

Exclusive Interview with the Buckingham Palace Guards.

A lot of people have been vying for the attention of the British Royal Family in the wake of Kate Middleton’s nude pictures.  But there is one group that has not been asked about the recent scandal: the Buckingham Palace Guards.  We recently interviewed a Buckingham Palace Guards to find out their opinions on the matter.

RN Report:  Please state your names for the record.

Guard: ………..

RN Reporter:  We will just assume you all wish to remain anonymous.  When did you first hear or Kate Middleton’s leaked pictures?

Guard: ………..

RN Reporter:  Perhaps you have not heard, though I find it hard to imagine it has not gotten around in the juicy gossip of the Buckingham locker rooms.  In case you are not aware, Kate Middleton who married into being your boss, was photographed with her husband, who was born into being your boss, naked.  How do you think she should handle this situation?

Guard: ………

RN Reporter:  Oh I see.  You think she should handle it by not talking to the press.  By not acknowledging the bad news and just moving past it.  Interesting.  Have you seen the pictures yourself?

Guard: ……….

RN Reporter:  Haha I totally know what you mean.  Atta boy.  Pound it.

Guard: ……….

RN Reporter:  I forgot you guys don’t like to be touched.  It’s ok, my next interviewee is Howie Mandel.  If you had any advice for Kate Middleton, what would it be?

Guard: ………..

RN Reporter:  Now you’re just being a dick.  Fuck you.  This interview is over.

Area Man Totally Could Have Gone to Harvard if He Had Just Tried Harder

Local underachiever Dick Travis, told his family at a recent get together, that he definitely could have gone to Harvard if he had just tried harder.

Dick Travis is a 35 year old auto-mechanic with no wife living by himself in a studio apartment in a dingy part of Cleveland, Ohio.  He has by no means a poor life, but there is nothing very extraordinary about it.  His IQ is around 96 and his grades in school were never anything better than fair.  But as he discussed his life thus far with his parents, uncles, and grandparents, he stated that “I totally could have gone to Harvard.  I just needed to try harder.”

“I was flabergasted when he said that,” said his long-time mother.  “I mean I love him and all.  But he is kind of an idiot.  It’s not rude if it’s true right?”  No one wanted to tell him he could have never been accepted by Harvard in a million years but there was an obvious silence in the air.  “It would have been mean to call him out on his shitty life in front of everyone,” stated Dick’s dick dad.  “I mean I’m a lawyer AND  doctor.  Not the first time I have wondered whether he’s related to me or not.”

No word as of yet about whether or not Dick plans on trying harder to get into Harvard but probably not because talking about it is practically doing it.

Local Woman Goes on ‘Eat Pray Love’ Expedition to Next Town Over.

Jessica Chaste, aged 44, has felt recently that she is stuck in a rut. That her life is not on a path she is neither spiritually, physically, or emotionally fulfilled. So after reading the book titled Eat, Pray, Love, by Jessica decided to go on the very same expedition.

“I had decided what Julia Roberts’ character did in the book is exactly what I needed for my life,” stated Jessica.  “I needed something to revitalize my life.”  Jessica soon realized that a trip of that magnitude would be very expensive.  And because she is paying off her credit card debts for all of that workout equipment she got last Christmas for herself to get skinny again.  Her trip soon found itself toned down to finding the most similar areas in the United States comparable to the areas in the book.  She discovered that the next town over had a yoga studio, Olive Garden, and a speed dating event all only twenty miles away.

“Unlimited soup and salad was delicious.  Pretty sure I gained ten pounds.”  After that she went to the yoga studio figuring that the exercise would be warranted after a meal like that.  She lasted only seven minutes.  She passed gas and was too embarrassed to stay.  She left to hit her speed dating event but since those seven minutes were the most difficult exercise of her life she smelled like sweat.  “I couldn’t just show up to a dating event smelling the way I did.  I just went home and rewatched Eat, Pray, Love.  I mean reread the book.  Damn it.”

Jessica says her life is much more fulfilled because of the exotic staycation and that she is a better person for having done it.  She has begun to lecture her two friends into doing something similar if they are smart.

Mars Rover Using Instagram Ironically

NASA has announced that the Mars rover ‘Curiosity’ will only be taking pictures and publishing them through their instagram app but that it’s ok because “it’s totally ironic.”

The Mars rover ‘Curiosity’ has been publishing its first pictures from the surface of the hot red planet and sending them back to Earth.  But the pictures have looked a little off.  There has been an unexpected grainy quality to the pictures.  Most were assuming the pictures would come out as clear as crystal considering the tremendous strides HD cameras have made in the past decade.  The explanation is simple.  The man in charge of the photographs coming back down to Earth is the one who became famous after the landing.  He is the only nerd with a mohawk.

Well that mohawked nerd made the executive decision to tape his iPhone to ‘Curiosity’ instead of keeping the 1080p lens that was meant for interstellar travel.  Bobak Ferdowski tweeted out to the world that “It’s totes funny.  We have the tech to go to Mars but use a shitty grain. #NASA #NSFW”  NASA has made plans to return curiosity to Earth in order to replace the camera real quick and then send it immediately back to Mars.

Vast Majority of Women at DNC Now Pregnant From Listening to Bill Clinton’s Speech

Majority of the women who attended the Democratic have reportedly been impregnated from Bill Clinton’s speech.

Bill Clinton spoke for a long time retorting everything the Republicans had accused Democrats of, while attempting to show President Obama can be just as good a President without shining him.  It was a masterful blending of charisma, facts, firmly placed jokes, and of course sperm.  On the way out of the convention, all women were handed pregnancy tests.  The Democratic Party stated that it was “just in case.”

Well enough time has passed to tell whether or not someone was impregnated via speech.  The DNC has been flooded with calls in the past five hours stating that their pregnancy tests had tested positive.  Even the few that were already pregnant said that their ultrasounds revealed a newly created fetus completely separate from the already existing baby.  Multiple lawsuits have been filed against the words that have flown from Bill Clinton’s mouth.  Those words, so potent, they impregnated an entire stadium.  Thousands of babies will be born out of rhetoric but legally have no binding connection to the Clinton family as Bill put into place a law exonerating any such person from impregnating folks with his potency.  Also, the law insists that they are all named Bill.

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