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Instead of Speaking at the RNC, Paul Ryan Did Push Ups for Fifteen Minutes.


Squeeze the bis.

Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryanwas set to speak last night at the Republican National Convention but instead simply did push ups for fifteen minutes straight.

Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has seen a meteoric rise in the past few months for several reasons.  His clear speaking ability.  His steadfast conservatism.  But mainly his physique.  One of the reasons he has become well known is because of his great physical condition.  He reportedly can do over a million pushups and over a billion sit ups if you can believe that!

When Congressman Ryan came out to the podium and received resounding applause it appeared as if he would speak.  But something in him changed and he switched to a push up position.  From there he began his push ups as the crowd went ‘insane.’  “Oh my goodness I would marry him,” stated random onlooker.  “Of course I would vote for him too.  SO DREAMY!”  Since what is being labelled as “Push Up-Gate,” Romney’s approval rating has skyrocketed.  Millions of Americans have switched to his side of the voting booth and will certainly tip the proverbial (and real) scales in his direction. 

Biden better hope an arm wrestling contest isn’t the decider in case of a tie!

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Sports News Outlets Would Like to Apologize for Forgetting to Talk About Tim Tebow Today


Don’t worry ’bout it. Just running in the rain with mah shirt off.

All sports news outlets came together today to apologize for not covering Tim Tebow for the first time since 2006 at the Florida Gators’ game against Southern Miss.

Tim Tebow, a stagnant star in the National Football League, has been covered in the news tirelessly since his debut with the Florida Gators in 2006.  Since his draft to the NFL the coverage has become almost Bieber-like.  But yesterday something incredible happened.  Relevant sports betting information was on the air.  Interesting discussions about the validity of sports in a modern society were had.  Even the rehabilitation of recently imprisoned football stars made the television screen.  But no talk of Tebow.

But where was Tim Tebow if not on the news always and forever?  While the reporters were too busy playing with themselves, apparently Tim Tebow was at church.  His alibi is from Father McCayhee who saw him praying for many hours.  “We also talked for some time about a certain game he played in college where I spilled my drink all over the guy next to me,” said the Father.  “I suppose all-in-all he was probably here for all twenty four hours that day.  Kid needs a hobby.”  A massive investigation into the sports journalist industry to see how and why something like this could occur in a world where people care so much about a second string quarterback who kneels at the end of games.

The FBI placed a statement that they believe “this goes all of the way up to the top of the food chain.  People are going down.  To China Town.  Made that up myself.  Sorry my hands were wet earlier, I had just washed my hands.  It wasn’t pee or anything.  Hahaha could you imagine!”

Zoo Animals Reportedly Experiencing Heavy Stockholm Syndrome


Zookeepers across the nation are panicking this week over the discovery that most of the animals in the zoos are experiencing a heavy case of Stockholm Syndrome.

The discovery came from a double-blind, university study testing the levels of affection zoo animals felt towards their handlers over time.  Animals that were brought in for the past ten years have been notoriously upset about their new, state of the art home and away from those wretched jungles have shown an incredible disgust with their newly adoptive parents.  As time went on, the animals became increasingly happy with their situation.  The work environment between the trainer and animal increasingly almost exponentially, and at the year mark, the animals became so riddled with Stockholm Syndrome that some of them have even been known to save humans when they accidentally fall into the animals’ home.

There is no quick cure for Stockholm Syndrome.  Which is why the zoos have yet to even try.  “It would practically be futile,” stated the President of the American Zoo Association.  “It would take so long most of these animals would be dead by the time they relearned to hate us.  Plus we’re all going to die anyways.  What’s the point?”

Everyone Not So Proud of Handicapped Child that Quit Race Halfway Through.


The citizens of New Hope, Minnesota was in agreement this week that they just were not that proud of a certain handicapped child that quit his track and field race halfway through.

Jerry Jones, a fourteen year old child with cerebral palsy, joined the track and field team at the beginning of the season as a team manager.  He did an excellent job.  Teams were showing up on time.  Towels in the locker room were always off the floor and cleaned.  “He was doing such an incredible job,” stated Head Coach Boris Trainer.  “We thought he should be bumped up to become an athlete.  What’s the worst that could’ve happened?”

Jerry suited up for his first track meet this past week as excited as he had ever been.  “He didn’t sleep at all the night before,” stated Jerry’s mom.  “He was engulfed with excitement.  He even wore his uniform to bed.”  But that day, little Jerry Jones was just too tired.  Reportedly his classwork suffered.  By the time he got to the track meet, his energy was completely depleted.  He was to run the 800 meter race, two laps around the track.  The first 300 meters he was doing ok, but by the time he reached the second lap he was panting like a horse in a labor day parade.  At around 450 meters he started to walk, but at 500 meters he left the track completely.

The crowd had been cheering for him the entire way, but the cheers quickly turned into yells and boos.  “Why couldn’t he just finish the fucking race?” shouted a bystander.  “He only had a little bit to go.  It would have been such a good story.  Now I can only tell my kids that if you are faced with adversity you should give up.  Fucking asshole.”  “I hate children,” exclaimed another.  Since then, Jerry Jones has not only been stripped of his track and field uniform and athlete status, but has been refused his position as team manager back.  Another more qualified, handicapped child has taken his place.  Surely he will have a more inspirational story one day.

Woman Who Spent all her Money on Beauty Routine Now Beautiful Inside and Out


Tracy Pullman has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars every year for the past twenty years on her beauty routine and has finally achieved true beauty inside and out.

Tracy’s routine has included an eight hour prep to her day.  Her diamond encrusted skin creams, organic cucumber baths, and butt massages are just a small preview to her day.  It then is followed by a grueling three hour work out session led by the creator of P90X, Tony Horton.  That workout session is followed by a two hour spa session so her muscles are able to relax thoroughly.  After the spa, she has a professional make-up artist put on her make-up.  This is not any make-up artist though.  It is the same one that did Brad Pitt’s make-up for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and made him look like he did in Thelma and Louise.  After that she goes through another training with the creator of the Insanity workouts.  And for dessert she goes for an hour long tanning session.  Every single day.

As of August 21, 2012, the world has decided Tracy Pullman has achieved true beauty inside and out.  Her beauty routine has finally allowed her to become the total package.  Someone that everyone will love no matter what happens.  Someone that can do no wrong.  Someone that will probably go to heaven.  She still has plans to continue the beauty routine in order to maintain the level of beauty, but may take time out of her day to spit on the poor just to pick up a new hobby.

Todd Akin Misspoke, He Meant That Rape Victims Deserve It.


That tie is fashion rape.

Todd Akin, Missouri’s 2nd district Congressman, has come under fire recently for stating that “Legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.”  He wants the American public to know that he completely misspoke.  He meant that rape victims deserve it.

In a statement released this morning, Akin stated “I apologize to those rape victims who have been offended at the words I used.  What I meant was that you deserved it.  Whether you were leading a guy on, were dressing like you wanted it, or it was simply karma, you probably deserved it.  Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding.”  Since then he has undergone no scrutiny whatsoever for restating as it was all just a complete misunderstanding and he never meant to hurt anyone.

 

 

Dog Taking a Poop Totally Just Ruined Encounter With Hot Girl


Jeremy Steinfeld, aged 27, totally bought his first dog only five months ago.  Being a puppy still, the dog named Danny Masterson totally has almost unlimited energy.  Jeremy has totally been giving the dog two walks a day just to calm it down.  On his evening walk with it yesterday the dog totally ruined the encounter with a hot chick, reports say.

At approximately 6:54, Jeremy started his w-a-l-k because of the cool air at that time, and also because “this hot chick is always jogging at that time,” stated Jeremy.  He had apparently been hoping she would stop to pet his puppy during her run, but he had always just missed her.  Or she would be running on the other side of the street and it would totally look weird to just cross the street randomly for no reason.

But this day was different.  This day, she was clearly running straight towards him.  He knew it was his time.  Except as she was about thirty feet away, Danny Masterson totally started taking the dump of its life.  When she finally got close enough to pet, the dog was just finishing up.  But at that time, he knew he could not be the jerk who left poop on the ground.  So he grabbed his bag and picked up the poop in his hand.  With poop in hand, he met eyes with her.  He totally knew all had been lost.  No comment from the runner girl if she was completely offended or just never cared about him in the first place.

This One Cool Trick Will Teach You How to Avoid “This One Cool Trick” Ads.


You now have a virus.  We have access to all of your information, credit card numbers, social security number, naked pictures you sent that one time, and bank statements.  We will be hacking your computer periodically just to show you who’s boss.  That is, if we don’t just decide to shut your computer down indefinitely.  Have fun spending the thousands of dollars on repairing in irreparable

 

 

Just imagine this is what will happen if you click on “This one cool trick” ads and you will never click on another one again.

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