LGBT Community to Protest Chick-Fil-A Every Sunday as a Show of Solidarity

GLAAD has released a statement to the public asking supporters of the LGBT Community to protest Chick-Fil-A every Sunday as a show of solidarity for the group.

Many protests take part on certain days for the particular company to feel the hurt on those particular days.  It is almost a warning of what would come if the situation does not get any better.  The most notable have been protests of major gasoline companies on certain days to show the consumer’s strength against the multibillion dollar corporations.  But after recent comments made by the COO of Chick-Fil-A, the LGBT Community has decided to stage a similar protest as a sign of solidarity.  They have called for a protest every Sunday of the fried chicken, fast food restaurant.  They chose this day because it is the day these “so-called Christians” find holiest.  If their profits are shown at a loss on their holiest of days, they may find a change of heart.

Chick-Fil-A has refused to comment on the matter is it would probably just make the group realize Chick-Fil-A is never actually open on any Sundays.


Chick-Fil-A Really Being a Dick to Their Gay Chickens Before They Chop Their Heads Off

Those cows are Methodist.

Chick-Fil-A came out of the proverbial closet last week as opponents of same-sex marriage.  But what is really upsetting to the LGBT community is the rude manner in which they are treating the gay chickens they have right before they chop their heads off and fry them in the most delicious manner possible.

It has only come to light since the COO of Chick-fil-a made incriminating comments against the gays that the company, that the company has been seeking out gay chickens and mistreating them, just to really drive the point home.  This has apparently been an “off the books” practice since the 1980’s when people first started thinking about what homosexuals are. 

Their method of finding the gay chickens is by putting same sex chickens into cages together, and if they hump each other, or look too longingly at one another, or have a more pastel colored beak, they are labelled “gay.”  They are then put into a separate cage so as to not “infect” the other straight chickens.  While in there, people line up one-by-one, employees usually but sometimes contest winners too, and ridicule the chickens for their choice of lifestlye.  “It’s Adam and Eve at Chick-Fil-A not Adam and Steve eating fried chicken!” is a popular one.  “Your lifestyle choices will be the end of you!  Also being a delicious chicken doesn’t help!” others have yelled.

Then, right before the moment of no return, all gay chickens are punched in the genitals in order to teach them a lesson in this life and the next.  It’s a very similar scene to that of the Saddam Hussein hanging.

Bristol Palin Explains to Tripp How “Faggot” is an Unacceptable Term to Use For People Who Should Be Denied Marriage Equality.

As our readers are aware of by now, Tripp Palin, famed son of Bristol Palin, famed daughter of Sarah Palin, was caught on national television calling his Aunt Willow a “faggot.”

Tripp, not being old enough to understand the gravity of his actions, was quickly corrected by Bristol Palin.  She scolded her son by telling him that kind of speech is unacceptable.  The term “faggot” is very offensive towards that lower class known as the homosexual community.  He needs to be more respectful of others and realize that even though they “should never ever ever ever ever be allowed to marry one another,” they should still be treated with respect and dignity to their faces.  She then later whispered to her son hoping the cameras would not catch it, but since she was wearing a microphone, it was caught on tape.  She told her son “just wait until the cameras are off.  Then you can call your Aunt Willow a faggot whenever you want.  Want a cookie?”

Tripp Palin Only Called Aunt Willow a “Faggot” Because She Was Being a Huge Faggot at the Time.

Then he said “get your fucking hands off me slut.”

Tripp Palin was caught on camera calling his Aunt Willow a “faggot.”

The public has been crying for Tripp to step down from his position of child of child of former Alaska Governor, but since that is not a formal position, there is no word of his stepping down.  But reports coming out since the event aired on semi-national television are of Aunt Willow truly acting like a “faggot” at the moment.  “There really was no other word for it,” stated an innocent by-stander.  “She had been saying like blah blah I’m a faggot.  It was so annoying.”

Apparently Willow entered the room just being a bit of a “faggot” but quickly got real “faggy” by just being all douche-like and just “really fucking gay.”  Tripp has recently apologized to his Aunt Willow, saying that he “totally didn’t mean it cuz she wasn’t being a faggot.  She was being a cunt.”

Universal Plans to Release a Film Starring Someone You Like About a Story That Doesn’t Make You Think.

Get a mountain of popcorn at the concession stand!

Universal Studios, celebrating their 100th anniversary (just a few months younger than Paramount Studios), has been releasing a frenzy of movies.  The next movie will be starring someone you like about a story that does not make you think.

Recently, someone you like has been as hot as volcanic lava starring in everything from “Someone Like You” to “Action is My Middle Name” to “What?” all grossing over 50 million at the box office.  Well someone you like will soon be starring in the epic remake of a movie that didn’t make you think the first time around but will definitely be dulled down so that you have to think even less this time around.

It will also be featuring a hot newcomer as the love interest.  This is definitely someone you will recognize but not someone that is a household name, but with any commercial success of the movie they will soon be the talk of the town as the new hot star.  The two will be on an adventure creating problems between them, but at the end they will most likely become better individuals and a better team for the whole process.  The movie will be released at a specific date not coinciding with any giant blockbuster that would take away from their profits.  Steve Carell will also star in the movie as a loveable, goofy friend.

The USA Basketball Team Received Their Jerseys Only to Find They Were Filled With Lead.

The American Olympic Association announced yesterday that they would be outsourcing the USA Basketball Team’s Jersey making to the Chinese.  In an even stranger turn of events, the jerseys received here in the United States were all filled with giant chunks of lead.

There has been much talk about whether this year’s USA Men’s Olympic Basketball team rivals the dream team including Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and numerous other notables.  It seems the gold medals are easily within grasp for the Americans. 

But in a sneaky attempt to suppress the chances of victory, the Chinese have filled their jerseys with, what we are assuming the most abundant resource of the Chinese, lead chunks.  These heavy chunks will not only suppress their ability to win, but their ability to run and jump.  Of course the poor quality of stitching has allowed most of the chunks to be easily removed or simply fall out on their own.  The Chinese were under investigation until they threatened to call in all of the money they have loaned to the United States.  Shortly thereafter the investigation was called off saying the organization was “satisfied.”

In an Even Stranger Turn of Events, Daniel Tosh DID NOT Joke About Rape Last Night.

Last night, Daniel Tosh went to another comedy club, as stand up comedians are known to do, and in a remarkable turn of events did NOT joke about rape last night.

Daniel Tosh broke his streak of over 1,000 nights joking about rape to his patrons.  Tosh has been in hot water over one girl being offended at one night of his rape jokes, not knowing that Tosh was going for the record of most times causing people to laugh about rape.  The previous record holder was by Andrew Dice Clay.  People have been laughing for years about his career being raped.  The previous record is ongoing but as of today is at 2,317 days making people laugh about rape.

No telling if he will start again the ambitious trek that he had embarked upon for the past few years or whether he will be forced to retire the rape jokes.

The List of Teams Dwight Howard Will Not Be Playing For…

There has been much talk about where Dwight Howard is going to play in the coming NBA season.  It is still undecided, but we thought it necessary to first rule out all of the teams he will not be playing for.  Here is a list of those teams:

New Jersey Nets
Hart High Indians
Green Bay Packers
Mighty Ducks
Los Angeles Kings
Miami Heat
Hamilton Tiger-Cats
Edmonton Drillers
Atlanta Braves (despite Chipper Jones leaving a huge opening)
Boston Cannons
Chicago Fire
California Angels
Anaheim Angels
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Columbus Crew
Team Rocket
Cleveland Cavaliers (no one in Cleveland even wants to be playing in Cleveland)
New York Jets
Carolina Hurricanes
Rochester Lancers
FC Edmonton
Edmonton Rush (Edmonton really hates that guy)
Minnesota Swarm
Cincinnati Kings
Detroit Waza
Penn State
Las Vegas Locomotives
Squirtle Squad
San Diego State Aztecs
Chinese Olympic Gymnastics (he’s like 30 years too old [he’s only 26])
Los Angeles Blues
Team Pup N’ Suds
Every slow pitch softball team
The Little Giants

No one is quite sure where Dwight Howard will be playing when the coming NBA season starts, but we can be sure about the teams he will definitely not be playing for.  And we should all talk about every single team he will not be playing for.

%d bloggers like this: