Top 5 Politician Sex Positions

We know many of you out there are curious as to how you can dull down your sex life.  So Rawful News decided it would be very pertinent to publish a story about the Top 5 Politician Sex Positions.

1. Bend Over – This is the almighty favorite of politicians to happen in the bed.  When things are about to reach the climax, instead of finishing, you will want to withdraw from the situation and bend over so you can take it.  This will dull down your sex life by never ending the reason why you started in the first place.

2. Missionary – Many would think this is more popular amongst Republicans as they are typically seen as more straight lace than Democrats.  But this is false.  Both parties are known to stick to the missionary position the entire length of sex.  Any position change would make them seem weak.  It is also the least complicated position to take so maneuverability is key.

3. Momentary Cowgirl – This is for all of the ladies out there.  This is where you have a girl begin the cowgirl position where she is on top of the man, but then immediately removed from the dominant position by the man

4. Joe the Plumber – It’s gross.  You don’t want to try it.

5. The Back Door Deal – This is where you bargain with your spouse for sex in return for some kind of goods or services.  It may be doing the dishes for a month, back rubs, or going to war with Iraq.  Either way it is shady and in the end no one is really happy.  But at least it happened.

*None of these deal with homosexual relations because as of right now, no politician will talk about homosexual relations, let alone take part in it.  Unless it’s a secret.


Ice Cube Admitted to Insane Asylum After Reportedly Being Harassed by a Coors Light Can.

Just three hours ago, the famous rapper known as Ice Cube was admitted to a Detroit insane asylum known as “Friendly Hands” after he made repeated claims a Coors Light can had been harassing him.

For months, Ice Cube has taken part in commercials depicting a can of Coors Light becoming even cooler than Ice Cube himself.  But as time went on it seems that art has become reality.  “Ice began mentioning ‘that damn Coors can’ periodically,” stated long time friend Michael Sperkenberger.  “At first we all thought it was funny.  Thought it was some self depricating humor…you know… playfully laughing at himself.  We soon realized he was not joking.”

As time went on, Ice began showing tell tale signs of ‘crazy.’  He began punching Coors Light cans, playing with his own feces, and even so much as buying a Miller Lite in public.  No one in their right mind would ever do that.  Ice Cube began calling his friends in the middle of the night telling them he was “cornered” by the cans and could not get out.  “If you don’t help me, they will make me freeze to death.  They’re so cold,” is what he told many of his close friends and family.

Ice Cube will remain in treatment indefinitely until either Coors goes out of business or until his fear of losing his cool will subside.  Or maybe when the blue rockies turn back to a metallic color.

POTUS Introduces Bill Allowing Hispanics Who are in Good Standing With the Law from Northern Mexico Between the Ages of 19 and 21 Who Have Excellent Credit and Are Currently On an Intramural Co-ed Sports Team in the Northwestern Parts of the United States Will be Free From Deportation.

Si se puede.

This week, President Obama introduced a bill that, if passed, would allow hispanics who are in good standing with the law from Northern Mexico between ages 19 and 21 who have an excellent credit score of 630 or higher and are currently on an intramural co-ed sports team in the Northwestern parts of the United States, not including Alaska, will be free from deportation.

This bill, if passed, will allow the much needed group of Hispanics from Northern Mexico between the ages of 19 and 21 who have an excellent credit score of 630 or higher and are currently on an intramural co-ed sports team in the Northwestern parts of the United States, not including Alaska, to become American citizens.  They would be free from the constant fear of deportation for any little mishap.  They would be able to work freely, learn freely, and most importantly, become an American citizen.

Some have called this a political move as they think this ground-breaking bill will be a definite boost in the demographic of Hispanics from Northern Mexico between the ages of 19 and 21 who have an excellent credit score of 630 or higher and are currently on an intramural co-ed sports team in the Northwestern parts of the United States, not including Alaska, which is a key demographic in the coming 2012 Presidential election.  President Obama is in for the fight of his life during the present campaign and he will need every key demographic imaginable.

*There is a key earmark in the bill allowing the White House Administration to kill any of these people with drones the second they break the law though.

Republicans Fear That “Everyone is Probably Gay.”

Wouldn’t you like to foot tap the crap out of this guy?

This week, the GOP released a statement identifying their greatest fear is that “Everyone is probably gay.”

The Republican Party seems to fear a lot of things: communism, socialism, equality just to name a few.  But it turns out that their number one fear is that secretly everyone is just a gay pretending to be a straight.  Homosexual rights is somewhere near the forefront of American politics nowadays with most states legalizing same-sex marriage.  Even President Obama called for marriage equality, though he side stepped the problem by deferring to the states.  More and more Americans feel welcome in living their lives openly as a member of the LGBT Community.

But Republicans see it in a different light.  Many Republicans seem to believe that homosexual acceptance is leading to more and more Americans simply wishing to be a gay.  “We have had our sneaking suspicions for years,” stated RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.  “Every day more and more Americans turn gay.  One of these days the Republican party will wake up and realize we are the only ones who want to sleep with a woman anymore.  That is, besides lesbians.  Of course after we have married her.  The straight woman not the lesbian.  Where was I going with this?  Oh yes.  Everyone is probably gay besides those who choose to be a part of the Republican Party.  Vote Romney 2012.”

In the statement they also stated that “Homosexuality is the gateway to the devil, socialism, communism, atheism, racism, rapism, reverse rapism, and wine drinkers.  All things the Republican Party has sworn against.”  The RNC plans to publish a list of ways to keep from “gaying” yourself up in the coming weeks.  Stay tuned for those.  It should be good.

Miami Heat Given 80% of a Ring for Winning 80% of a Season

At least the ring won’t weigh down their pimp hands.

The Heat, consisting of Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and probably other players, won the NBA Championship in 5 games last night.  They will soon receive their customary Championship Rings.  But there rings will be a bit different than normal.  They will only be 80% of a regular ring because that is the amount of season they played.

A typical NBA season is 82 games long.  Because of the difficulties with contract negotiations and the quarrel between the players’ association and the team owners this season was shortened.  The season automatically cut 16 games making the season 80% of what it normally is.  At the beginning of the season most teams knew that whoever won this season would have a permanent asterisk by the champion’s name.

There was a discussion to simply make the ring out of silver instead of gold because it is worth about 80% the value of gold.  But then people would confuse whether the team won or lost in the championship and received second.  So the David Stern decided the rings would just have the top chunk missing that says champion.  That way it would still show everyone the Heat are champions, but just 80% of a championship team.

Supreme Court Still Mad They Missed Out on Janet Jackson’s Nip Slip.

In an 8-0 decision by the Federal Supreme Court today, they have ruled accidental moments of vulgarity or nudity will have no affect on the networks themselves after noting that they were all “so pissed [they] missed Janet Jackson’s nip slip during halftime of the Superbowl some years back.”

Many networks have been forced to pay numerous fines regarding random or accidental violations of the FCC’s codes.  The most notable of those fines came from the halftime of a Superbowl in 2004.  That incident was cited directly in the majority opinion written by Justice Stephens stating that “because I was not glued to my television during the halftime show I missed the accidental showing.  Every showing thereafter was blurred.  What the hell?!  There is nothing furthering a necessary government agenda by keeping a nipple out of my eyeline.  Especially a famous nip!”

All of the judges were obviously frustrated at the loss of nip slip air time.  Even Justice Ginsburg voted in favor of striking down the statute.  The nine that had been sitting on the Supreme Court bench at the time had gathered for a Superbowl bbq and drink-a-thon.  During the halftime show, Ginsburg began choking on a bean dip that was far too thick to, one- handle the chips they had provided, and two- to swallow in one bite.  The creepiest man at the party, Anton Scalia decided to take it upon himself to Heimlich the hell out of her.  “Everyone thought Scalia was just giving off his usual rapey vibe, but when Ginsburg spat out what seemed like a plate full of bean dip we understood he had saved her life,” stated Justice Kennedy.  “It wasn’t until later we realized she had been the reason we missed Janet’s beautiful nipple.”  In order to appease the men of the court, Ginsburg voted with the men.

“It’s been a shit storm for her since then,” stated Justice Thomas.  “She either owed us a new famous nipple, or this vote.”  Networks will no longer be punished for accidental expletives or accidental nip slips which is an incredible day for the men of our nation.

*At the conclusion of this article all of our staff writers will be sitting by the television just waiting…

Boy Leaves House Unlocked for 5 Seconds. Finds Family Murdered.

A tragedy occurred today in the small, typically peaceful, town known as West Spring Falls, Minnesota.  All but one member of a family of five was murdered today in their home after the youngest had forgotten to lock the front door for five seconds.

Timothy Maxwell had been repeatedly reminded by his parents to lock the front door.  Despite living in a small town of merely 15,000 and having a crime rate far lower than the national and state averages, his parents always warned of the bad things that would soon follow after leaving the front door unlocked.  “This is the kind of area where people least expect crime to happen,” his mother always told him.  “We’ve had problems with attempted burglaries in the past,” she would say despite the fact that the last reported burglary was before Timothy was even born.

On a normal Saturday three weeks ago, Timothy went for a bike ride like he did on most Saturdays.  But as a method of silent protest Timothy left the door unlocked just to prove there was nothing to worry about.  He simply rode his bike around the block and was gone for no more than five minutes.  But he returned to find the door agape.  Inside he found his family, mother and father, brother and sister, murdered.  He called 911 as his family had taught him to do in case of emergencies, even though emergencies did not seem to ever happen.  Here at Rawful News, we are pretty sure the moral of this story is never question your parents paranoia.  They will be murdered if you do.

Obama’s New Campaign Video Forgot to Mention that Nasty Shit He Took Last Week.


Republicans are denouncing President Obama’s new campaign video as not being entirely truthful because it did not include that nasty dump he took last week.

President Obama’s latest campaign video highlights the stressed situation the United States was in when he took office, his helping millions of Americans become insured, and the success of the auto-bailouts.  Many of these accomplishments seemed unattainable at the beginning of his presidency.  Most said these feats could not be achieved.  But the nearly impossible has become possible.  Republicans though have been criticizing President Obama’s campaign videos for not highlighting the things he has done wrong or poorly since swearing in to office.

“Mr. President, if that’s even his real name, has done everything in his power to destroy this country,” stated Speaker Boehner.  “He has made our society a socialist one, he continues to further the devil’s agenda with homosexual marriage, and he took a dump last week in the White House and I smelled it.  Smelled like shit.”  Apparently President Obama, sometime last week, excused himself from a meeting with the Speaker and multiple cabinet members.  He spent over half an hour outside of the meeting.  Speaker Boehner became worried.  He also became filled with urine.  So he went in search of the bathroom.  When he arrived President Obama walked out and gave an awkward, yet knowing, smile.

Inside of that bathroom, Speaker Boehner discovered a smell that this world has not experience yet.  A mix of poop, skunk, an old gym towel, and Gouda cheese wafted out of the bathroom.  And because of budget cuts to the White House repair staff, all of the other bathrooms remained broken.  Speaker Boehner had no choice but to endure the weapons of mass destruction known as President Obama’s colon.  “President Obama needs to own up to his mistakes.  Even if they are as little as the economy or as big as that shit he took,” said Speaker Boehner.

The campaign video has been taken down.  Whether it is because of these nay sayers or not is irrelevant.  He is obviously afraid of this shit getting out.

%d bloggers like this: