Corporations Now Just Throwing Balls of Lawyers at Plaintiffs

A new trend has become the norm amongst America’s top corporations.  Literally, throwing balls of lawyers at plaintiffs in order to quiet the lawsuit.

Corporations have historically held giant amounts of lawyers on retainer to smite anyone who dare argue against them in a court of law.  It has become impossible to get your voice heard against the crowd of lawyers.  But this next step has taken it too far.  Corporations are now employing lawyers to simply be balled up and thrown at plaintiffs.  And so far it has been effective.

Two high profile lawsuits have been dropped recently after this tactic was employed.  The first was with a case involving McDonald’s and a cup of coffee that was apparently too cold.  The plaintiff complained that “I wanted it to be borderline scalding,” stated 47-year old Matt Bauer.  “I love the feeling of skin being burnt off of my tongue.  But when I drank it, I felt no pain.”  Bauer was on his way to the court house when a ball of lawyers came barreling out of no where and suddenly engulfed him.  The chargers were soon dropped.

The second case has to do with 62-year old Gretchen Peters.  She was suing Meow Mix for not being delicious to humans.  “How dare you make my kitties fall in love with it but not let me join in their pleasure,” said Ms. Peters (we want to emphasis the Ms. because she is definitely not married.  Didn’t even have to ask.).  Apparently Ms. Peters ingested more than the recommended amount for humans, which is any amount.  She had to have her stomach pumped.  Same thing happened with her.  On her way to court she noticed a strange shadow overhead when all of the sudden she was engulfed by a giant ball of lawyers that had been thrown at her.  The suit was soon dropped.

Rawful News attempted to find a lawyer to discuss the legality of these actions, but they were all tied up with one another in a giant ball hoping to be hired by would-be-employers.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

3 Responses to Corporations Now Just Throwing Balls of Lawyers at Plaintiffs

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