Coors Introduces Sippy Cup Beer Cans for Their Idiot Customers

Coors has introduced a new, revolutionary type of drink for their idiot customers: the sippy cup beer can.

For years, Coors has been gearing up for an event such as this.  First they made the cans that make the Rockies turn blue when they are cold enough to drink, because touching it is never enough.  Then they made the windows on the boxes to make sure people could see the blue Rockies on the cans.  Then they made the open mouth cans that allow for better flow of beer into the idiot customer’s mouth.  Because people have definitely never evolved to drinking out of a can.  Coors spent the past three years working on the new sippy cup beer cans for their customers to one-up themselves on efficiency of drunk.

“The sippy cup will allow drunkers to drink much more of our delicious beverage,” stated Coors spokeswoman Angela Handy.  “The sippy cup, along with the open mouth cans, allows for a much more enjoyable experience.  It has also taken down the average drunk time of forty five minutes to thirty two minutes.  A remarkable change by anyone’s standards.”  Coors sippy cups should reach shelves by July 4th.  This way they can reach all of the patriots by then who are looking to get drunk quick and fight someone.


Corporations Now Just Throwing Balls of Lawyers at Plaintiffs

A new trend has become the norm amongst America’s top corporations.  Literally, throwing balls of lawyers at plaintiffs in order to quiet the lawsuit.

Corporations have historically held giant amounts of lawyers on retainer to smite anyone who dare argue against them in a court of law.  It has become impossible to get your voice heard against the crowd of lawyers.  But this next step has taken it too far.  Corporations are now employing lawyers to simply be balled up and thrown at plaintiffs.  And so far it has been effective.

Two high profile lawsuits have been dropped recently after this tactic was employed.  The first was with a case involving McDonald’s and a cup of coffee that was apparently too cold.  The plaintiff complained that “I wanted it to be borderline scalding,” stated 47-year old Matt Bauer.  “I love the feeling of skin being burnt off of my tongue.  But when I drank it, I felt no pain.”  Bauer was on his way to the court house when a ball of lawyers came barreling out of no where and suddenly engulfed him.  The chargers were soon dropped.

The second case has to do with 62-year old Gretchen Peters.  She was suing Meow Mix for not being delicious to humans.  “How dare you make my kitties fall in love with it but not let me join in their pleasure,” said Ms. Peters (we want to emphasis the Ms. because she is definitely not married.  Didn’t even have to ask.).  Apparently Ms. Peters ingested more than the recommended amount for humans, which is any amount.  She had to have her stomach pumped.  Same thing happened with her.  On her way to court she noticed a strange shadow overhead when all of the sudden she was engulfed by a giant ball of lawyers that had been thrown at her.  The suit was soon dropped.

Rawful News attempted to find a lawyer to discuss the legality of these actions, but they were all tied up with one another in a giant ball hoping to be hired by would-be-employers.

TSA Deems Former Secretary Of State Henry Kissinger Nearly As Threatening As A Baby

Yesterday, the 88-year old and wheelchair-bound former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was subjected to a pat-down by Transportation Security Administration agents while boarding a flight at LaGuardia airport in New York.  Mr. Kissinger was forced to rise from the wheelchair, remove the jacket and flash his suspenders to other passengers while undergoing a pat-down.

In a statement to a Rawful News correspondent, the TSA spokesman Sterling Payne had explained the logic behind the actions of the TSA:  “The number one priority for the TSA is ensuring that our agents do not racially profile any group.  Therefore, for each male Middle Eastern-looking passenger subjected to our pat-down, in a spirit of fairness our agents will force a baby, a grandma, or a former politician in a wheelchair to submit to a search as well.  And of course we absolutely realize that grandmas, babies, and Secretaries of State pose very little danger, and that’s why our agents would tend to single them out for the pat-downs.  After all, you never know what these Middle Eastern types may have on them, and safety of our agents is our priority number two.  Although some may say that an 88-year old man in a wheelchair does not pose a security risk, but that’s what they say about the babies too.”  Mr. Payne had declined to explain the specific dangers presented by babies and people in wheelchairs, citing security concerns, but had explained that a string of recent high-profile pat-downs given to undoubtedly harmless passengers fits neatly with the TSA’s third priority, which is raising the awareness of the TSA’s hard work.
“Our number four priority is to prevent all big bottles of liquid from being smuggled onto the flights”, added the TSA  spokesman.  “Unless you pour that liquid into a several smaller bottles, and then that would make it Ok.”  When our correspondent had asked the spokesman how high the safety of the passengers ranks on the TSA’s list of priorities, Mr. Payne had answered that “it might be in the manual somewhere” and promised to get back to us.
As an additional embarrassment for the TSA, none of the TSA agents had recognized the former Secretary of State, who was also the winner of the 1973 Nobel Peace prize.  “It is somewhat awkward for the TSA not to recognize such a distinguished statesman, especially in the light of the Administration’s standard policy aimed to identify our influential and famous passengers and provide a special treatment to them.  Of course, such prominent newsmakers as Megan Fox or Kim Kardashian would not be subjected to a pat-down but would be asked to pass through a body scanner supervised by dozens of agents.”
When asked whether the TSA agents would at least recognize the sitting US President Barack Obama, Mr. Payne had assured the Rawful News that the agents most likely will.  “He’s some black guy, right?”
*This is a Guest Post by List of X.  Very funny work.  Check out their site:

Constitution Changed to One Sentence: Don’t Be An Asshole.

“Don’t be an asshole.”  That is the newly ratified Constitution of the United States of America in its entirety.

Since the ratification of our original Constitution in 1787, people have argued over the interpretation of many different parts our forefathers wrote.  From the Elastic Clause to the 14th Amendment, the induction of the 22nd Amendment to the reppeal of the 18th Amendment and ending Prohibition in the United States.  Every word of the document has been foiled over and discussed hotly.  The present Congress has put an end to all of that.  They took the one route of amending the Constitution that no United States Congress has dared to touch since 1787.  A Constitutional Convention.  Otherwise known as a complete Constitutional overhaul.

“This current Constitution is too dramatic, verbose, and controversial to get anything done,” stated Speaker of the House John Boehner.  “All of this time, the American public thought it was the quarreling and bickering between Democrats and Republicans that was causing all of this political strife.  Well it was.  But it was also our terribly complicated Constitution.”  And not just Republicans agree with this sentiment.  Democrats are extremely on board with it as well.  “I know.  We’re as shocked as you are,” stated President Barack Obama.

The American government will run similar to how it has been in the past, except that any time someone gets out of line in every day life or in the middle of Congress they will simply be reminded to “not be an asshole.”  Don’t steal things, don’t fight someone, don’t be rude.  Don’t be an asshole.  Things should be much simpler this way.

Daily Show Being Sued for False Advertisement.


The Daily Show had this past week off, unlike most Americans who were still tirelessly working into the night.  Which is the reason why viewers of the show have begun a class-action lawsuit against the famous comedy satire program for false advertising.

What’s in a name?  Apparently not that much anymore.  “The Daily Show” is high claim for a show that only airs Monday through Thursday.  That is only 4/7 of the week.  But that fact could very possibly be overlooked if they continued to air every single week.  Right now, the show is in the middle of a few week hiatus.  Not really what most would consider a “daily” occurrence Mr. Stewart.

The Daily Show and Jon Stewart have found themselves in the middle of a class action lawsuit between them and their loyal, but recently pissed off, viewers.  There are over a million signed on to the suit with more pouring in all of the time.  The lawsuit is expected to take three years and keep the show from airing anymore episodes until the network promises the show will either be aired every single day, or the name is changed to “Sporadically Aired Show.”  No word as to who will crack first.  Rawful News will keep you posted.

Eclipse Surely a Sign the 2012 Apocalypse is Coming.

Yesterday, folks all over the world joined at the same time to witness the annular solar eclipse.  Many have decided that this is a sure sign the world will come to an end in 2012.

Planets aligning has been a clear sign of the apocalypse in every doomsday movie since before movies were made.  And almost everyone is aware of the impending doom we all face.  If not on December 21, 2012, it will definitely be soon after because the way things are being run all over the world, it is not looking too good.  Typically, people are not ready to overestimate the importance of events so Rawful News is very sure that people are not overreacting.

“The end of the world is near,” stated one misinterpreted foreigner.  “It is God talking to us.  That he will block out the sun with arrows.  Or something.”  Seems logical enough.  Another expert stranger we found stated that “I’m pretty sure it is just the point of view we are at from Earth.  The moon is simply travelling blah blah blah” is what he sounded like before we tuned him out.

The question now is do we wait, or do we fight the moon from ever boxing us out from the sun again.  Nukes away.

Liberals Take to Twitter to Show LGBT Support. Conservatives Take to Myspace to Show LGBT Hate.

The first democratically elected Blackberry.

With the gay marriage issue back in the limelight, it has been easy to tell which side who is on causing an increasingly polar society in the United States.

With the invention of the internet and social media platforms, many people have been voicing their opinions on those accounts in order to be heard.  Recently, liberals took to Twitter in order to show their support for President Obama’s statements about marriage equality.  Many of the hash tags included #yayobama #gayobama #obamalovesgays #gaysloveobama #POTUSGAY and #anal.  On the other side of the political spectrum, conservatives have been showing their LGBT hate through another social media outlet.  Myspace.

The vast majority of Republicans in Congress and their respective state legislatures are still active members of the social media site that once reigned supreme until Mark Zuckerberg and company created the internet giant known as Facebook.  Myspace, which was sold for over 900 million dollars, is currently hovering around the thirty-five million mark.  But conservatives have held firm to it’s validity.  “I really like how it appeals to the niche audience of people who are afraid of Facebook,” stated Speaker John Boehner.  “I can really get my point across much easier to those who are fearful.”

Many of the messages spread around by Republicans included keywords such as “traditional marriage,” “gay marriage,” “abomination,” and “anal.”  All thirty-eight people on Myspace spread the messages around like a wildfire.

Almost Not Enough Baguettes to Go Around At French President’s Induction

Nom noms.

This past week, Francois Hollande was sworn in as President of France to much applause and cheer.

But the cheers soon ran south as the staff and citizens around began to wonder whether there would be enough baguettes for everyone.  The party was bountiful with food, music, and French wine.  Though apparently they just call it wine.  But the platter of small baguettes, typically long thin loafs of bread, was running visibly low only an hour into the ceremony.  Even before the swearing in had begun, the crowd was stirring.  “Where are more baguettes?” people shouted in their native language.  There appeared to be one platter left of the delectable bread bites as the ravenous crowd had already torn into them.

When President-elect Francois Hollande had begun the swearing in ceremony the crowd was not even paying attention.  The baguettes were completely depleted.  People even started throwing snails as a statement towards how they would rather starve than not eat baguettes.  Luckily the event was catered so once the baguettes had been finished, a new batch was being made.  So in the end there were enough to go around, but it sure was a scare unlike any other.

Francois Hollande was probably sworn in without any other hitch.

%d bloggers like this: