Terrorists Ask to be Waterboarded Because They’re so Thirsty.

That guy is no longer thirsty.

For years, the practice of waterboarding has been under attack from the ‘lamestream’ media saying that it is ineffective to torture “enemy combatants” because the information given is often unreliable.  But recently, the form of torture has become highly sought after, but from a surprising side of the argument.  The tortured.

“The members of the Taliban wish to be waterboarded repeatedly if captured.  It is so damn hot out here.  We are all so thirsty.  Please help.  Death to America.”  In Iraq, the average temperature is around 120 degrees Fahrenheit (48 degrees Celsius for you terrorists and Europeans out there).  One can only imagine the dehydration that must occur during those long summer trainings that include jungle gyms and crawling on the ground (that’s about all they do we guess because that’s about all that is ever shown).

Republicans revel this as a great step forward in the humane use of torture.  “For once those terrorists are making sense,” spat Rush Limbaugh.  “I actually agree with these terrorists.  I also agree that Obama is a Muslim.  I also want to know if you listeners out there don’t finish your lunches, bring them here.  I will destroy your leftovers.”

The American Government has never been more confused.  If they don’t torture, the terrorists win.  If they do torture the terrorists win.  It almost seems as if this battle is pointless and will have no victory either way.  Something that is completely unheard of in American foreign policy.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

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