Colonoscopies: Necessary Medical Procedure or Democrats Pushing Their Liberal Agenda? We Investigate.

For years, men who reach the age of 50 are told they need a colonoscopy to make sure their colon does not have any problems that could one day threaten their lives.

But recently the “necessary” medical procedure has come under fire as most men are arguing “What the fuck are you doing up there?!”

Many have rumored that the procedure is not only completely unnecessary, but an attempt at furthering the liberal agenda.  Let’s take a look at how colonoscopies are connected to the liberal agenda.

1. Liberals have been fighting for LGBT rights for a couple years including a push for gay marriage in many states across the United States.  Colonoscopies are about the gayest thing most men will experience in their life minus that one time in college but you were drunk so what does it matter?  It is one man placing a long rod up your anal cavity.

2. Colonoscopies would be one of the many outpatient procedures that Obamacare would mandate private insurances to cover.  It is a proven fact that Obamacare is socialism (Science pg. 172) and socialism has been on the liberal agenda for years.  This would only bring them one step closer to electing the devil and destroying the world as we know it.

3. Democrats are notorious for denouncing the role of war in our society.  Instead they would just rather lay around and have men stick things up their anus.  ‘Pacifists’ basically means anal sex.

So in conclusion, Rawful News has found many links between colonoscopies and the liberal agenda the Democrats are constantly pushing up our buttholes.  When you turn fifty and are told to have your colon checked, just remember it is basically checking Democrat on your voter registration form.


Everyone Besides You and Your Friends is in Skull and Bones

A new study was recently published by the Journal of Leisure Studies stating that everyone besides you and your friends is in the secret society Skull and Bones.

Skull and Bones, for those of you few weirdos who have not seen the movie The Skulls featuring Joshua Jackson, is a secret society that many notable politicians and well-connected businessmen have been a part of.  A list of members from this society was recently leaked by a hacker group though we cannot figure out who because apparently they were anonymous.  The list is quite extensive and includes basically everyone you could ever imagine, except for yourself and your friends.

It was originally thought that only people like John Kerry or the Bush family were a part of the Skull and Bones.  So when  people try to publicly oust those people bad things have happened (  But that is most likely because the only people that were being put on the spot included more powerful people.  The janitors, doctors, house wives, etc., were not asked if they were a member of the Skull and Bones in a public forum.  So why would they ever tell anyone?

The study also reveals that if you ask them though they will still say they are not in the Skull and Bones because that is exactly what they want you to think.  You and your friends were not invited to the group in order to keep some level of secrecy from someone.  It just happened to be you.

Kid Bullied For Being Gigantic Pussy

"Little bitch"

This story is all too common nowadays.  Another kid bullied for being a gigantic fucking pussy.

Bullying has become an epidemic in this country.  Especially the bullying of giant pussies.  No one ever decides to bully the Homecoming King or give a noogie to the quarterback of the football team.  It is always the weaker, pussy of a human being that ends up being picked on.  That is exactly what happened to Edward Stephens.

Edward Stephens is like most kids at the age of sixteen.  Young, somewhat reserved, enjoys the internet and his iPod.  But there is one big difference: he is the physical embodiment of a vagina.  His max bench press is the bar (45lbs), he has never gone to ‘second base,’ and he has openly discussed his World of Warcraft account in public.  As if that is an ok thing to do.  He has been tormented for months because of his pussy status in school.

He has become even more of a pussy because of this by shutting himself into his homework and computer.  He has decided to get a head start on the pussiest of majors, computer science.  That extra practice and head start on college academia will only mean one thing: more bullying.  Then after he leaves college that will only mean one thing: bullying in the work place.  Then after the work place that will only mean one thing: death.  That is exactly how every kid who is bullied lives his life.  The lesson to learn from his story is to not be a pussy.  Bullying could ruin your life.

iPad 3 to Release Later This Year. iPad 4 to Release Three Weeks Later.

Apple released a statement last week revealing that the iPad 3 will be hitting a store near you sometime later this year.  They then quickly followed with another statement revealing the iPad 4 will be out three weeks later.

Most Americans (at least those with a heart) are very excited to see what new features the third installment of iPads will bring to the table.  Many have plans to toss their old iPads and start completely over for a sleeker design and undoubtedly better screen quality.  But soon after most people have become acclimated to the new version of the iPad they will have to reboot their minds once again because a better even sleeker version of the iPad 3 will be coming out three weeks later.

This version will have an even sleeker design with an even higher picture resolution and even better camera quality.  All of these even better aspects to the iPad 4 will make it a must have for the late summer months of 2012.  If you happen to decide to stick with the iPad 3 your life will most likely be much worse for it and you will probably die alone.  No word as of yet about the prospective release date for the iPad 5 but it will probably be five days after the iPad 4.  Happy shopping!

Babies in Arizona Being Told to “Learn English or Get Out of Our Country.”

What an adorable terrorist.

This past week, the Arizona State Legislature passed a bill requiring all babies to learn English and quit with all that “baby talk.”

For years, babies have been speaking their native tongue which no one in the United States has been able to understand.  Whether it is caused by the lack of funds for babilingual classes, an unwillingness to learn, or the fact that our country is not closely surrounded by countries speaking other baby languages, Americans are notorious for not speaking baby talk.  This prejudice has come to the forefront of our televisions with the passing of “Googoo gonegone,” a bill designed to force babies to learn English, or spend time in jail.  Or timeout.

“English is the language of the future.  Everyone speaks it.  If you don’t, you are a terrorist,” stated long time State Senator Alan Higgins.  “Babies have historically never spoken English.  They need to if they wish to integrate into the American way of life.  If they don’t wish to integrate, why are they here?  Learn English idiots.”

The bill states that every month the baby refuses to learn English, they will receive a thousand minutes of time out.  They can have time reduced by proving that there are attempts being made at learning English.  No telling whether or not the Supreme Court will knock this unprecedented bill down.  But this will definitely create a much bright future for Americans all around.

North Korean Missile Blows Load Too Soon

Boom goes the dynamite

North Koreans were very embarrassed this past week after their missile blew it’s load too soon.

North Koreans attempted to show how powerful and strong their might is by sending up a missile into the beautiful cloud bosom.  All previous attempts had finished unsuccessfully.  But this time the Koreans knew they would “man up” and their missile would last the time it needed in order to make an impression on Mother Earth.

But sadly for the North Koreans, their missile lost its stuff shortly after exiting the gate.  The anticipation had been palpable across North Korea and is most likely one of the reasons the missile could not maintain.  North Koreans have released a statement saying that it’s not “used to days that are so hot.”  It was reportedly a much hotter day than the Koreans usually ever come in contact with.  Also, apparently the gate the missile came from was much too tight an area for the rocket which most likely played a large role in the early finish.  And finally, just the fact that this has never really been tried before by the North Koreans.  Except for those two other times, but they were drunk so what do you want from them?!

North Korea will undoubtedly shoot another rocket again someday.  But the world will probably never look at them the same again.

*We realize this is practically old news by now, but we got busy ok?!  Dick.

Americans Confused How to Feel About Newark Mayor’s “Heroism”

Bad to the boner

Newark, NJ Mayor Cory Booker was recently admitted to the hospital for smoke inhalation and second degree burns after rescuing his elderly neighbor from a fire.  This has left Americans very confused as to how they should hate this.

Americans in recent years have been notorious for hating politicians for anything and everything they do.  Rightfully so on many occassions, but it has gotten to a point where even a show of heroism can be seen as a sign of weakness or unpatriotism.  As is true in the case of recent “hero” Cory Booker.

“I personally don’t trust a man who doesn’t trust the firemen to do their job.  Never forget 9/11,” said one passerby.  “I bet he started the fire just to save that lady,” said another.  Have we reached a point of no return in this country where politicians can do no right?  Yes.  Good luck trying to keep the ambition alive to help Americans all you future politicians out there.  They don’t want it.

New Episode of “How I Banged So Many Chicks Before I Met Your Mother” on Tonight

Tonight, another new episode of “How I Banged So Many Chicks Before I Met Your Mother” is airing.  Watch Ted, as he tells his kids about all of the many carnal conquests before the time he actually met the only person they actually care about in the story, their mother.

The story also includes Ted’s four best friends: Lily, Marshall, Robin, and Barney.  The four of them attempt to help Ted in his attempts to “find his future wife” but what ends up being a never ending story of Ted sleeping with hundreds of women.  Find out which women will fall to Ted’s innocent charm act and how he is simply trying to find “the one.”  He has definitely found more than one in the process.

The show airs every Monday on CBS at 8pm eastern.  Stay tuned until the final season when Ted will undoubtedly find his wife on the final moments of the final episode thus ending his story he has been telling his children.  I am sure they are very proud of their romantic and kind-hearted father.

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