LMFAO Forgot To Shuffle Yesterday

LMFAO reportedly forgot to shuffle yesterday, reports the bands manager.

The popular electro pop duo became widely known because of their smash hit song, “Party Rock Anthem” this past year.  It has been in everything from commercials, to sports, to your grandmother’s radio.  One of the most popular and widely repeated lyrics of the song is “everyday I’m shufflin.'”  Apparently that lyric no longer holds a hundred percent true.

“The band just got really busy and lost track of time,” reports Band Manager Flip-flop.  “They meant to but because of album signings, appearances, charity events, sleeping with hot beezies, and counting their money, they simply forgot to.  I blame myself.  I’m their manager.  I will soon be stepping down.”

No word as of yet on whether or not the song lyric “everyday I’m shufflin'” will be changed to something more correct like “usually you can find me shufflin'” or “most days I am probably shufflin’ at some point or another.”


Supreme Court to Decide: Government’s Terrible Health Insurance or Awful Private Insurances

The controversial health care bill, known popularly as “Obamacare” is about to reach its final verdict.  The Supreme Court will discuss the constitutionality of Barack Obama’s highly contested health care legislation and decide once and for all whether Americans will be using the government’s terrible health insurance plans or awful private insurance systems.

The way the Supreme Court vote will most likely go is Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor, and Elena Kagan voting in favor of the terrible government health care plan.  While on the other hand, Justices Alito, Thomas, Scalia, and Roberts will most likely vote in favor of upholding the awful private health insurance plans we already had.  And the deciding vote will come down to whether Kennedy believes that the terrible government health insurance or the awful private insurance should take precedent.

Only time will tell which system American citizens will be forced to die clinging to.  That and the majority opinion put out by the Supreme Court.  But of course no one is going to read that.

Santorum Insists Pink Does Not Exist

Santorum recently stated in a speech to another random part of the country no one else visits, that it is a fact, that “pink does not, and has not, and will never exist.”

Recently, scientists have become baffled with the question of whether pink is a naturally occurring color.  Or whether our views of pink is just a lighter red or some kind of hybrid of multiple colors, similar to the way there is no black, but simply a mixture of all the other colors.  Rick Santorum has put our minds to ease about this entirely non-controversial topic.  “Pink is definitely the gayest of all colors,” Santorum stated.  “There is no doubt about that.  And since homosexuality is just a choice, then so is the color pink.  We choose to see pink, instead of seeing hetero sex.”

When Santorum was reminded that he is not a scientist and does not have any authority or expertise in the matter, Santorum became furious.  “You dare ask me about science?! You know what my science is?  The Bible and the Constitution of the United States of America, the freest country in the world.  That’s my science.  JFK makes me sick.”

There you have it folks, Santorum has commented on yet again another topic he knows nothing about with no facts to back it up and about a topic that has no effect on the majority of Americans’ everyday lives.  Santorum 2012.

Men of Congress Required to Wear Pregnancy Belly for 9 Months

With all of this talk about restricting the American woman’s ability to get a hold of contraception, apparently nobody read the bills that were going through Congress to do so.

Earmarks are a massive headache for Congressmen and women, even though most use them very regularly to create beneficial acts for their districts.  Sometimes they include provisions like Alaska’s legendary “bridge to no where.”  That bridge goes to no where but it did create countless jobs in Alaska, helping to boost their economy.  In a recent bipartisan bill simply asking all public universities to install waterless urinals, the women of Congress apparently pressured the men of Congress to put in an earmark or else withhold sex forever.  When reminded that no one has sex with those women, they brought up the fact that all women know each other.  And they could easily get husbands and more importantly mistresses to abstain.

So the men put in the bill an earmark that would require all males who denigrate the ability to receive contraception quietly and without shame from employers or the world around them, to wear a pregnancy belly for 9 months straight to give them a little glimpse into the difficulties of carrying a child.  So if in the coming months you see John Boehner or Paul Ryan looking a little more plump, you know why.

U.S. Government Sends a ‘Condolences’ Card to Afghani Families.

Told ya it was lovely.

This past week, a rogue American soldier killed 17 Afghani civilians and wounded many others.

There is no section of the Constitution that dictates how to properly handle this situation.  Forty years ago, without the internet, this could have easily been overlooked as just another act of war.  But nowadays people actually feel bad when word of this situation gets around.  So the government needed to step in and alleviate the situation.

That is where the Condolences card came into play.  President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Bro Biden reportedly went to their local Walgreens, where they spent approximately fourteen minutes chasing after the perfect card that would really embody how The White House Staff and the American people as a whole truly felt.

You can see the card the trio landed at the end of their search at the top of the article.  It is very pretty and will undoubtedly create a sense of gratitude amongst the Afghani victims for the American government keeping them in their thoughts and prayers.  That will definitely make everything feel all better.

Here is a list of what the three said on the inside of the card:

Hillary Clinton: I have literally been crying nonstop.  I can’t stop thinking about how I could’ve stopped this.  Or just how this will affect me in the future.  It’s important to think about yourself in times like this. -Hillary Clinton

Bro Biden: Have I ever told you folks about the time when I came across a dying squirrel in the streets?  Next time you’re around remind me to tell you about it. – Bro.

Barack Obama: My bad. – The Big O

Everything is Covered in Feces. Everything.

A recent study done by San Diego State University proves all our worst fears have been realized.  Literally everything has feces on it.

In a 12 month double blind study (whatever that means) members of SDSU’s Ph.D. Biology program tested everything for feces, otherwise known as “poopoo” or “doodoo.”  “It really seemed like we were hearing about a new thing that has traces of poop on it every couple of months,” stated Ph.D. candidate Bob Newhart (no relation).  “Doorknobs, cell phones, tooth brushes, movie theatre seats, hotel bedsheets.  They all had feces.  So we thought, ‘Maybe everything has doodoo on it.'”

And that’s exactly what they proved.  Children’s toys, apples, door hinges, light bulbs, mirrors, salad bowls, tequila, every single tweet all had trace amounts of crap on it.  Because we are all disgusting animals just farting, rubbing, and pooping everywhere, everything apparently has just a little bit of shit on it.  So wash your hands, or leave the bathroom with pants still on the ground.  It does not matter.  You are covered in shit.

Dennis Kucinich to Star in Upcoming Leprechaun Series Reboot

Newly unemployed Dennis Kucinich is set to play the Leprechaun in a Fox Studios reboot of the Leprechaun series.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich has been a member of the House of Representatives, proudly representing Ohio’s 10th District since 1997.  In this past election cycle, Kucinich, for the first time in sixteen years, has lost his seat in Congress.  Kucinich has been known for many things through out his career in Congress.  We can not think of any except for the fact that he is short.  Really short.  And we are assuming that is what our readers can remember as well.

Fox Studios has been talking about rebooting the cult 80’s cult classic Leprechaun series for years now, but have had no perfect lead to play the Leprechaun.  Someone who, without makeup, still has a little scrunch to his face.  Someone who has big ears.  And someone who despite years of attempting to be taken seriously, is still just seen as a short person.  With Kucinich’s recent loss in Ohio, he is amongst the millions of unemployed in this nation.  But Fox hopes not for long.

Talks have begun between the two camps that would ultimately pay him a small nominal fee for appearing as the Leprechaun in the film and subsequent mall tour to promote the film.  He will have the costume surgically attached to his body indefinitely until the movies either become unsuccessful, or he dies.  Because what does a lifetime politician with no other discernible skills do for a living besides dress up as a leprechaun?

Herman Cain Airboarded a Goldfish

Probably deserved it.

In a recent commercial put out by Herman Cain’s PAC, Cain tortures a poor, helpless animal for the sake of portraying a message.  What message?  That Herman Cain hates animals.

Most Americans are aware of waterboarding because of the United States’ controversial use of the torture tactic against those suspected of terrorist entanglements.  Many are not aware of it’s much lesser known cousin: Airboarding.

Airboarding is the act of taking a fish or underwater mammal and putting them on dry land for extended periods of time so the fish believes it is rowning in air.  Before it actually drowns, the fish is put back in water.  There are many reasons for airboarding a fish: information on where certain fish hang out, to teacher those fuckers a lesson, or worst of all for sport.

It has been rumored for years that Herman tortures fish.  But there was no proof, until his latest ad revealed his dark tendencies.  Animal activist groups are completely livid, demanding he step down from his position as former Presidential candidate.  No word as of yet from the Cain camp as to what his plan of unlimited money will include next.  Because he legally does not have to say shit.

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