Exclusive Interview with Al Gore: “I invented the Oscars.”

He ate all of the fake fruit on the table before he left

Al Gore has been out of the public eye for some while. That lack of recent public clout allowed us an opportunity to interview him.

He mainly talked about global heating and “science” but all we heard was a lot of “blah blah blah.”  Like seriously what else is new Doctor Depressing!  (We want to remind our readers that Al Gore is not a doctor.  But he is depressing.)  What really caught our attention was a mention, in passing, of the upcoming Academy Awards and a statement he made regarding the awards ceremony.  “Well you know I actually invented the Oscars.”  We tentatively replied with “Shut the fuck up Al Gore.”

For the next thirty five minutes, Gore began explaining the origins of the Oscars and how he played a crucial role in the creation of America’s annual awards ceremony.  None of that makes any sense because the first Academy Awards took place in 1928, well before Gore was born.  But who knows with that guy.  Maybe earthly heating was around back then too.  Maybe his precious “science” can explain that one.  What was I typing about?


Rawful News Cover – Al Gore

silly little man.

Republicans to Boycott CBS’ Big Bang Theory.

In a statement from the Republican National Committee, it states that Republicans will be boycotting CBS’ hit comedy sitcom “The Big Bang Theory.”

There was no mention as to whether they thought the show had any merit or quality to their comedic style. It was only mentioned that it is just one show out there and that people should look to other shows before they immediately watch the Big Bang Theory. They believe the title to be misleading and that by putting such a false belief into our everyday culture, it only helps perpetuate the falsity that is science.

Republicans recommend watching Jerseylicious instead because it’s a much more logical show.

Women on the Front Lines to Receive Makeover!!!!!

Def had work done on those lips!

This past week, the White House announced that the women on the front lines will be receiving a much needed makeover.

Up until recently, women were not allowed to serve on the front lines of combat because of archaic feelings about what women are capable of.  The women in the military of changed the minds of our nation’s leaders and have shown they are tough enough to serve on the front lines.  But they surely can’t go to war in a very dangerous area looking all drab and yucky now can they!

Which is why the White House’s next course of action is to set up a new committee: Keeping Our Frontline Women Pretty.  Since women are now truly equal in the military, we need to make sure they are always looking their best.  That is the truly important issue.  And we all know that when a woman says she is mad about the dishes, she is really mad you did not compliment her new haircut.  Many think their attempts to get on the front lines were really just a complaint about their ugly outfits.

No one is sure who will design the new outfits.  Many in Congress have thrown around the names Ed Hardy and Von Dutch because they heard “those are the cool designers.”  When most Congressmen were asked what material the new outfits would be and both wool and silk were thrown out, though nothing is set in stone.  “Ask my wife.  She’s the boss,” said Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich.

We here at Rawful News are super duper excited to see what those old men can come up with for these beautiful and strong women.

Newly Found Planet Can Only Mean One Thing…

Hopefully we'll build a theme park there soon.

Recently, NASA found what they think to be the first discovered inhabitable planet outside of our solar system.  The newly discovered planet, or Gliese 581g, is entirely covered in water which is what many believe (besides Republicans) how our Earth was once.  This is an incredible breakthrough in the search for extraterrestrial life.  But it does lead to an interesting thought.  Did God create this planet because he has given up on ours?  We think so.

War, genocide, famine, Justin Bieber, bar fights, breast augmentation, high fructose corn syrup, internal combustion engines, pollution, racism, sexism, species-ism, homophobia, pedophilia, zionism, Carlos Mencia, Adolf Hitler, people who call Obama Adolf Hitler, fast food, Snooki’s book, Snooki, etc.  The list goes on and on of reasons why God would no longer have faith in humankind.

This theory is corroborated in a statement from NASA.  “We here at NASA believe that if there is a God, he or she, has completely given up on us.  God has been trying to give us a helping hand for some time.  But in our short history we have completely ignored all of his warnings.  So God has started over.  And that’s where Gliese 581g comes into play.”

God has made no comment yet on whether he has given up on Earth and started over.  Which nine times out of ten means it is true.  One thing is certain though.  The grass is definitely greener on that planet.

Rawful New Cover – Ron Paul

Congress Outlaws Discriminating Against Others’ Discriminations

That white chess piece must be so scared.

This President’s Day, most Americans enjoyed their days off by bbqing, relaxing, seeing a movie, and spending time with friends and family.  In Congress, they were hard at work passing a bill that would effectively outlaw discriminating against others’ discrimination’s once and for all.

For years, when people discriminated against others for their race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion, they themselves felt persecuted and alienated.  Congress, a well-known discriminating organization, knows exactly how that can feel.  So they are in the process of passing S.B. 2022, aka the “Just Stop” bill.  The most recent case of discrimination on the basis of discriminating involves the proponents of California’s Proposition 8 effectively banning same-sex marriage.  They felt their views were being impeded by those wishing to obtain a legal route to marriage.  And that’s not what this country was founded on.  It was founded on the ability to discriminate as one pleases.

Supporters of this bill include: proponents of California’s Proposition 8, Mormons, Republicans, Newt Gingrich (who signed the petition to pass it several times), Rick Santorum, people who call themselves Christians but have never read the Bible, One Million Moms, and Flo from the Progressive Commercials.

So now when service is refused to someone on the basis of race, or marriage is refused on the basis of sexual orientation, there can be no legal repercussions.  Because that is just someone’s opinion, and opinions are never wrong.

New Pictures of Hitler Reveal he was Colored.

New photos released this past week reveal a different side of the infamous Adolf Hitler.  A colored one.

Most of the video and photography coming from World War II and before show Hitler only in his natural black and white state.  This is the way most people view Hitler when his name is mentioned.  But these new photos reveal that Hitler was actually colored.  This has created some controversy with people who are still worried about evil dictators no longer living.  Many have begun to question his hatred towards those that are colored.  “I know he hated Jews and he was one, and now I know he hated coloreds and I can see he was one also.  What next?  Find out that he wasn’t blonde hair and blue eyed?!” says Kyle Hobbs, a San Diego State History major.

Skinheads are very overwhelmed by the new pictures as well.  “It’s like growing up your whole life loving and respecting your father, only to find out, that he’s a black guy.  I’m devastated.  I might as well become a dirty Jew.”  They argued that the liberal media, aka History Channel, has been adding color to his videos for years trying to further the liberal Jew agenda.  “But this stuff is the real deal.  No more questions please.  I need to reflect.”  Those guys use the word Jew A LOT.

These new pictures are important because they alter our view of history and show who Hitler really was: A colored Jew.

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