Newt’s Daughter Becomes Ill. Put up for Adoption.

This past Tuesday, a report came out from Newt Gingrich’s daughter Kathy Gingrich Lubbers, that she had taken ill.  The report stated that “it was nothing to worry about, it was just a common cold.  But she would be missing a few appearances so she could recover.”  Another separate but very related report came out from Newt Gingrich’s camp saying that “Newt will soon be filing papers effectively disowning his eldest daughter Kathy.”

An associate close to the father-daughter duo said that after hearing of Newt’s plans, Kathy quickly called her father to ask “What the fuck do you mean disowning me?”  Newt gave her the run around for about fifteen minutes until he basically told her that they needed a clean break.  Also that they could have an open parenthood allowing him to have other children.  Kathy replied that he can already have other children.  That’s why she has a sister.  But Newt thought it was ridiculous anyone was questioning him in the first place.  She also attempted to reason with him saying that she simply had a common cold, not something as extreme as cancer or multiple sclerosis.  But Newt simply put fingers in his ears and sang an unknown song until Kathy gave up and hung up.

Many have said that Newt lacks the moral character to be President.  But isn’t it possible that he just dislikes things that are weak?  We can only hope that if he does become President of the United States, that America does not come down with anything like a depression.  Because that means Newt will bone the fuck out.


Seventy-Three Children Arrested in Sidewalk Graffiti Ring

This Friday, 73 children were arrested in what is being called the “largest sidewalk graffiti bust of all time.” Graffiti has become a major problem in our day and age. The defacing of public and private property is not just annoying, but costs millions in unnecessary damages every single year. Many of those damages coming to sidewalks.

For years sidewalks have been a major target of graffiti “artists.” Whether it be a flower, the sun, misshapen animals, or plans for an Al-Qaeda bomb plot, we have seen them across our beautiful streets for years. But because they appear typically in the hours most of us are at work, it has been near impossible to catch these hooligans.

Well in a moment of serendipitous discovery, FBI Agent Hank Hoeffel returned home from another frustrating and fruitless day at the office searching for countless, and more importantly faceless, patrons of the graffiti world. He sat in his regular couch seat, drank his regular beer and sat his daughter on his lap to ask about her day hoping it would cheer him up.

Unfortunately it would do the exact opposite. He saw that a weird residue was on his suit. When he searched for the cause he realized it was his daughter. He had the ring leader of the chalk gang right underneath his nose all along. He gasped but knew what must be done. He placed her in custody. Upon further investigation he found hundreds of pieces of chalk and a diary filled with names of accomplices.

“This has been the hardest case of my life. But justice has been served. And that is what is most important.”

Rick Santorum Just as Surprised as Everyone Else.

Rick Santorum is doing well lately. Well, just ok. But as far as most of us are concerned, he is doing extremely well. Up until three weeks ago, no one thought this guy had a fighting chance in hell to make an impact on the Republican primary race. But he is actually doing quite well now. Third place on average. And that’s out of four! Pretty dang good. But the American public is not the only group that is surprised. Apparently, so is Rick Santorum.

“I was pretty much expecting to pull a Herman Cain. Get some good publicity. Write a book. And get paid for some speeches on how I could’ve changed America but America was apparently not ready to hear it. What the hell is happening now is beyond me,” says Santorum. “If you googled my name a month ago it would come up with, well let’s just say I didn’t like what it came up with.  I hope your magazine won’t publish it either”. In case you were wondering it’s “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that’s sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”. Pretty gnarly.

No one can be sure if Rick Santorum will ever become President. What we can be sure of is the fact that it probably won’t be this year.

Rawful News Cover – Arne Duncan

Definitely looks like an Arne

Is the Current Mrs. Gingrich a Sex Doll?

Oh wow.

There are many fake things in D.C. politics.  Promises, speeches, threats, Presidents *coughWcough.*  But the fakeness is possibly at an all time high.  Many have theorized that the current Mrs. Gingrich is actually a poorly constructed sex doll.

Many have not thought about this until someone mentions “I think Mrs. Gingrich is a sex doll.”  To which case everyone has replied “Ahhhhh yeah.  I can definitely see that.”  Let’s face it.  Her skin is far too tight and nice to be a human.  She rarely ever moves and definitely never speaks.  That could be just because she is stricken with fear.  Newt is a powerful man.  But mainly because of that smile.  It is kind of a lifeless, “yes I’m enjoying this” type of smile.  A smile that has never left her face since she came onto the the political scene that is Newt’s life.  It is possible that she is just constantly facing a giant fan, but what is much more likely, is that Newt outsourced finding his wife to the Japanese who created a cyborg that will undoubtedly have sex with him.  If anyone gets close enough, touch her skin and email us at  Let us know what her skin feels like and/or if she reacts.

Mitt Romney Unveils New Campaign Slogan.

You'd be crazy not to.

Mitt Romney received a boost in his campaign yesterday with the sudden and expected dropping out of Jon Huntsman. Those few Mormons that supported Huntsman will surely switch to Romney’s team. But there’s another factor that will surely help his case. His new slogan: Have yourself comMITTed, you’d be crazy not to.

Every great politician needs a campaign slogan or headline. Obama had “Change.” McCain had “Country First.” Howard Dean had “Aaaaahhhhh!” And not a minute too soon. Romney’s campaign has been pressured by Ron Paul these past few months and considering the fact that most Americans will have no idea what either candidates’ views are, a strong slogan is more integral than having slightly peppered temples.

“Have Yourself ComMITTed: You’d be crazy not to,” is as strong a campaign slogan as he is going to get. Governor Romney said in a statement “People need to realize they are crazy if they don’t support me. I’m rich. Republicans love rich. ComMITT yourself or die.”

Only time will tell if enough people will have themselves comMITTed to the craziness that is the Romney campaign. What we can say for sure, is that Romney supporters are crazy. Crazy for Romney.

Scientists Discover Dogs Really Thinking What You Are Saying.

Who needs a husband, right?

Dog lovers world-wide will undoubtedly revel in the news that came out this Thursday about their beloved canine companions. Science has proven that dogs are actually thinking exactly what their masters are saying for them.

If you have ever owned a dog, or been around a dog owner, they typically speak for their dogs as if they were a 1920s housewife who shan’t speak in public. “I’m hungry mommy,” is a popular one. “I never thought you’d return!” is another popular one. “You don’t need a boyfriend, because you have me,” is probably less popular but I’m sure is out there as well.

In a twelve week study done by a state university, scientists measured the brain waves of canines as well as the brain waves of their masters. Brain waves peaked at the same time in the same exact ways whenever a master would speak for their canine counterpart. And even more remarkable was the fact that besides those moments, the dog owners had almost no brain waves at all when they were thinking or discussing things other than their dogs. Literally, zero activity.

Rawful News Cover – Steven Chu

Steven Chu - Secretary of Energy

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