The Most Profitable Job in 2011: Pollers.

Unless you have been in a coma or are one of those kids who is kept in a cage from birth on, you know that the economy is in a rut. Every area of employment is experiencing a rough patch to say the least. And the term “not hiring” has become the most common one all over the world. But a recent study done by South Texas of Fremont University showed that there is still one job that is paying better than ever before. Pollers.

The people who poll the public, have random statistics about public opinion, and give us the random sentiments like “Ten percent of Americans think bestiality is wrong,” are in an increasingly profitable stage. In this study, it showed that 50% of pollers have received a raise in the past year, 40% of those having nearly doubled their salary. One hundred percent of Americans were unaware that this was even a career. Seventeen percent of a random polling of people on the street stated that they would “beat down anyone who got a raise this year.” The other 83% would not talk to us so we are assuming that 83% of Americans are dicks.

Not everyone can fall into this career. It takes a specific brand of nerd. This kind of nerd needs a bachelor’s degree in statistics. And since statistics is stupid and difficult, it would only make sense that if you can sit through four years of statistics training, you deserve to make a good paycheck.

For some reason, 100% of Americans want to know what 100% of people think about 100% of things. Which gives these anonymous and supposedly unbiased pollers job security like no other. So if you are completely lost and without full-time employment like around 18% of Americans are, then it may be time for a switch.


Ron Paul’s Key Demographic: Creepy Uncles.

Each of the Republican candidates needs to know who is in their key demographic. Newt has the far right. Mitt has the Mormon vote. Jon Huntsman has his dad. But who does that leave for poor old Ron Paul? The creepy uncles.

You know them. I know them. Everyone’s got one. The uncle who stands just a little bit too close. He gives you savings bonds for your birthday that will mature in thirty years to thirty five dollars. He talks about his sexual conquests too much though you are pretty sure he has never talked to a woman before. This demographic, a recent poll shows, is overwhelmingly planning to vote for Ron Paul in the 2012 Primaries. Ninety-five percent of creepy uncles have put their full weight behind the presidential hopeful. “Yeah I’ll put my weight behind Ron Paul if you know what I mean…*cackling laugh* But seriously I really agree with his ideas.” We wanted to interview the creepy uncles we met more, but honestly all of their houses smelled of cedar and hard candies. So we decided to get out of there as soon as possible. But while we were sprinting out of there with reckless abandonment each one of them shouted “He looks exactly like me! That’s really all that matters to me!” And isn’t that what’s really important to everyone when looking for a candidate?

Rawful News Cover – Shaun Donovan

Shaun Donovan - Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Rawful News’ Most Fascinating People of 2011!!!!

There have been a slew of fascinating people and events this year. The tenth anniversary of 9/11, Kris Humphries getting married to some no name, as well as sending troops into Libya for who knows what reason. But our writers have managed to narrow down things to the three most interesting people of 2011. And we think you’ll be pleased.

Newt Gingrich

Old Frumps

Newt Gingrich is no stranger to being in the headlines of American politics. But the reason we picked him to be one of our most interesting people in 2011, is because of his meteoric return to the political scene. Newt Gingrich went from completely forgotten, to ‘is he kidding himself?’ in this race between Republicans, to ‘omg he may be our guy.’ All of the while having more skeletons in his closet than the Manson Family. His past is full of infidelity, lobbying positions, and a Twitter account followed by over a million fake accounts. Who can trust a guy that has fake followers?! Apparently all of the Republicans who are unaware of Twitter’s existence. There is simply no denying that it takes a supremely interesting person to overcome those things in what is typically a battle of personalities and hidden secrets than in policy practices. So not only has Newt won our Sexiest Man Alive, but he is now on the list of Most Interesting People. What a year this guy is having. Oh yeah and a possible candidacy.

Rick Perry

Num nums

Rick Perry has made our list of Most Interesting People in 2011 for many reasons. The first reason is his uncanny likeness to our former President, George W. Bush. Sure they both were Governors of Texas, and sure their IQ’s are both lingering around 90. But just the similarity in their voices alone is uncanny. The reason why this is interesting is because W’s approval rating was dismal by the time he left office and it had come to the point where many Americans cringed at the very sound of his voice. The second reason why he made our list is because of his most famous accomplishment in Texas: over 200 death penalties served. With two wars being waged and another coming to a close one would think that killing people on our own home turf would bring just as much criticism. But instead it is the reason why he has become as popular as he has. But the main reason he made our list is because of his family ranch in Texas. What’s the name of the ranch you ask? ‘Niggerhead.’ And he’s still alive. That’s why he is interesting.

President Barack Obama

Thumbs up for his new title!

Barack Obama is receiving our Most Interesting Person of 2011 title for one reason. His uncanny ability to not make Americans happy. The American morale seems to be at an all-time low with little hope for the future of our once great nation. While it is debatable whether or not President Obama has helped or hindered our growth, it is clear that even his most notable achievements (killing Osama Bin Laden, creating massive health-care reform) people still cannot achieve happiness. Those that wanted Osama dead were praising the Bush Administration for their work put in place to achieve this. Those that are against all forms of war were not happy because it is only furthering violence. He created health care reform which some call “socialism” while others call it a “sorry excuse for an attempt at Universal Healthcare.” President Obama has even loosened regulations on gun rights, but continues to fight gun rights activists. Our President seems to be the most polarizing individual in political history. And that’s why he is our “Most Interesting Person of 2011.”

*Editor’s Note – All womens’ feelings were hurt in the making of this article for not being picked.

*Also in the running were Rupert Murdoch for his shadiness, and Michelle Bachmann for those devilish eyes.

Man Has Mobile Devices Surgically Attached to Hands

More permanent than a tattoo.

We are in the age of singularity folks. For those of you that don’t know, singularity is a term that refers to humans and technology become increasingly intertwined until one day we become one in the same. There, we all up to speed? Good. Well the singularity is not supposed to occur for a few years yet, but apparently impatience hit this year. Because one man has taken measures to achieve the singularity first.

Brian Bilson is that man. This past week, Bilson age 27, underwent an experimental procedure to have two of his mobile devices surgically attached to his hands. “I always have them in my hands anyways. This saves time and effort. Instead of clutching them with all of my strength or keeping them in my pocket, I just made the switch to surgical implants. And let’s face it, only douches put them in their holster. Haha am I right folks?” He then proceeded to try and high-five us. But in doing so we broke his iPhone.

We hunted down his doctor to find out why he would take part in such a ridiculous operation. His name is Alfred Levine and this is what he had to say: “Brian is a visionary. He came to me with an idea that I knew would be groundbreaking for both doctors and non-doctors (Brian leaves room to charge his hands). Ok now that he’s gone I can tell you. He paid me three hundred thousand dollars in a briefcase. How can you say no to money in a briefcase?”

So now Bilson has an iPhone attached to his right hand and a Blackberry attached to his left hand. He also stated that in the future he’d like to get a recording device attached to his ears, an iPad to his stomach, and a flash drive attached to his penis. The last one is pretty much self explanatory.

Unemployed Terrified of the Troops Coming Home.

Talk about opposites detracting

It is major news that all troops are to be pulled out of Iraq by December 31st of this year giving many families a late Christmas present, and an excellent start to 2012. But there’s a not-so-small group that isn’t so happy about the return of the American patriots who have been sacrificing their everything for our nation. The unemployed.

The unemployed are reportedly terrified of these soon to be called Iraq Veterans to come back to their homeland. There are few viable job options and even less full-time employment options. So the thought of thousands more being dumped into the job pool is frightening enough. But that’s not what really scares them. It’s the kind of people entering the workforce again.

“I think I’m a hard worker. But damn those people work their tails off. And they don’t even complain. That’s ALL I do. I used to work in a restaurant and if we weren’t complaining we weren’t awake.” American military personnel are notorious for their work ethic and ability to both lead and follow when needed. And if they can keep cool in a situation where bombs are going off, they can probably handle anything imaginable in the United States.

We attempted to get a hold of the leader of the unemployed. But realized halfway through our search that someone employed as the leader of the unemployed would be ironic. And stupid. But there’s one thing that the unemployed are increasingly sure of: they’re fucked.

Rawful News – Kathleen Sebelius

Someone’s Running for the State Legislature

Beautiful, no?

In a breaking development, it turns out that Someone is running for State Legislature.  He said he’s “excited to help out our community for the better.”  There are many things on his agenda that will change our lives for the better.  He plans on doing that one thing on Elm St. so that cars run smoother over there.  He also plans on allowing schools to have money.  Which is good.  He also wants families to feel, like they are a part of a family.  So that’s great also.  He wants to make a place for businesses to be able to do business.

Such an ambitious plan requires an ambitious candidate. And that’s just what he is. He practiced law for X amount of years before he realized he wanted to serve the public in a better manner. All the while, raising three children, two boys and a girl, with his wife of enough years to seem legitimate. Yes he truly is the average, every-man that could really help our area out. As long as he doesn’t screw anything up, he should be able to serve the community for years to come, because honestly, who pays attention to the State Legislature?

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