Newt Gingrich – Sexiest Man Alive

Finger lickin' good

Oh em gee, after much deliberation, Rawful News has finally chosen their coveted ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ spot.  And this year, the first year, goes to Newt Gingrich.  How could you resist this cutie?  He LITERALLY has the sexiness of two men combined.  Just look at the size of him.  There are obviously two men inside that hunk of human.  Both of which are definitely sexy.  He definitely puts the ‘man’ in ‘human.’

His conquests with women should be legend, though they are rarely discussed.  He was first married in 1962.  And it wasn’t to just anybody.  It was with his former twenty six year old high school geometry teacher whilst he was nineteen.   Only a true motha fuckin’ p-i-m-p could pull that off.  But that wouldn’t be the end of his sexual conquests.  In 1980, Gingrich left his wife for the woman he was cheating on her with.  She claims he asked to discuss the terms of their divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from chemotherapy.  That takes balls.  Not just two balls.  But two massive balls.  It’s not wonder he gets a lot of women.  His confidence is through the roof.

All seemed to be fine in the world of Mr. Gingrich.  He was sitting pretty in Washington, waiting to become the Speaker of the House when he began another affair with a congressional staffer twenty three years his junior.  He left his second wife and married this one instead.  Mr. Gingrich has 99 problems but a bitch is definitely one of em.

Not only is he rolling in females, he is also rolling in the proverbial dough.  He reportedly was paid 1.6 million dollars in fees as an “historian” from Freddie Mac, the mortgage giant who received billions of bailout dollars after the financial crisis of 2008.  All the while, Gingrich was calling for Obama to give Americans back all of the money he had given to Freddie Mac.  Again, HUGE BALLS.  Women love money.  And he’ll never be without it.

Newt Gingrich is a giant amongst men, in stature and presence.  And that is why this sexy son of a bitch is receiving the title “Sexiest Man Alive.”  Have at him ladies.  There’s plenty to go around.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

One Response to Newt Gingrich – Sexiest Man Alive

  1. Sam says:

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