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Rawful News – John Bryson


John Bryson Secretary of Commerce

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Super Committee Demoted to Side-Kick Committee.


Thuper.

Big news folks.  Just as no one suspected, Congress’ Super Committee failed to meet their November 23rd deadline.  The deadline was set to have the ‘gang’ come to a bipartisan compromise on how to reduce the ever-growing deficit.  Republicans want spending cuts.  Democrats want higher taxes.  Same shit, different day.  The problem is an ever-growing rivalry between the two parties and an inability to compromise.

So the group has effectively been downgraded from a “Super Committee,” to a “Side Kick Committee.” There are many reasons for the downgrade other than just not completing their goal. After all, even Batman could never officially defeat the Joker. Maybe the deficit is Congress’ ‘Joker.’ They have been downgraded because of an incessant immaturity about their methods. Storming out on meetings. Instead of arguing their points with intelligence, both sides lead with a ‘nah uh”yah huh’ type of discussion. And to top things off, no one is better off for it. These are not the motives of a super hero like Batman or Superman. It’s more the work of an impetuous and easily broken side kick like Robin, or whoever else is a side kick.

Superheroes are the people that children are born thinking they’re larger than life, and that’s because they achieve those ‘larger than life’ moments without the ‘larger than life’ attitude. The Super Committee has shown nothing super in their abilities. They commented that luckily the committee made the agreement that this deficit is something that needs to be dealt with today. They also plan on getting six pack abs. Right after they eat a bucket of chicken for lunch.

Congress Declares that Lamps are Animals.


Animal Lamp in action

Congress has been making some pretty outlandish statements lately.  They’re supposed to be the most sensible and rational humans of the nation.  But they are recently the geniuses behind the ruling “corporations are people,” and “pizza is a vegetable.”  Yep, look it up.  Pizza is now a vegetable.  But they have taken it one step too far this time.  They have recently decided that lamps are animals.

Here is the transcript of the speech given in favor of the measure:

“People love lamps.  People love animals.  Both make us happier.  One because of companionship, and one because of light.  Sometimes they annoy us.  Some because they won’t listen to our orders.  Others because they are too bright when we turn them on in the middle of the night.  I’m starting to forget what we are talking about.  Does anyone smell burgers?” said the senior Senator from Utah.

Now here is the transcript of the speech given against the measure:

“…”

That’s because there wasn’t one.  Every single member of Congress voted for the measure.  Speaker Boehner asked reporters after the session “Why not?  It’s not like anything we do really affects the American public.”  Decent point Speaker Boehner.

The 21st Century has been an interesting one thus far.  And Congress has made it that much more interesting by making businesses into people, junk food into healthy food, and now lamps into animals. Oy vey!

Newt Gingrich – Sexiest Man Alive


Finger lickin' good

Oh em gee, after much deliberation, Rawful News has finally chosen their coveted ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ spot.  And this year, the first year, goes to Newt Gingrich.  How could you resist this cutie?  He LITERALLY has the sexiness of two men combined.  Just look at the size of him.  There are obviously two men inside that hunk of human.  Both of which are definitely sexy.  He definitely puts the ‘man’ in ‘human.’

His conquests with women should be legend, though they are rarely discussed.  He was first married in 1962.  And it wasn’t to just anybody.  It was with his former twenty six year old high school geometry teacher whilst he was nineteen.   Only a true motha fuckin’ p-i-m-p could pull that off.  But that wouldn’t be the end of his sexual conquests.  In 1980, Gingrich left his wife for the woman he was cheating on her with.  She claims he asked to discuss the terms of their divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from chemotherapy.  That takes balls.  Not just two balls.  But two massive balls.  It’s not wonder he gets a lot of women.  His confidence is through the roof.

All seemed to be fine in the world of Mr. Gingrich.  He was sitting pretty in Washington, waiting to become the Speaker of the House when he began another affair with a congressional staffer twenty three years his junior.  He left his second wife and married this one instead.  Mr. Gingrich has 99 problems but a bitch is definitely one of em.

Not only is he rolling in females, he is also rolling in the proverbial dough.  He reportedly was paid 1.6 million dollars in fees as an “historian” from Freddie Mac, the mortgage giant who received billions of bailout dollars after the financial crisis of 2008.  All the while, Gingrich was calling for Obama to give Americans back all of the money he had given to Freddie Mac.  Again, HUGE BALLS.  Women love money.  And he’ll never be without it.

Newt Gingrich is a giant amongst men, in stature and presence.  And that is why this sexy son of a bitch is receiving the title “Sexiest Man Alive.”  Have at him ladies.  There’s plenty to go around.

Rawful News Cover – Tom Vilsack


Tom Vilsack - Secretary of Agriculture

The New Bikini Wax Sweeping Congress: The Gaza Strip


McCain has really feminine hips.

Congressmen and women are not necessarily known as the most attractive or physically well-kept individuals.  Sure they’re clean and their hair is typically combed.  But you can’t look at Senator Mitch McConnell and tell me you think his wife enjoys that when he comes home at night.  But recently, a trend has been sweeping Congress like no other before.  It’s called the Gaza Strip bikini wax.

It first became public a few months ago when Anthony Weiner had his Twitter scandal.  In one of the pictures, his pubic hair looked peculiar.  Upon closer inspection, which we worked on for hours, it appeared that his hair was in the shape of the Gaza Strip.  For those of you who do not know about the Gaza Strip, since it hasn’t been in the news in over a year, it is a Palestinian territory that borders Egypt and Israel.  And all of those countries are constantly battling over it despite the fact that no one can spot it on a map.  Not because of our terrible ability to know where to find a map, let alone where anything is on it.  It’s because it is literally too small to be found on most world maps.  You have to zoom in at least 2.5X to see the little blurp.

That’s exactly what the wax is.  You have to get closer than most would normally attempt in order to see the region.  It’s just a tiny bitch of hair to remind whoever is within the vicinity that they can grow the hair, but they’re getting rid of it, for you.  The only question is, who started the trend?

Anthony Weiner states that it’s his idea, but most believe it’s just his attempt to market his new workout program so his input is moot.  Bill Clinton claims it was not him, but who can believe anything that guy says.  Sarah Palin refuses to deny or confirm it was from her, though she has been on the media tour lately discussing the topic.  It’s tough to say who originated the wax, but what we do know, is there’s about to be a shit storm in Congress deciding who gets the title of “Inventor of the Gaza Strip.”

Condoleezza Rice Has a Tail


Testifying that her tail is about "this long"

Condoleezza Rice, our former Secretary of State, has released a tell-all book called No Higher Honor.  This book talks about her life in the Bush Administration.  While there are many interesting anecdotes throughout this book, one sticks out more than the rest.  Literally.

Condoleezza admits to having been born with a tail.  Yes that’s right.  You read it here in the cliffnote version of her book first.  Condoleezza Rice has a tail.  Take a minute.  Let it sink in.  You still with us?  Good.  She was born with a birth defect that doctors refer to as a “fucking tail.”  It measures about three inches in length and one inch around.  It unfortunately has an artery in it and despite the many advances in modern medicine, the attempts to find a cure for tails has not yet begun work.

In her new, recently released book, she discusses her time working for the Bush Administration.  For those that can remember back that far, know that Ms. Rice was a heavy proponent of all Bush administration’s policies.  But she’s saying there was more than meets the eye to those situations.  Apparently she disagreed 100% with every single idea the Bush/Cheney duo had but was unable to speak out about it.  Why you ask?  Great question, but don’t interrupt.  Maybe if you were patient I would have told you anyways.  Sheesh.  Apparently, the well kept secret just happened to be seen by George W. Bush when he was checking out her backside as she bent over to grab some dropped papers.  Her shirt came up and revealed the tiny tail.

“Oh my Texas Jesus!” President Bush exclaimed.  From that moment on, she was at his will.  He blackmailed her (and we’re not saying that because she’s black) into going along with all of his ridiculous ideas, like punishing children for not doing as well in school by cutting their funding, or going into Iraq for weapons that did not exist.  “I knew these plans were ridiculous and would only send our hurt nation spiraling downward uncontrollably.  But what could I do?  Tell everyone about my tail?  They’d make fun of me!” states Ms. Rice.

But now she has come to terms with the fact that she is a freak and will never be accepted by society for both pushing policies that Americans are still attempting to recover from, and from having an extremely disgusting tail on her lower back.  We’d have respected her more for having a tramp stamp than that disgusting thing.  Freak.

Veteran’s Day Reminds Americans that Nothing They Do is Difficult


Arlington National Cemetary

This past Veteran’s Day, most are reminded of the sacrifices that members of the military have given  to provide the many items in our lives that we take for granted: democracy, freedom, oil, cheaper banana prices, etc.  But this past Veteran’s Day most were reminded, on their legally required day off whilst soldiers still sat in the middle of the desert in 115 degree weather, that not one thing they do is difficult.

On any given day, you can hear endless complaints about meaningless topics.  Next time you’re in line for a coffee at Starbucks, really listen in to people’s conversations.  Unless you already do that, in which case you are kind of a nosey dick.  But listen to those conversations.  You will hear people complaining about the dumbest things.  Taxes, no basketball season, having to hit an extra button on the ATM so it’ll be in English, stubbed toes, stupid hoes, lame tv shows.  Those are all common items that give Americans headaches on a daily basis.  But having an ENTIRE DAY to think about the daily problems of an American soldier overseas was almost as tiring as trying to understand Inception.  That’s why I had to watch it twice on Veteran’s Day.

Soldiers deal with extreme heats, the same freeze dried food every day, and constantly live under the threat of others working to kill them just to name a few.  And all with very little thanks from the American public.  Comparing and contrasting the two complaints really makes everything Americans go through pale in comparison to the problems that American soldiers have to endure.  Thank goodness we all had the day off right?  All that guilt is tiring.

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