Baby Depression. It’s a Thing.

Emo Baby.

Depression is a major problem in today’s world.  What went almost completely undiagnosed throughout history has become a household term in our day.  Abraham Lincoln famously was diagnosed with “melancholy” which is now assumed to be depression (Source: Wikipedia).  An estimated 22.1% of Americans ages 18 and older (about 1 in 5 adults) suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2003 U.S. Census residential population estimate, this figure translates to 46.4 million people (Source: Wikipedia. Again).  Well those figures will soon be growing to include an increasingly more depressed demographic: Babies.

Yes Baby Depression.  It’s a thing.  American babies are coming out of the womb crying and almost immediately become depressed.  Their first moments in life are surrounded by paperwork allowing for them to be tracked by the government by an identification number, also known as a Social Security number.  Then the birthing parent(s) are forced to pay tens of thousands of dollars in order to truly enjoy their new child.

As if these first few hours of depressing life were not enough, they are taken to a home that is probably either in the process of foreclosure, or in danger of foreclosure.  The joy of birth is immediately shadowed by the shame of debt.  Then comes the constant talk about the economy and how many jobs are being lost on a daily basis.  “I just had a child and the only thing I’m worried about is whether or not she’ll have a job when she gets older.  Probably not.  They’ll all be occupied by Mexicans or machines.  Or machines made in Mexico.  Or that she’ll be a whore.  But mainly the job thing,” says new father Gary Sharry.

And if things couldn’t seem any more bleak, most adults watch Fox News.  Which means chances are pretty good most babies’ first television program they see will not be Yo Gabba Gabba!  It will be a myriad of conservatives describing the immediate government takeover of Nazism.  The baby probably does not know what Nazism is, but it obviously has a negative connotation behind it, so it must be bad.  Politicians arguing about what they can or cannot do, Republican candidates arguing against each other even though their views are the same, and Congress’ inability to get anything done.  Babies know almost immediately that the future is bleak.

Currently there is no treatment or cure for Baby Depression.  Parents have been trying pats on the back, rocking in a cradle, and swaddling the shit out of their babies.  But nothing seems to calm the mild-severe depression symptoms.  But nothing seems to be working.

Government tracking, debt, foreclosures, immigration, Fox News, Nazism, Congress, and other people being depressed are all giving babies a reason to cry.  So the next time you are at a restaurant and hear a baby crying, do not mutter to everyone at the table about how that baby needs to shut up.  Realize that this baby may be suffering from an incurable disease.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: