Happy 65th birthday President Bill Clinton!

Oh Billy Boy.

Bill Clinton, the former President of the United States of America, had his 65th birthday on August the 19th.  The big six-five is not typically a birthday heralded as a memorable one.  Sure it is divisible by five, which is always important, but it is in the middle of a random point of being “that old guy” and “that pretty damn old guy.”  But that didn’t stop Bill from throwing a shindig that people will not remember either because of the alcohol or because of the Alzheimer’s.  Either way it’ll be blamed on something starting with ‘al.’  Maybe Al-Qaeda.  Whatever.

So the night began as most parties do, at a random friend’s house pre-partying and trying to convince one person to be the designated driver.  Everyone was trying to tell Hillary Rodham to do it because, sources say, she can be quite the ‘heinous bitch’ when she’s drunk.  Maybe it’s because she thinks it is funny to dick tap people as they’re taking shots.  Whatever the reason this went on for a long time while everyone proceeded to drink.  Drunkards.

So they decided to call up Al Gore to drive despite the fact he was not invited to the party.  Being that Al Gore is a nice guy and they told him that carpooling in his Prius would help save the environment.  Well Alice, as Bill calls him, showed up in due time.  Bill and six other women jammed into that Prius.  During this time in the car, 19 sexual advances were made by the former President, 18 of them successful.  Al claimed that Bill promised to pay for the cleaning but has yet to see that promise fulfilled.

So they finally arrive at the club named “Taqqawata” which is pretty difficult to pronounce while sober but impossible when drunk.  So Bill continued to ask every female he saw if they “Taqqa wanna touch lil’ Bill.”  By the end of the night, after many bottles of Hennessey lay in his wake, he progressively found his way to the pick up line “It’s my Executive order to tap that ass.”  Hillary in the mean time was in a back alley peeing and then passing out in said pee.

After the club closed, Bill went in search of a “burrito to end all burritos.”  His followers believed this was some secret hot spot for a burrito that had somehow been kept a secret.  Until finally Bill led them to an alley, turned around abruptly with his fly open and yelled “BURRITO TO END ALL BURRITOS!”  That very moment the police rolled up, shown a light on his exposed genitals and the Clinton party spent the rest of the night running from the police.  And who knew that he was such a good free runner.  Bill claims he has no recollection of the events which we here at Rawful News did not at the time believe because he was winking the whole time.  Turned out he was having a stroke.  Our bad.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

2 Responses to Happy 65th birthday President Bill Clinton!

  1. Awesome post! Thank you for sharing! Will follow!

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