Make Yourself Over Like a Politician: Male Republican

Touch of Gray for days.

Because of the impending primaries coming up, it is going to be very important for one of the countless candidates to heed our advice and follow these makeover steps as closely as possible.  Otherwise their hopes of defeating the political giant that is Barack Obama will be dashed forever.  We here at Rawful News, guarantee that if you follow our instructions, you will move to the forefront in the race for the White House.

Step 1: Possibly the most difficult step.  There are experimental surgeries that can create this effect, but generally you have to be born with this characteristic.  Make sure that your head is shaped like a square.  This is not the first thing Americans look to, but it is subconsciously noticed immediately.  The square head signifies exactly the type of personality you will see out of this politician.  Square.

Step 2: Hair is extremely important in any Republican race.  You will need a little bit of grey (is it grey or gray?) in the sideburns.  This is key to any Male Republican’s success.  If you are unlucky enough to not have gray (seriously which one is it?) showing through in your hair, grab yourself some Just for Men: Touch of Gray (that’s how they spell it but I’m still not convinced).  This will show a bit of wisdom that is impossible to relay via speeches or hard-work.  Also, you will need a full head of hair.  If you are bald or balding, you better switch to a Democrat, or be a minority so that Republicans are too afraid of being labeled a racist to call you out on anything.  A full head of hair shows great genes.  And great genes mean you can do everything great.

Step 3: Next step is to get a winning smile.  If you look as if you’ve had a stroke recently, *cough* Ralph Nader *cough*, then you probably should bow out before you begin any political showdown.  Your teeth need to be very white and straight in order to show your very high class.  Also it is important to have white teeth because it shows other Republicans just how important the color white is to you.  The winning smile, plus no reason to really be smiling, is key to any Male Republican’s success.

Step 4: Finally, get yourself a home spray tanner because you will be in that sucker every single day.  Despite having told the American public that you work long, hard days, the only time when the sun is up, you should be tanner than a sorority girl in San Diego.  This will also make your teeth seem whiter than they really, which will be important to give all of your constituents a false sense of brightness.

Follow these four steps, and there is no doubt that you will become the next #republicanfrontrunner.

P.s. Get a lot of money.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

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