Glenn Beck, America’s First Political Commentator with Down Syndrome.

Lil' Glenny Beck

Glenn Beck wakes up at 7 in the morning every single day.  He gets up, slinks out of his room that is across the hall from his parents, slowly walks downstairs, and then has a bowl of his favorite cereal at the moment.  This time around, Froot Loops is the winner.  “Some people need coffee.  I need my bowl of cereal.  It’s my pick-me-up.”  Of course Glenn has never done anything in the usual route.  When told to brush his teeth twice a day he brushed them four times.  People told him that mesh ties are not cool, he proved them wrong.  When people said analyzing politics was for smart people, he proved them wrong again.  That is of course because Glenn himself is different than the general population.  Glenn Beck was born with Down Syndrome.  “I like to call it DS.  Because my favorite gaming system is the Nintendo DS.  Can’t get enough,” Glenn tells reporters.

During Glenn’s childhood, his loving and caring mother wished for Glenn to have only the best education.  She knew that if he was coddled, it would do no one any good.  Picture the beginning of Forrest Gump.  Except instead of sleeping with the principal of the desired school, she threatened to beat the principal into submission.  Standing at 6’3” and 200 lbs, some have referred to her as a ‘monster’ of a woman.  Though her size is only matched by the size of her heart.  Incidentally that is the exact size of Glenn’s heart as well.  It is far too big for his chest, which doctor’s said would be fatal after the age of one.  But his oversized heart has only fueled his oversized dreams.  And oversized tongue as well.

In fact, all of the problems he has experienced from birth, Glenn has used to his advantage.  His oversized tongue has been used for oversized statements such as “Obama is like Hitler,” or “National healthcare will kill you.”  His terrible eyesight has been used so that he can not read the historical texts he quotes so regularly in a correct manner.  His terrible hearing has been used to ignore all reason or viewpoints from the opposition.

“I’ve never been one to believe people, whether they say I cannot achieve greatness, or that Obama does not have death-panels.”  Glenn Beck has been a brave little guy his entire life, refusing to be picked last in dodgeball, or when everyone signed a petition saying they don’t like him, he still made them listen to his speeches in class.  Perhaps that is where his need to be heard stems from, despite nobody liking him still.  Whatever the reason, his future seems bright.

Glenn’s mother believes there is no limit to what he can achieve.  “He can go anywhere and do anything just as good as everyone else in the United States, if not better.  He has that drive that most Americans are lacking nowadays.”  All we have to say here at Rawful News is, God Bless your oversized heart Glenn Beck.  Keep up the good work.  “I just want people from the United States to know that you don’t have to be smart to be successful,” Glenn says.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

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