First Man Ever Claims He ‘Chooses to be Gay.’

This guy is gay. Or at least he chooses to be.

There has been a debate between the homosexual community and those opposed to the homosexual lifestyle.  Those opposed feel that homosexuality is a choice and therefore should not be viewed the same as heterosexuality, the ‘true’ sexuality of humans.  But one would be hard-pressed to find a homosexual with the same ideas about their sexuality.  Until now.

Recently in Columbus, Ohio, famously known as a swing state, Eric Roker ‘came out’ as a gay man.  Despite not being the only homosexual in Ohio, he has become quite the celebrity.  This is because Eric claims that he was not always gay.  “I was straight up until about three months ago.  I was just born that way.  I really didn’t see much point in it anymore.  Yeah there’s the whole, having babies and being able to marry in every state, but who wants that stuff nowadays?  Not I.  Besides, I haven’t been laid in years.”

Eric has reportedly tried just about everything.  He has gone on Eharmony,,, read “How to Be A Gentleman,” and used every Axe product in the book.  None of these methods have worked for him.  So like many Americans not feeling any progress, he decided to look for a change.  “I have a few gay friends and they seem to find partners very easily despite the fact that straights outnumber gays by a lot.  Well I don’t know REALLY know them that well.  We went to high school together.  We’re friends on Facebook.  Their pictures always seem so fun.”

So Eric took the practical steps and decided to become gay.  He went out and bought some designer clothes, waxed his eyebrows, lube, and is in the midst of getting six pack abs along with those lines that go diagonally down the side.  Not sure what they’re called.  But Eric is now on the prowl for other gay men.  “I’m not really sure what gay sex is going to feel like.  Probably pretty similar to straight sex.  Except with more balls.”

Here at Rawful News, all we can say is that YOU Eric, are the one with the balls.  Some unintended consequences have come about from Eric’s coming out.  He has been heralded by Republicans and conservatives alike as definitive proof that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, and not an innate quality.  Republicans from Mitt Romney to Rick Perry to Rick Santorum have all heralded this as a great day for anti-gay marriage activists.  “I told you so” has been the most popular sentiment uttered by these Republicans.

Homosexuals are none too happy about this event though.  Recently, Eric has been jumped by several men dressed in pastel hoodies with their sleeves cut off.  They slapped him and slapped him until they couldn’t slap him anymore.  They then trotted away with a brisk exuberance for life.  “It’s tough being the most hated of the gays.  We gays are pretty disliked among many Americans.  For the few that are supportive of homosexuals to hate me as well, it’s just like, ugh.”  Well put Eric.  Will more of these formerly straight homosexuals come out of the closet?  Only time will tell.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

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