John Boehner a Premature Ejaculator? Yep.

"Sigh" of Relief

Pretty recently, John Boehner turned heads when he made the “sigh heard round the world.”  This, pictured to the right, ‘came’ after the debt ceiling debates when he walked into an elevator and sighed the night away.  Most thought it was a fake attempt to show incredible release of stress after an incredibly stressful experience.  What people did not know, was that it was not because of the debt ceiling debates.  It was for a promise of sex from his wife Deborah.

Yes you heard it here folks.  The only reason our debt ceiling debates were solved was because of a promise of sex for our ‘beloved’ Speaker of the House John Boehner.  Americans suspected Boehner’s premature-ness for some time now.  The first was in 2006, when an interviewer asked Boehner if he believed Barack Obama’s run for the presidency was a bit ‘premature.’  Boehner replied with “You think THAT’S premature… I mean yes it definitely is.”   That comment raised eyebrows but was soon forgotten because of the crazy political climate at the time.

Then there were a few times during congressional sessions when Boehner would stand up and call to order all of Congress, and there were noticeable white stains on the front of his pants.  They rarely serve clam chowder in the Congressional dining hall, way less than the amount of times he said it was clam chowder anyhow.

But it became more than just gossip when Boehner’s wife Deborah said to the media that she was “sick and tired of his damn debt ceiling debate.  It needs to end immediately.”  She also stated that “[she] will jump his bones so hard, they’ll be ground to dust.  But only if these debates end.”  Within three days, a deal was reached.  Which leads us to the picture at hand.

On his way out of finalizing the debt ceiling plan, he told reporters his first course of action was to “slay” his wife.  But apparently the thought of doing so was too much to bear.  He could barely make it to the elevator before he let out a premature “sigh” of relief.  That relief created the most awkward elevator ride in the history of Congress.  And instead of going home, Boehner stayed in his office and cried himself to sleep.  That last part is not really a rare occurrence but it’s more frequently because someone talked about “the kids.”  Nothing specific, just a broad generalization of “the kids.”



Happy 64th Birthday Hillary Clinton!

She did not have sex.

No wonder she looks like this.

Man Stuck in Bar After He Cannot Pay the 2-Drink Minimum

Mm drink em up num nums.

Frank Haverford, a twenty-three year old recent college graduate, has been stuck in a local bar for the past three days.  He first entered the bar this past Saturday night with a group of friends in the promise of seeing some stand-up comedy.  Frank promised to be the designated driver as he has been trying to save money for graduate school and alcohol can be quite expensive at bars.

So planning on not drinking too much, he brought his I.D. and a little more money than it took to get into the show.  But as most people who have been to a comedy club before, they know there is almost always a two drink minimum.  It’s how they make their money.  Frank was unaware of this fact, and his dick friends did not feel it pertinent to let him know this.  So he shows up to have a few laughs and even more awkward silences, enjoys one Bud Light, but only because they didn’t sell Coors at the bar, and thinks that is the end of his night.  When he and his friends began to leave the bar, he was grabbed by one of the bouncers proclaiming he had not bought his second drink.

Frank replied with “What second drink?”  He was then promptly informed of the bar’s request of all their patrons to buy two drinks upon entry when the bouncer said “You buy the second drink or I’ll fucking end you.”  Scary.  And not because Halloween is coming up.  It’s because the bouncer wass a 6ft 5in African-American man who happens to be incredibly angry at his failed college football career after he blew out his knee sophomore year.  That is a man you do not want to mess with.  And that is a man you cannot get around.

But unfortunately for Frank, he did not have any money to spend on a second drink.  Even more unfortunate is that his friends decided they were sick of him ‘mooching’ off of them so they left, broke into his car, hotwired it, and left.  So Frank has been stuck inside that very same bar for the past three days.  He does not know where his friends are, where his car is, if they even made it home alive.  He has been living off of bar peanuts and tap water.  But really the only security the bar has against people skipping out on the two drink minimum, is just to hold them hostage until they buy both of those gosh darn drinks.  And that is exactly what is happening.  Good luck Frank Haverford.  Maybe try their open mic nights for a few years and then maybe you can make enough money to pay for that next drink.

Rawful News – Leon Panetta

Leon Panetta - Secretary of Defense

MSNBC Reveals New Slogan: Bend Over.

And take it.

MSNBC, a well known news source, has changed their slogan once again.  A slogan is important.  It tells people what to expect when changing to your station.  It’s also ambiguous enough to bring in new people with the intrigue of “Oooo what does that mean?”  Most products will have several if they are lucky enough to be around that long.  Well MSNBC has reached their third slogan.

“Bend Over” is their newest and greatest slogan to date.  Originally, their tag line was “The Place for Politics.”  Because that slogan is ridiculously stupid and boring they later decided to switch to the slogan “Lean Forward.”  This one is a little cleverer.  Since most news stations ‘lean’ a certain way nowadays, as MSNBC does, they were not hiding from that fact.  They were embracing it.  And they were also saying that they don’t lean towards a particular party, they were leaning towards progress.  Leaning forward.  But unfortunately that slogan did not help their ratings in the least.  So they have started a new slogan campaign that is much more fitting towards the message they are trying to get across: “Bend Over.”  It was only a matter of time.

The further someone leans forward, the more likely they are to be bending over.  Math Scientist Piu Xiao has said “There is no concrete angle that signifies the shift from leaning to bending.  I am currently working on a thesis that states the exact angle is 50 degrees.  That is the point where someone has been leaning forward too much and has begun to bend over.”  Interesting point Mr. Unpronounceable Name.

Also, they have practically been ‘taking it’ from Fox News for the past few years in the ratings.  Fox News is essentially the conservative counterpoint to MSNBC’s liberalism.  But viewership of Fox News outnumbers MSNBC’s by about 3-to-1.  The slogan “Bend Over” is way more indicative to what people would be viewing if they were to tune into MSNBC.  But they don’t.  So they won’t.

Dennis Kucinich Reportedly Being Bullied By All of Congress.

Pobrecito. (Spanish)

Congress is known for many things, not getting work done, taxes, suits, sex scandals.  Nothing really good.  Except for suits.  But now they are known for another thing: bullying.  Dennis Kucinich recently told reporters that he has been picked on relentlessly by Democrats and Republicans alike.  Noogies and wedgies are not an uncommon day for him during their Congressional sessions.

Dennis Kucinich, representative for Ohio’s 10th District, does not quite look as ‘manly’ and prototypically American as some others like Mitt Romney or Rick Perry.  Kucinich stands but 5 ft 6 in tall.  Does not have broad shoulders, his ears are practically prophesized by the Mayans, and at times he somewhat resembles a gremlin.  It is very clear that even if he were to walk into a high school as he stands today, he would still be picked on despite the fact that he is in his sixty’s and a congressman.

For most, bullying ends after high school, or at the latest after college, for those incredibly nerdy kids.  But for Congressman Kucinich, the bullying has gone on for the better part of his life.  “I know bullying is terrible.  Hell I’ve written legislation on the topic,” said New Jersey Democrat Rush Holt, “but it’s just too easy with him.”

Dennis Kucinich has bee telling reporters that he constantly expects wedgies around 10am from John Boehner.  At lunch time Harry Reid takes his lunch money, which could explain his small stature.  He’s been deprived of the rich nutrients milk brings to a young politician.  Swirlies are given every single time he goes to the bathroom by whoever may be in there at the moment.  All it takes is one person to subdue him face-first into the golden toilets Congress had installed last spring (more on the toilet habits of Congress later).  About this time, Kucinich calls his mommy and asks if he can go home early.  She reminds him that he is a “grown fucking man” and needs to stick it out.

Despite that fact, he still has stuck it out and been representing Ohio’s 10th district since 1997.  He probably should have given it up by now because his medical bills are mounting from the endless rips in his nether regions along with the constant facial reconstructive surgeries.  “Just because I’m bullied doesn’t mean I should give up.  I’ll never give up.  I’ll never surrender.  Galaxy Quest.  Good movie.”

Muammar Gaddafi: A Fashion Icon.

Ugh, so fashionable.

It is big news that the long-time Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has been killed this past week while he was attempting to flee the area.  He ruled his country with an iron fist and torpedoed out of office in fantastic fashion.  But there was another even more fantastic area of his life that wasn’t as talked about but equally affected millions of lives for better and for always.  Gaddafi was a fashion icon.  Lady Gaga hasn’t worn anything as extravagant as his typical outfit.

Shoulders that were practically raised above his own head, hats that would make any military general’s mouth salivate, and layers upon layers of flare in the shape of medals were all common characteristics of his wardrobe.  Even his sunglasses were the envy of millions of sorority girls at state universities.  Some even rumor that the song “Sunglasses at Night” was written about and for him.  Those close to him have said that he was traveling from Libya to Dubai in order to launch his new line of clothing.  It was going to specialize in sunglasses meant for trendy old people, crazy military medals only to be bought in bulk, and the most comfortable brown cloth drape you could ever lay your grubby little hands on.

Gaddafi was also minutes away from bringing the perm back.  His lavish lifestyle continued onto his hair as he would get a new perm once a week.  Obviously ridiculous but that’s the kind of fashion that drove him.  Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, none of these fashion icons have had the same impact on our everyday lives as Muammar Gaddafi.  Qaddafi.  Ghaddafi.  Khaddafi.  Whatever dick.

Such a fab garb.

Apple to Begin Selling the Zune.

Apple's Zune

As some of you may have heard, one of Apple’s creators, Steve Jobs, passed away from his long battle with pancreatic cancer.  Jobs was known as an innovator and American icon.  Even though he had stepped down from Apple months ago, as he had done periodically to recover his health, Jobs’ presence was always felt, and his advice was always listened to.  He cultivated a company that didn’t just make computers; it packaged the newest technologies in an easy to use, sleek bundle.  With his passing, many have wondered, what does the future hold for Apple?

They have assured the public that they will continue to be technological and cultural leaders in an increasingly globalized world.  Which brings us to Apple’s first undertaking in the post-Jobs era.  Apple has bought out rights to the Zune from Microsoft.  For those of us who don’t remember this epic fail in technology, the Zune is similar to an iPod, only very terrible.  There were a ton of problems with programming, ease, putting music on and off, and even the name feels esoteric.

“It feels like an unfinished product.  Apple could be just the company to complete it,” says Apple’s current CEO, a guy not important enough to remember his name.  Beginning January 1, 2012, Apple will begin phasing out the familiar iPod for the ridiculously terrible Zune in order to “prove something” to the world.  “I want to show the world that we are the best company out there and that we can market anything and people will buy it.  That’s probably what Steve Jobs would have wanted.  Probably.  Well, maybe.  I think.  Shit.”

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