John Edwards to push for universal hair coverage.

John Edwards, the two-time presidential hopeful, has figured out his next political move.  While most of the country is arguing about the validity of a Universal Healthcare system, John Edwards has decided to push for another socialist system.  This time with something a little dearer to his heart, and his head.  Universal Hair Coverage has been proposed by John Edwards, despite the fact that he no longer holds elected office.

Mr. Edwards has been pushing for the creation of Universal Hair Coverage for some months now as a lobbyist.  “His hair at first, second, and eighty-fifth glances is nicer than 99% of men in the entire world,” says Hair Scientist Roger Smith.  “Most men and even most women would kill for that perfectly sculpted head of hair.  He makes Justin Bieber look like he’s balding for crying out loud.”

The general public always knew of his luscious locks, but they really became famous when he pulled money from his 2008 election fund, four hundred dollars to be exact, for a haircut.  He eventually paid the money back but only because he would have been sent to jail or disqualified from running for president or something like that had he not.  More likely than not he would have simply received a slap on the wrist.  But nonetheless haircuts are important to the man.  Not only important, but an inalienable right preordained by God.  That is how important John Edwards’s views the haircut is.

Edwards has listed a myriad of reasons as to why Universal Healthcare is important.  Health being one of the reasons.  Millions of Americans acquire head lice every single year.  Without that head lice as a problem it would save billions of dollars in healthcare costs which could be used to buy things which would boost the economy.  But that’s not even John’s main motive.  “People with excellent heads of hair automatically do better in life, similar to women and breasts.  Women with large, perky breasts are immediately taken more seriously and listened to more closely.  That’s how men with a great head of hair feel.”  Will Edwards’ next move be calling for Universal Breast Enhancement Coverage?  Only time will tell.

Look at that hair. Beautiful.


About Rawful News
I write satire and gossip. Check it out at Or Tweet me @Kendoggydog28

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