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Tony Blair vs. Hugh Grant: Who was the better fake Prime Minister?


Who was better? Only time will tell.

Here at Rawful News, we felt it was important to compare and contrast who was the better fake Prime Minister, Hugh Grant or Tony Blair?  A difficult question, yes.  Novels could be written on the topic and still not have a definitive answer.  But with our journalistic integrity, we feel that we are adequately equipped to explore this topic.

First we will go through Tony Blair’s fake Prime Minister qualifications.  Most notably, after the September 11th attacks on the United States, Blair was of great support and a wonderful ally to have for the United States.  In fact, he was one of our only allies when the United States decided war was the proper option in regards to Iraq and Saddam Hussein.  But the method of doing so is what comes into question.  Tony Blair stated, before the British Parliament, that a nuclear attack from Saddam Hussein was imminent and if the British did not join with the United States all hell would break loose.  Of course, this was a blatant lie and the British joined into a war that did not have that threat of force.  If they had more time to think about it, maybe they would not have joined the war and maybe the United States may have taken a different course of action. This is one reason why Hugh Grant could be considered the best fake Prime Minister.

Now to Hugh Grant. Hugh played the British Prime Minister in the romantic comedy Love Actually.  That movie tugged at the heart strings of both British and Americans alike.  Hugh’s character was one of the focal points of the film.  In it, he falls in love with a staff member that has a “sizeable ass” to her.  But apart from his love life, Hugh completed some very important statutes for the British.  When he was meeting with the President of the United States (played by Billy Bob Thornton) he left the room for a moment.  When he came back, the married President was caught kissing Hugh’s love interest.  Shortly after the stalemate that followed, a press conference was held.  Hugh stood up for his nation and saying that their relationship had become a bad one.  The United States had only been taking and not giving back at all.  This was a proud moment for their nation and they rejoiced.  Our question remains, who is the best fake Prime Minister?

Here at Rawful News, we believe Tony Blair is the better fake Prime Minister mainly because, how dare Hugh Grant talk shit to the United States.  The audacity.  The gumption.  The piece of shit he is.  Fuck that guy.

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Sony Ceo to fight every nerd until the hackings stop.


Anger.

Firewalls be damned.  Sony has decided to put up a new line of defense against these incessant hackers.  But it is not the traditional method of fighting fire.  Instead of fighting fire with fire, it’s more like fighting fire with your fists.  Firewalls were not enough to halt the hackers.  Threats were not enough to halt the hackers.  Howard Stringer, Sony’s CEO, is hoping that he can cause these hackers to submit with brute force, something most gamers and hackers probably know nothing about.

For the past few months, Sony Playstation databases have been repeatedly hacked and had countless pieces of sensitive information stolen.  Since the first hacks, Stringer began taking mixed martial arts classes, otherwise known as MMA.  “I realized I needed more exercise after I looked at myself in the mirror naked and realized that my butt was in the shape of a desk chair.  That coupled with the hackings, it only made sense,” Stringer stated.

Stringer’s plan has already been put into effect as he has reportedly already kicked the asses of nineteen different nerds he has just seen on the streets.  “It’s been hard at first, because it’s become more difficult to tell who is a nerd and who is just dressing in nerd-chique clothing.  Black people for instance are very into nerd-chique but obviously I will never win in a fight against them.”  Very racist, but very true.  “Also, I’ve had to refrain from fighting everyone at work because, let’s face it, we are all nerdXcore.”

Even if Stringer fights every single nerd in the United States, we may never know exactly who hacked their systems.  But at least those nerds will have got what was coming to them: a noogie sandwich and a hertz donut.

John Edwards to push for universal hair coverage.


John Edwards, the two-time presidential hopeful, has figured out his next political move.  While most of the country is arguing about the validity of a Universal Healthcare system, John Edwards has decided to push for another socialist system.  This time with something a little dearer to his heart, and his head.  Universal Hair Coverage has been proposed by John Edwards, despite the fact that he no longer holds elected office.

Mr. Edwards has been pushing for the creation of Universal Hair Coverage for some months now as a lobbyist.  “His hair at first, second, and eighty-fifth glances is nicer than 99% of men in the entire world,” says Hair Scientist Roger Smith.  “Most men and even most women would kill for that perfectly sculpted head of hair.  He makes Justin Bieber look like he’s balding for crying out loud.”

The general public always knew of his luscious locks, but they really became famous when he pulled money from his 2008 election fund, four hundred dollars to be exact, for a haircut.  He eventually paid the money back but only because he would have been sent to jail or disqualified from running for president or something like that had he not.  More likely than not he would have simply received a slap on the wrist.  But nonetheless haircuts are important to the man.  Not only important, but an inalienable right preordained by God.  That is how important John Edwards’s views the haircut is.

Edwards has listed a myriad of reasons as to why Universal Healthcare is important.  Health being one of the reasons.  Millions of Americans acquire head lice every single year.  Without that head lice as a problem it would save billions of dollars in healthcare costs which could be used to buy things which would boost the economy.  But that’s not even John’s main motive.  “People with excellent heads of hair automatically do better in life, similar to women and breasts.  Women with large, perky breasts are immediately taken more seriously and listened to more closely.  That’s how men with a great head of hair feel.”  Will Edwards’ next move be calling for Universal Breast Enhancement Coverage?  Only time will tell.

Look at that hair. Beautiful.

Donald Trump will not believe President Obama has teeth until he sees the dental records.


Show us the records.

Donald Trump is at it again.  As if his antics weren’t enough months ago when he mandated President Barack Obama show the world his birth certificate because he did not believe the President was born in the United States and therefore could not legally hold his current office.  Obama presented the public with his birth certificate and laid the Birther Movement to rest.  But now Mr. Trump has another bone to pick.  Somewhere between twenty-eight and thirty-two bones to be semi-exact.  Donald Trump has now moved onto the next bit of Obama’s life that he questions to exist.  His teeth.

Donald Trump was recently noted in a press conference that “[He] will not believe that ‘President’ Obama has teeth until [Obama] reveals his dental records.”  Good point Mr. Trump.  How can anyone be sure that he has teeth and is able to properly chew his food without seeing his proper dental records and x-rays?  No one knows.  Similar to the Birther Movement, a so called Teething Movement has come out of the woodworks to call on Obama to reveal his dental records.  And the members of this movement are moving quickly and strongly.  They have already petitioned the government to halt all operations until his dental records are revealed.  Over two hundred thousand signatures have been sent to the White House with another hundred thousand in the works stating that this is “of the utmost importance.”

“Our so-called President Barack Obama has been dishonest with the American public every step of the way.  This is just another example of his dishonesty.  Transparency in government has been an endangered species and is something this administration more than any other has to work on.”  Clarity of teeth as well as clarity of words is necessary and we here at Rawful News agree 100% that Donald Trump is in the right.

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